Should an Ex-Wife’s Boyfriend Visit the Dad’s House?
I was getting out of the shower after a five-mile run when I heard the kitchen phone voicemail pick up. It was my ex-wife:
We’re coming by to pick up an iPod and a jacket before we go skiing this weekend. We’ll be there in five minutes.
No problem, my ex and I have a call-before coming rule to avoid awkward moments, ever since the time a booty call was interrupted by my son visiting unannounced. Oy! Tonight it was no big deal. I was home alone, and it would be nice to say goodbye to the kids before they took off for Tahoe. I dressed quickly.
Five minutes later, my ex-wife’s boyfriend’s truck pulled up in my driveway. WTF?!
The kids hopped out, ran inside for their stuff, and that’s when they noticed I was home.
I know there are divorced parents who wouldn’t think twice about a visit like this, especially since my ex and the kids didn’t know I was home. But I didn’t like it much. It’s one thing to rationalize in my mind that my ex’s boyfriend would be spending a fun weekend with my kids. It’s quite another to see it playing out before my eyes.
Granted, in ten years of divorce I’ve gotten used to not-seeing my kids half of each year, and to missing out on trips they take with their mom. Doesn’t mean I like it. I’d rather see my children than not.
And sure, I’ve gotten used to the fact my ex-wife has been dating for a few years. Just as my ex-wife got used to the post-divorce girlfriends of mine who she met.
But my girlfriends didn’t visit my ex-wife’s house. To do so seemed insensitive. My ex-wife’s home is her place with the kids. Just as my home is my place with them. (We have a key to each other’s house, for times when the kids need something, but we also have that call-first rule.)
I realize on this particular night it was just an accident. My ex called, and I didn’t pick up or call her back. She probably thought I wasn’t home. But seeing my ex-wife’s boyfriend’s truck pull up, and knowing what it meant – it was hard for me.
I kissed my kids goodbye and watched them drive off, then got on with my evening. It helped that I was hanging out with a girl friend later that night. And I realized the event was just an accident. Still, the experience didn’t feel great.
You tell me – Should your ex’s dating relation have free-range to visit your house? Or is there a line of respect that shouldn’t be crossed?
- Should an Ex’s Significant Other Attend Kids Events?
- Co-parenting Tips from a Single Dad: How to Deal With an EX
- The ‘Fun Parent’ in Divorce
- My Ex-Wife’s Cousin
- It’s Complicated Movie Review, with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
- Birthday Traditions for Children of Divorce
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Comment by Nicki
| January 26th, 2010
Okay, I can see where it would bother you, but at the same time…it’s not like he came strolling in the front door. And I understand how it happened. They were en route, not trying to be in your face. (Of course, this is all easy for me to say, since it has yet to happen to me. When it finally does happen…as it no doubt will, feel free to throw this right back on me.)
Deep breath.
Nicki´s last blog ..It was the perfect weekend…
Comment by BigLittleWolf
| January 26th, 2010
Depending upon your relationship with the ex (yours is amicable), it’s a hard call. Still, generally, I’m with you, DM. In this case, sounds like it was unintentional, but it’s nonetheless, uncomfortable, to say the least.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Suck balls
Comment by Cece
| January 26th, 2010
Sounds like perhaps another rule could be set…worth contemplating. Heart strings are heart strings and heart string are very long and they cover the years…
cece
Cece´s last blog ..Dating 101: Are Relationships like an Engineering Project?
Comment by debra
| January 26th, 2010
I think it depends, but this boyfriend is obviously serious enough (and probably long term enough) that he’s spending the weekend with the kids. I’m assuming you know him. And he did wait in the car. I guess I don’t understand what part bothered you? Maybe it’s a man thing, territory and all that? :) My son’s new step mom has done the drop off or pick up at my house from time to time (without my ex) and it doesn’t bother me to have her come in, go to my son’s room with him so he can show her something, and even stick around and chat. I get the impression it was uncomfortable for her at first though.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| January 26th, 2010
After 10 years of divorce? Um, yeah.
The best co-parent you can be is one who’s supportive of and kind to your ex, because kids don’t want to deal with their parents’ drama.
If this guy’s been around for a while and he’s kind to your kids, let it go; it’s just another person caring for your children. Can’t have too many people like that …
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..The days of wine and dating
Comment by Me Thinks
| January 26th, 2010
I don’t get what is bugging you. He waited in the car, no? Its one thing if he came in uninvited, quite another if he is the mode of transportation.
