OK, Cupid – Shoot That Arrow!
I just spent two hours browing through the free dating site OKCupid.com. Was it a waste of time? I don’t know just yet. The OKCupid jury is still out for me.
Based on past experiences with other sites, my online dating expectations are very low. I internet dated a ton after my divorce, so much so I became a bit of an online dating expert. I haven’t dated online in recent years (unless you count Craigslist craziness like the tattooed hooker or the rebound sex coffee date), because I had better luck in real life.
99% of the women I’ve entered into relationships with post-divorce I met through friends (mostly at parties, and not at the Palo Alto winebar where lonely housewives and hungry gold-digging singles hang out).
And yet…
Online dating does serve a purpose. Sites like OKCupid are tools to help you meet relationship-minded people. Of course, chemistry can’t be articulated in checkboxes and paragraphs of online prose. It’s felt by the whole body in person… But I digress.
I’d heard good things about OKCupid from Dad’s House readers, and so I figured I might as well try it out. I have to say – I totally got sucked in.
- I browsed OKCupid profiles – pretty standard stuff. Input your basic search criteria, like age, location, ethnicity, and slog through the search results. This was funny – there were women on OKCupid displaying the exact same photo they used on match.com 5 years ago! (Doh!) And there were plenty of attractive women whose OKCupid profile said not to contact them if I was over 40 (check!), or had kids (double check!). I think I found one potential match in a 25 mile radius. Oy.
- I took an OKCupid test – OKCupid has personality tests, which seem pretty cool. Sort of like Chemistry.com, but they don’t have Dr. Helen or Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil lording over the results. In fact, OKCupid users can create tests for other users to take. Pretty cool! I took a really long test about which Indie rock band I’d like most. And the result… Radiohead. Heck, I knew that before wasting 10 minutes on the OKCupid test. Why didn’t they just ask me?
- I started to answer questions – on OKCupid, anyone can list multiple-choice questions that are important to them. I think if you answer 25 questions, you get a badge or special access to an OKCupid VIP lounge or something. I didn’t get that far. In fact, I gave up after the first few questions I read. They went something like this:
On the night before your wedding, if you found out your fiancee was fertile, would you still get married? (Um… I already have two kids! I’m not interested in potential fertility. Clearly, I’m not a match.)
Would you ever stop dating someone based on a rumor you heard about them? (I’m sorry, did I somehow stumble into the junior high section of OKCupid?)
Most OKCupid users list a dozen or two questions. When I stumbled upon a woman who asked 572 questions, I figured she was an OkCupid lifer who I should stay away from, at all costs!
After two hours on OKCupid, my profile was only 40% complete. I had only one potential match. And I felt myself sliding back into an online dating quagmire of desperation and futility.
Clearly, I need to expand my search radius from 25 to 50 miles, and try again.
Jackie Martinez photo by mark sebastian, some rights reserved.
- Romantic Compatibility – On Paper
- Online Dating Success – Expand Your Search to 120 Miles!
- Online Dating Sucks
- Hot, Sexy, Single – Law of Attraction
- Your Friend is Cuter (Online Dating Photo Choices)
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Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| January 22nd, 2010
Glad you checked it out, even if you didn’t quite get sparkling results. The biggest frustration with that site for me was that it would suggest people who seemed very interesting and hot that I would love to meet, but then I’d find out they were in Chicago (2 hours away) or in Detroit (way far away). I found that I had to pay attention to that before chatting them up!
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..I Enjoy Scholarly Pursuits
Comment by Elizabeth
| January 22nd, 2010
Was that last line tongue-in-cheek? It’s your dry wit, David.
Elizabeth´s last blog ..You say souffle, I say TJ….
Comment by Mindy@SingleMomSays
| January 22nd, 2010
Ugh. Being that I am single again I suppose I’m going to have to find a way to “put myself out there” (I hate the way that sounds) but I cant bear the thought of online dating again. I think maybe I’ll just hang out at sporting goods stores or something.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..How to Apologize & Mean It
Comment by Cece
| January 22nd, 2010
Morning David! We did a shout out to you in our blog this am!
Cece
Cece´s last blog ..Time to Celebrate! The Two Whos Blog is One Month Old!