My ex’s girlfriend and I get along quite well. Yes, it was a little awkward when she first started bringing the kids into the house but she treats them well, I’m happy he is with someone and not alone and they have a good “stepmom”.
Me thinks maybe you are bitter she is with someone for family stuff and you are not. I’ve been there too – still am, sometimes, it got under my skin when they got a dog too. But its not the ex’s gf’s fault, just the way it worked out. Also I like to tell myself sometimes I hope she marries his ass so she’s stuck with him :)
Comment by Big City Dad
| January 26th, 2010
As long as it was a mistake and it’s not a regular thing, maybe the sensitivity is yours to deal with. I know it will bother me when I see my daughter with whoever my Ex dates. I want to be the only man in her life. Still, she (Miss M) deserves to have a life away from me since half of it is that way anyway. I totally get where you’re coming from. I’d rather not see it even though it might be there. Sticking to the “call first” rule is a great way to go and maybe asking who is coming during that call is a good idea. If it had been something you had consented to, it might not have bothered you as much.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..The Dilemma
Comment by mags
| January 26th, 2010
I’m with most everyone else. I can understand it was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t like he came in the house, or even got out of the car. Personally, they best be engaged if my ex’s gf was to come in my house, but there have been numerous times she was in the car waiting while the ex or the kids came in to pick something up.
Comment by kmn
| January 26th, 2010
It’s my understanding this is a long-term boyfriend of your ex’s, possibly they live together? This seems perfectly normal to me and I wouldn’t mind at all. I’m guessing its not seeing the ex with him, it’s your kids relationship with him. You have a great relationship with your kids, nothing changes that. No need to feel he is taking anything away from you. Yes the time thing, but you have that issue whether he’s in the picture or not. My ex remarried within a year and I’ve had her come by to pick up kids, or be at athletic events with her there too. I’ve moved on enough to be fine with it.
Comment by Mindy@SingleMomSays
| January 26th, 2010
I think if it’s not in-your-face or meant to be disrespectful in any way then occasional near-misses are just part of being a divorced parent.
That being said, it is NEVER ok when it’s your ex best-friend or someone your spouse left you for. Thats gonna be a rub no matter what the situaion. But it’s not like the ex spouse who left you for someone else – or who they left you for – is going to care about your feelings. So, either way you just gotta learn how to suck it up.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..I won’t be your Doormat but that doesn’t mean I’m a Bitch
Comment by Travis
| January 26th, 2010
Man, that line gets crossed every other weekend. In fact it’s the boyfriend that I interact most with… grumble.
But yeah, we just have to deal with it and suck it up as Mindy said.
Travis´s last blog ..This Night Is Winding Down, But Time Means Nothing
Comment by Andrea
| January 26th, 2010
While this was an accident I can understand how you felt. I don’t think I’d like it one bit either. There should be certain ground rules for the ex’s current partner visiting your home. I think it would depend on how long they’ve been dating, how serious they are and how comfortable you all are when you are forced to be together at something like at a school event. It would also depend on why they were coming over, a birthday or special event I could see that you would have to suck it up and deal for the kids sake. But this situation seems like it was just an accident.
Andrea´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts: A Birthday and the Un-Ending Cold
Comment by dadshouse
| January 26th, 2010
The boyfriend does not live with my ex. And I agree occasional near-misses will always need to be dealt with. But there have been more brazen appearances. For instance, when the ex’s boyfriend rode bikes over with my son on a Saturday afternoon. That’s even harder for me to take. I want to be spending that time with my son, not watching my son spend it with some guy who may not be around next week.
I’m not bitter at all about my ex dating. I’m happy for her. It’s my relationship with my kids that I don’t like carving up for some other adult who I had no say in choosing. It’s not like the boyfriend is a coach who both parents agree will be a good influence on the kids. (In fact, coaches go through all sorts of training that boyfriends don’t.)
I realize the boyfriend spends time with the kids. I just don’t want it in my face when I don’t have custody.
On a tangential note, if my ex is busy or not around, California allows the boyfriend to spend a few hours alone with the kids – but if it’s going to be more than that, the ex is supposed to offer that time with the kids to me. Blood is thicker than water.
Comment by Ginger Magnolia
| January 26th, 2010
Not a fun situation, to be sure, but like others have said, at least he was respectful enough to wait in the car. I think acknowledging your feelings can only be a good thing, though, even if it isn’t the “mature” response.
Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music (and words) Tuesday
Comment by Just Me...
| January 26th, 2010
I can understand not wanting your child to get attached to someone who may or may not be around next week.. That’s a discussion to have with your ex.. Make your feelings known. If you don’t have your girlfriends around when the kids are there, you have a leg to stand on.. Just make certain you aren’t asking something of her you’re not willing to live with yourself..
Second, if the guy is just showing up at your house uninvited, that’s an invasion.. But, if he’s trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, I’d cut him some slack..
Remember, he’s takign his cues from the ex. It’s her you have to deal with… Good luck!!
Just Me…´s last blog ..Let’s Explain It One More Time….
Comment by mama llama
| January 26th, 2010
She should have stipulated in her message that HE was bringing the kids by. She was misleading in the message that she left…and the marital “we” she used could have been interpreted in so many ways…she and the kids, all of them…whatever. Anyhow, specifics are a rule of thumb with all parties so as not to leave anything to question.
Yeah, I would not have liked that, either, no matter how “used” to the situation I have become.
Hugs atcha, Dads. Be well.
mama llama´s last blog ..Who dat?
Comment by oshea12566
| January 26th, 2010
I am with you on this. I am guessing it is a man thing. Feels like the boyfriend is invading your den, your hunting grounds, your cave. Of course that is not the case, but still can not help how one feels. I am also willing to bet that if you had known ahead of time, and you granted your permission for another male to enter the territory, you would have not been caught off guard.
That being said, it is something best to keep to yourself. Bottom line is they were there to get something for the kids who are all that really matter. Best to play this one cool. But I can feel your pain. I would not want someone marking his territory all over my driveway either.
oshea12566´s last blog ..Bowling!
Comment by Sandra
| January 26th, 2010
I can’t blame you for feeling that way.
I’m so thankful I never had children with my ex boyfriend.
Sandra´s last blog ..No Fatties ! Uglies may apply though…………..
Comment by CheeryWise
| January 26th, 2010
What an excellent idea, dads: boyfriends of single mothers should go through basic training! I’d like to see that agenda ;)
Happy to hear you were able to drown the sorry of the encounter by going out with a “girl friend”. Will we hear more?!
Comment by Kelloggsville
| January 26th, 2010
Partner: yes , boyfriend : no
Problem is definition.
My Husband will go to ex’s to pick daughter up but then my ex has keys to our house and lets himself and daughter in when necessary. If it’s my weekend but I will be busy for an extended time, I offer time to my ex – I don’t just leave her with my husband.
If the BF has been around for a while you may have to just get used to it, if the ex is transient then you may be able to have some influence. As teens your kids are probably starting to make their own choices about who they want to be with and not letting you decide. If they start to choose transient BF with a motorbike then it’s going to hurt and trying to compete may invite even more difficulties. Ultimately a good loving Dad will hold the long-haul upper hand over any BF but you may have to swallow some pride along the way. (is my 2-penneth worth of an opinion and I am very often wrong, so please take it with a bucket of salt !)
Kelloggsville´s last blog ..Mudski – a muddy walk thought
Comment by Eathan
| January 26th, 2010
I’m a private guy when it comes to people come to my house uninvited. I won’t even answer the door if maintenance/repair people comes by with out a phone call. I consider my house my private space. So that isn’t something that my ex would ever attempt.
Eathan´s last blog ..Don’t Like Things, Change Something
Comment by Florinda
| January 26th, 2010
I get what you’re saying – and I KNOW my husband would. But the shoe’s been on the other foot, too. When he and I were dating, I did go to his ex’s house a few times – but never without him, and always for something involving his kids. Even now, after more than three years of marriage, I STILL wouldn’t go to his ex’s house without him, unless I was picking the kids up on his behalf and I knew she wasn’t around.
In any case, it’s a recipe for all kinds of awkwardness.
Florinda´s last blog ..Sunday Salon 1/24/10: Bookmarking a Room of Your Own
Comment by Sonia
| January 26th, 2010
To be fair, he just waited in the car for the kids to fetch their stuff. I don’t see that as an invasion of turf. Re-reading the post, however, it seems the fleeting presence of the ex’s bf on your driveway was not the painful part, but the knowledge they were all going on a family trip to Tahoe. You have my sympathies there.
Are you fully briefed on who & what the bf is (name, occupation)? I ask because my husband won’t tell me anything about the live-in gf who shares my children when they visit my husband’s house. Not name, age, or occupation. So I am left to wonder who this person might be, exactly, and why my request for basic info was shrugged off. It’s uncomfortable for me that my children (one elementary school age, one junior high age) are spending 3-4 days at a stretch with a person I know nothing about.