Comment by Travis
| January 22nd, 2010
Dang dating life! you so scary.
Travis´s last blog ..The Way You Move Ain’t Fair You Know
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| January 22nd, 2010
Is it the approaching candyland of Saint Valentine sending you back to the online dating doldrums? No bookstores to hang out in? (My luck at B&N hasn’t been so hot, but I think men would do better there.) OK, Cupid! Do your stuff for DM! (Join your son at a fitness club, linger after the 40ish hot woman’s workout, and flash your finest smile?)
Yeah. Man Cave. I need one, too.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Man Cave instead of Dog House?
Comment by oshea12566
| January 22nd, 2010
Two hours and 40% done? That is more like a project than trying to find a single lady. I am willing to bet the one woman with 572 questions will never understand men. No man will sit there and answer all 572 questions. Is she kidding? I’ll take “woman that will die single with cats” for a 1,000 please, Alex.
oshea12566´s last blog ..DANCE!!
Comment by Nicki
| January 22nd, 2010
I totally feel your pain. I’m in the market for a distraction to get through the next few months and I think I will be advertising for such. Too many memories I want to get over. Don’t want to backslide. Thanks for reminding me why I stay away from those sights. Try not to think of it as two hours of your life you’ll never get back but as a learning experience. ;)
Nicki´s last blog ..Friendship feeds my soul…
Comment by Just Me...
| January 22nd, 2010
Oh, I think I’m gonna just stick with the adage, “it’ll happen when it happens” and avoid the online dating milieu.. Seems to be fraught with peril.. I do not need more drama/complications/peril in my life.. :D
Just Me…´s last blog ..Economic Downturn and Terminations..
Comment by Big City Dad
| January 22nd, 2010
Ok Cupid definately overdoes the questions. I answered a lot of them a ways back and my matches and I clearly didn’t have a lot in common. The only way I know how to internet date: look at the pic and if you like what you see, read the profile. If she seems relatively sane and nice, send an email. Then wait for the non-response. Oh well. Good luck pal.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..Are You SuperBad?
Comment by cbg2
| January 22nd, 2010
You need to ask that Flikr photographer how he finds his models? He has some beautiful Latina women photos on his page.
Comment by Mark
| January 22nd, 2010
Oh the trials and tribulations of on line dating. It is an interesting method. Thanks for sharing.
Mark´s last blog ..Get Your Genius On!
Comment by staciesmadness
| January 22nd, 2010
I’m sitting here shaking my head….
good luck buddy!
staciesmadness´s last blog ..Ya gotta a big heart kid, but not my good towels…mmmk?
Comment by ditz
| January 22nd, 2010
I just joined that site too, and I am not thrilled with the matches. The closest distance search is limited to 25 miles, which gives me Oakland and Berkeley, and my experience with guys from those cities hasn’t been good. Or, they are 5′6″ and under. I hope you have better luck!
Comment by TentCamper
| January 22nd, 2010
I have never tried online dating…but then again…I have not been single since the internet has been around.
I do love hearing the funny and odd stories that come out of some of the online dating sites though…
Good luck to ya!!!
TentCamper´s last blog ..Explaining Bad Things
Comment by saint nobody
| January 22nd, 2010
this may be a regional thing, but in my experience okcupid is mostly for people who want hookups or just to play around. i did make one good friend there, with whom i am still close, but in terms of dating it was not what i was looking for! (in fact, my one and only one night stand–which of course seemed to have potential for more–was a result of an okcupid foray–and it was certainly not intentional, on my part at least). I do look forward to hearing about your experience, david!
saint nobody´s last blog ..reading with the peeps
Comment by MommaSunshine
| January 22nd, 2010
Your success on OKcupid will likely have a lot to do with your area. I found that in my area, there simply weren’t a lot of people using the site. I did find one person on there that I formed a brief! but decent friendship. Even though it didn’t go beyond that, it was good for what I needed at the time.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Weak Knees
Comment by T
| January 22nd, 2010
Eek!
Yeah, I rarely take Facebook tests for the same reasons. They just wear me out!
There has to be a better way, right?