Comment by Danielle
| January 26th, 2010
If it were me and it had been 10 years, I don’t think I would mind. But every one is different and I have never had to deal with anything regaurding my kid. That might sting a bit.
Danielle´s last blog ..The damn thing lied to me
Comment by Yun
| January 26th, 2010
Wow, I just had this moment two days ago, and wrote an journal entry about it much like yours, but not so well articulated. Thank you! I thought I am the only one who is confused about the divorced family life. To some extend, he is now your ‘extend family’ for a while, better get used to it:-) This is so blizzard, the culture of civilization…
This was on my mind two days ago: “Today, my kids father sent her girlfriend over to pick up my kids, and that just hurts. It is not jealous, rather it is the resentment that they are playing house there with MY KIDS! And I am missing them…”
Yun´s last blog ..Dating 101: Are Relationships like an Engineering Project?
Comment by ditz
| January 26th, 2010
I understand where you are coming from. I didn’t bring children into the world to have them raised by someone else, especially when the divorce was not my idea.
Comment by Daddy Geek Boy
| January 26th, 2010
I’ll be honest, it’s hard for me to relate to this. My initial reaction is that maybe you’re overreacting. But when I really put myself in your position, I would probably feel the exact same way.
Daddy Geek Boy´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts: You Gotta Start Somewhere
Comment by Sandra
| January 26th, 2010
Hola Hot Dad,
Hey, I answered your question in my comment section as to why I haven’t been “manslating” female ads on Craigslist.
If you found an ad you think would make good blog fodder, please e-mail me and I will get to work right away.
Sandra´s last blog ..No Fatties ! Uglies may apply though…………..
Comment by krn
| January 26th, 2010
I can’t agree or disagree with you. You feel the way you do. Anytime you feel unsettled or riled about something, it’s worth sharing with your ex and asking for what you’d like to have happen instead.
Now that my ex is engaged and I have a man friend who is likely to stay in our lives for some time, I’m all for making exchanges convenient for everyone involved. That being said, my home is a private space, so I prefer not to have the ex or his lovely fiance inside. They don’t need to come in, but are welcome to enjoy the entry, the driveway and the front yard for as long as they like. No camping out, though~
Comment by Sandy
| January 26th, 2010
I understand your feelings about having to share your kids. It sounds like you’ve got a reasonable good relationship with their mother. Good for you. But the event you describe doesn’t exactly sound like the boyfriend has ‘free range’ of your house. He didn’t need to come into the house and it doesn’t sound like he did. Hopefully your evening wasn’t ruined. Be glad the kids are happy and well adjusted.
Sandy´s last blog ..There’s a Party Going on Right Here
Comment by notasoccermom
| January 26th, 2010
It is very hard to get used to the kids spending time with her boyfriend. But just because they have not tied the knot yet, doesnt make it less of a relationship. Hard on you or not, she feels enough of a connection with this man to involve the kids and that is good for them as long as he is not toxic like my ex’s newest ex.
It is hard but it gets easier with time.. and he only pulled in the driveway- would you rather they let the kids out a few houses down? or drop said boyfriend off before they get there?
Silly man
notasoccermom´s last blog ..If Shakespeare could see the state of our world now.
Comment by T
| January 26th, 2010
Well, I think these things are just gonna sting. Period. Rascal’s ex-wife’s boyfriend is moving in with her. It hurts. I get it. We all married thinking these relationships would be “IT”. And yes, great relationship aside, it’s still gonna hurt some.
*sigh*
Hang in there.
T´s last blog ..Feeling Ornery
Comment by dadshouse
| January 26th, 2010
Daddy Geek Boy – are you divorced? Do you only get to see your kids half time? It’s so much more fun seeing them daily, and doing fun activities with them. I don’t have that. It’s funny, many full time parents would welcome a break from their kids, and I’d like to see mine more.
Krn – I’m with you! My ex used to come into my house and go waltzing straight back to my kids room. I finally asked her, would she do that at a neighbor’s house? Of course not. And so I don’t allow her to do that in my house. And I don’t do it in hers.
Notasoccermom – sharing my feelings on this blog does not make me a silly man. I shared that it bothers me that my kids spend fun time with a man I don’t know very well. Also, there are things I won’t write on this blog, so you don’t have a complete picture. (Sorry for that.) Seeing him drive them off skiing reinforced those feelings, whether he got out of the car or not. It’s like when neighbors tell you about some great party they threw and how they invited everyone – everyone except you. Some things are insensitive.
Comment by Elizabeth
| January 26th, 2010
This is so spot on, Mott. You really pressed a hot button here. You grapple with many profound questions and feelings.
Also I’m thinking my kids might meet my boyfriend, if I ever have one again, when we sign up for a double at the nursing home. Why drag them through something that isn’t a sure thing?
Elizabeth´s last blog ..Just like your mother…
Comment by MommaSunshine
| January 27th, 2010
I think it’s one of those things that’s always going to sting a little bit when they happen, but as adults, I think we’ve got to learn to suck it up a little bit. Obviously, if this man is spending time with your kids, he’s not just some dude that your wife brought home. Plus, it’s not like he actually came into the house.
Since he’s obviously spending time with your children, it’s actually probably in your best interests to get to know this guy at least a little bit…
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..A Lesson in Determination
Comment by QTMama
| January 27th, 2010
So if your ex marries this man, and this man becomes their stepfather, would you feel better about it?
I don’t know DH, it seems rather territorial to me. I think if it were me, that MY main concern would be how good he is to your children, not that he’s spending time with them.
My two cents.
QTMama´s last blog ..The RE and QT Question Hour
Comment by Mike
| January 27th, 2010
I am getting to your blog a little late but it looks great (I look forward to reading all about your adventures).
I completely understand how hard that moment was. But recognize it was the first time that happened. So it will get easier with time. I go through this sort of worried thought process from time to time as well (even though the children’s mom is not seeing anyone at the moment and while -I- am the new partner who spends time with someone else’s son … so I would be the partner in your story).
At some level, the thought of someone else spending quality father time with my children bothers me. Logically I try to remind myself that it’s in the children’s best interests to have more people who love them and treat them well surrounding them. Emotionally I worry that the person may take away from my own father-child bond in some way (and the fear of what happens if my ex- takes on a bad partner also rears its ugly head in there around this time in my musings).
At this point I try to remind myself to breathe….. Then I remind myself that the bond I have with my kids will be strong (or weak) based on how I behave with them when they are around, not about what happens when I am not around.
But it is a VERY tough situation. That is the thing about divorces, they suck :-) Everything we may have once thought about raising our children is thrown out the window and we improvise. But most involved parents that I know actually develop stronger relationships with their children following divorce if they put the focus on the children (and themselves) because, I think, we appreciate the joy of children that much more as a result!
Comment by MichkaSmiles
| January 27th, 2010
I think there is a underlining issue beside whether or not she should visit while with the BF, I think it’s just the residual affects of being divorced with kids. I have had a lot of “mindfucks” to overcome in the last 5 years, my ex had a kid with her boyfriend 2 years (D for 6 now) after our divorce which I felt would take away from my kids needs they all played house went on trips, skiing, etc.. while I was broke paying for the maintenance and support, doing a lot to make it happen. As well my kids really liked him and I was grumpy and broke down, jealous, pissed. It took me about 5 years to get to a better place with it. He is dedicated to my kids; and that I am grateful, I will always miss the time I have lost, but since I can do nothing about that I will not let it eat me up anymore. They are now getting a common law divorce. Now I get to worry about who is next. I think its something we just have to try and let go of to some degree.
Comment by Laura
| January 28th, 2010
NO! I dont want my ex’s gfriend walking around my house and I expect my ex feels the same way!
Laura´s last blog ..Reality Bites
Comment by notasoccermom
| January 30th, 2010
I meant no disrespect, silly (wo)man is a term I often use.. More or less saying.. I feel silly feeling this way but emotions are tough to overcome.
I have been in your shoes.. on a few occasions… I had my kids 24-7 we lived and breathed each other and I have loved it. Now that they are near adults, their father wants to be a father again.. and it tears me up inside when they get so excited to see him. But I realize that no matter what he does to hurt me, he is still their father and for the kids to have the best relationship with us both I have to let it hurt sometimes.
:) for me, it got easier to let him ( and the two separate wives) in. although my ex is divorced from the woman who was only an evil step-mother to them, the kids want contact with her and i have to allow it for them. Right is not always easy
notasoccermom´s last blog ..If Victor Hugo could see the state of our world now.
Comment by AngryDad
| February 1st, 2010
Eh, either way you cut it, it sucks. Can’t help how you feel.
AngryDad´s last blog ..How to Avoid a Fight with the SheBitch