T´s last blog ..A Practice in Growth
Comment by dadshouse
| January 22nd, 2010
Elizabeth – you get my wit! Congrats. Or thank you. Whichever you prefer.
BLW – I don’t care about Valentine’s day. This is just me getting tired of trolling for dates and intimacy. Book stores have never worked for me. I think it’s where I live – Silicon Valley is a strange place. If you work at Google, you’ll eat there (for free), get your laundry done there, get massages there, play beach volleyball (in sand!) there, swim laps in the water treadmill there (with a lifeguard watching), etc. You’ll NEVER leave the googleplex! And so unless I work there, I won’t meet you. That’s one data point. Extrapolate all you want.
Oshea – you’re funny.
Big City Dad – “then wait for the non response.” Touche! Hahahahahahahaha.
cbg2 – I agree, the flickr photographer has great latina models. And I should be his wardrobe assistant. Ole!
ditz – the Bay Area needs to fold itself in half. Right now the men are in Silicon Valley, and the women are not. Someone fix that problem!
Comment by Kelloggsville
| January 22nd, 2010
gee wizz – does 572 questions give her the Highest ‘High Maintenance’ award?!
Can I suggest you take up a hobby and go meet normal people? (that would be where you don’t realise they have 572 questions until it’s too late!) ps this advice comes from someone who met their hubby in an internet chat room!!!!!!!!!! Feel free to ignore it completely ;0)
Kelloggsville´s last blog ..Educational Bribery
Comment by ditz
| January 22nd, 2010
Found your profile! No picture, but I recognized your writing style. You do need a picture!
Comment by dadshouse
| January 22nd, 2010
Ditz – hahahahaha! So, should I do a blog post about my profile contents so you all can kabitz? The Dad’s House blog reader posse can help me find the OKCupid woman of my dreams! (Though, I think she’s wearing pink and firing arrows right now…)
Comment by Sandra
| January 22nd, 2010
Honestly, I think you are better off meeting people in real life at social events through friends. It sounds like you’ve had better luck that way. Or you can keep posting your online experiences, because I love reading them.
And in my experience most men that say they are looking for a relationship really just want to get laid. It baffles me, but you may be one of the few relationship minded people out there on the intertubes.
I think your single readers in the SF Bay should get together for a drink on Vday.
Sandra´s last blog ..Everyone has a twin
Comment by Lori W.
| January 22nd, 2010
It’s funny you mentioned OKCupid. A coworker of ours is leaving and going to your area and joined OKCupid to meet some men to go do things with (for now as a start). We all discussed the male/female ratio and then I mentioned your website. I joking said I should write and see if you’d like to meet her….I will say that she is not a slim, Latina though.
Comment by America
| January 22nd, 2010
I have to provide the counterbalance the opinions of people here complaining about OKC and the structure…
A) The 572 question woman is not forcing YOU to answer 572 questions to date her. She answered that many questions, and however many questions you answered the intersection will be used to calculate the match %
B) Yes, some of the questions are stupid. Mark them irrelevant.
C) The match % can be used as quite a useful filter, (along with other factors of course – nothing substitutes for talking to someone face to face). After I answered quite a few questions my match results included my ex (hey we may have had stormy trouble, but there WAS something there – better than the majority of my blind dates) and a very good friend, whom I ADORE but just don’t have the chemistry with. When I read the profiles of people with whom I have poor match scores (generally because they looked at my profile), there is usually absolutely NO chance that I am ever going to contact them. So the match score is not the be-all and end all of matching, but it is a very useful metric.
And as for being a lifer, yes, I admit, I left match and joined OKC several years ago. I have left in long stretches when I have been involved with someone, and come back when single. Since I have a decent investment of time in the number of questions answered, I don’t create a new profile like I might on some other site. So it does seem to have more people who have been members longer.
Also, in my experience, because you are not paying a monthly fee it seems to be more populated by people who DO have lives and hobbies in the real world, and just internet date rather idly, ie if someone great appears they might arrange to set up a meeting, but they are not desperately looking for someone. So I have found the people to be a little more balanced.
I have met a few people off the site in real life and haven’t found anyone that has been long term, but I have also never had any really scary dates, just nice guys that I have no chemistry with…
Just one woman’s opinion.
BTW – I am Tango_Diva if you want to see someone who has answered 800 questions, and is a real person with lots of interests in the real world, but just isn’t meeting people. Unfortunately Highly Geographically Undesirable for you, but just for research!
America´s last blog ..Shoe Review- 2009 The Year of Switching Back to Open Toes
Comment by America
| January 22nd, 2010
Oh, and I can see now that OKC lets you see some of the questions that they answered that it would look like they were asking you to answer them… they have changed the site a bit, BUT all the questions come from the same pool of questions so if you answer the question for one person, you are answering it for everyone that showed that same question.
OKC is actually interesting in a sociological sense in that sometimes they will analyze the data from the site and write some rather interesting information about the human condition as it applies to online dating. They recently posted an analysis of what kind of pictures get the most responses and and how that compares to the actual QUALITY of the responses, sometimes the results are expected (men email women who post pictures of their cleavage) some of them are less so (the older the woman – the greater effect a cleavage shot will have!)
Of all the dating sites I’ve tried, it is definitely my favorite… but it could be geography as one of the previous posters mentioned.
Comment by Kelloggsville
| January 22nd, 2010
@America – I would like to apologise directly as my (uk based) comment was based on no understanding/usage of OKC. You sound perfectly normal and ‘low maintenance’ so clearly my comment based on 572 was misguided – can I blame men in general or does that make me ‘high maintenance’? :0)
Kelloggsville´s last blog ..Educational Bribery
Comment by dadshouse
| January 22nd, 2010
America – nice explanation. But that doesn’t change my reaction to seeing that someone has answered hundreds and hundreds of questions. I would not date a woman who has spent that much time on the site. That’s no offense directed at you. It’s just my gut reaction to seeing so many questions answered. Take it as one male data point.
As for the commentator who said OKCupid was used mainly by people hooking up. I’ve heard the same thing about match.com, craigslist, plentyoffish, and pretty much every other site. I think online dating encourages disposable relationships. Meeting in person through friends fosters more respectful encounters, because you still want to talk to your friends afterwards!
Comment by Keith Wilcox
| January 22nd, 2010
I joined chemistry a few years ago and lied on just about all the questions just to see what would happen. I got a bajillion matches which I obviously ignored. Anyway, Have you tried plentyoffish.com? That’s run by this guy named Markus Frind. It’s the largest free dating site in the world and it’s bigger than a lot of the pay sites. I figure if it’s free you can’t really go wrong, right? :-)
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Oatmeal for Breakfast: Rolled or Steel Cut?
Comment by *Juliette*
| January 22nd, 2010
I have done extensive internet dating, and found OKCupid and Plenty of Fish to be the worst if you are looking for a real relationship. I believe it’s a case of “you get what you pay for.” The free sites are filled with people who have nothing invested and who are less serious about getting good results (ie meeting a potential long term partner) than the sites which cost money. What it boils down to in my experience is this: if you are looking for hookups and NSA sex and don’t want to stoop to the level of Craig’s list, join OKC and POF.
*Juliette*´s last blog ..Old Boyfriends
Comment by notasoccermom
| January 23rd, 2010
I too decided to have a look at cupid.. and I have come to the conclusion there are no hot single men in my area who are not still ’separated’ or ‘looking to spice up their marriage’.
I may never have a date again.
Good luck with your dating online and off
notasoccermom´s last blog ..The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. – Patrick Young
Comment by Kat Wilder
| January 24th, 2010
Well, getting to know someone over the course of, say three months, will involve hundreds of questions, right? So, what’s wrong with getting some out of the way in the beginning?
And, sure, a researcher can just ask out what our favorite ____ is … but, people lie, not always even aware that they’re not telling the truth. That’s why psychological tests ask a lot of questions that seem similar. They’re trying to get to the truth (that we may or may not know).
Online dating sites aren’t perfect, but neither are blind dates or meeting the old-fashioned way or arranged marriages. It’s just another tool that you can use or not.
My take is, if I’m posting a profile on XX dating site and I believe I’m a good person (yes, I do!!), then there are probably other people who are the same. Just gotta find ‘em …
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..A little death every day may be a good thing