Dad's House

Single Parent Dating
& Parenting Teens

44 Responses to “He’s Not Worthy! You Deserve Better!”

1. Comment by Cece | February 9th, 2010

   OH! Am I really the first comment? HA!

   We wrote a recent post about relationships being like an engineering project…with its long spread sheets of likes and dislikes….he has this quality…check…not this one…minus…tally it up…

   somewhere we have lost our simplicity.

   Just give me a good man in spandex and I will be happy!
   Cece
   Cece´s last blog ..Take Out the Trash! Is Being Miserable Worth It?

2. Comment by oshea12566 | February 9th, 2010

   Women analyze everything way to much. They think there is a sign or reason behind everything. Holy shit woman I did not call you because I wanted to play X Box in my underwear while eating Cheetos and drinking scotch before I knew it I was 11pm. Good news is I beat Halo 3. Bad news is you think I did not call you for some whacked out made up reason one of your BFFs planted in your head.
   oshea12566´s last blog ..Bar Build Update

3. Comment by Travis | February 9th, 2010

   So here is my goal. It’s simple, effective and works like a charm…

   Never… scratch that… If it’s going to end, always make sure it’s not because of you.

   The last two girlfriends I had, left because they didn’t feel they could meet my list of standards (Funny… I really didn’t have a list, but they created this imaginary one in their heads).

   They said, “I don’t deserve you. I’ve screwed everything up”

   Yet, when I tried to explain that no everything is fine, they got it in their heads that they weren’t. It was doomed from there.

   So I think it’s about a fine balance, with the hard-left of “She’s not worthy” to the hard-right of “He’s not worthy”

   Both views are self-deprecating and sabotaging. Your saying that that the relationship doesn’t have enough worthy elements to it and must end. Learn to live a life of balance, and you will wobble the line knowing full well that we both have to continually work to make the relationship be what we want it too be.
   Travis´s last blog ..When I Hit The Water I Hit The Deep End

4. Comment by Travis | February 9th, 2010

   @oshea12566 – well there was your problem right there. You just told everyone that you value your xbox and drinking scotch more than her. I don’t think that was a miss-communication… you communicated that very well to her.

   If you would of called her, she would of been comforted in knowing what was going on… if you didn’t want to tell her that you were playing xbox, then you were toast either way… because now you have to contend with, whether or not you choose to lie to her, or choose to ignore her.
   Travis´s last blog ..When I Hit The Water I Hit The Deep End

5. Comment by Mindy@SingleMomSays | February 9th, 2010

   Knowing that this post, at least in part, came from your comment on my post yesterday I have to say this;

   Back the F up.

   You said, “Maybe guys are wired differently, or maybe we’ve been programmed by society to expect less.”

   You are wired differently but many of you expect WAY more than you are willing to give! From what I have seen and experienced, a women who expects a healthy, MUTUALLY rewarding relationship gets accused of being demanding, controlling and all sorts of other names b/c so many men resist the challenge to grow within a relationship. That includes making some lifestyle adjustments such as thinking as a “we” instead of a “me” and not being so self-centered.

   Yes, there are women who run everything by their gf’s. I am not one of them but maybe I should be. Sometimes an objective point of view is needed. MANY women second guess themselves A LOT when it comes to our relationships with men and without even knowing this is what we are doing. And many men USE our vulnerabilities to play us and feed their egos.

   Historically women have “had their place” and were expected to keep their thoughts to themselves, ESPECIALLY when they conflicted with her husband’s. These women gave birth to little girls and raised them to follow that way of thinking and ever since women have been editing themselves to please their men.

   Only in the last few decades has this started to change and as it does we find a LOT of men who cant rise to the challenge, who flee at the first sign of conflict, who blame US for their behaviors, who lie, cheat, take the reltionship for granted and then date women half their age who are too naive to challenge them. Sure, there are women who do this too but they are not as abundant as the men who do.

   Yes, happiness comes from within and yes, the only love you keep is the love you give away but that said, sometimes that love and happiness is shared with someone who is not worthy of it, someone who expected it and gave nothing in return but abuse. Not every man is a good guy, David. And if you ask the women who read this blog I bet they can all tell of at least one man who was not worthy of her love. But she loved him anyway and got burned for it.

   What women want in a relationship is simple too, we want respect, love and to be honored in all situations. We want you to love us in our best interests as we would do for you. Doesn’t seem like much to ask but for some reason it’s pretty damn hard to find.

   (FYI your comment love thingy wont show my most recent post) ?
   Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..What a REAL Relationship Looks Like

6. Comment by QandleQueen | February 9th, 2010

   BFF’s (yes, Best Friends Forever) were there before girls discovered boys (and girls DO discover boys before boys discover girls). And when each boyfriend wanders off for greener/easier pastures the BFF’s are still there. We comfort each other during those times and learn that boys come and go, but friends are forever.

   It’s a deep bond. We learn very early that our friends eagle eyes see far more than we do down in the trenches of infatuation. Those friends warn us when he’s a cheating weasel. They know through the grapevine why he’s no longer with any of his last five girlfriends. Friends do all of the investigative work. They see, they hear, they know.

   And that’s all by the age of fourteen. And no, women do not progress much beyond that. We are all insecure fourteen year olds, clinging tightly to the advice of our nearest and dearest.

   So yeah, you’re pretty much screwed if her friends don’t warm up to you.

   As my friend’s husband said, “When he married her he got three wives in the deal.” And it wasn’t a compliment, but he’s learned to live with all of us and our maddening quirks. We are a package deal. He tried to warn the other 3 husbands, but they blindly ignored him and married into the shark pool. At least he’s no longer alone. Misery loves company.
   QandleQueen´s last blog ..Playing In The Snow

7. Comment by Travis | February 9th, 2010

   @Mindy – I am glad you said “many” and not “all.”

   For men who do treat women with respect, love and honor. It is a uphill battle to remind them that not all men are jerks.

   I actually prefer girls that do have friends to watch over them and to back them up. Women want the confirmations that they are making the best decisions, and if you can’t live under that microscope then you might want to rethink your actions.

   Plus… you get in with the friends… it means that you really are this amazing person, that the woman you want to be with, sees you to be.
   Travis´s last blog ..When I Hit The Water I Hit The Deep End

8. Comment by Nicki | February 9th, 2010

   Wow. Just wow.

   First, I know that you have been concerned that I am one of the many women who place too much importance on his actions for my happiness. And it may appear that way, which is of course, my fault since I’m the one who writes the posts.

   Rest assured, my happiness comes from within. Unfortunately, that’s where my insecurities are, too. (You know, the ugly parts we all try to keep hidden.) And by our age…and given our past history…we are all a little damaged. It takes someone really special and really patient and super consistent to build in us the complete trust and confidence that a successful relationship requires.

   Some are up to the challenge. Some have a strong start and fizzle out. (Ouch…more damamge.) And some are doing the best they can and by allowing the lines of communication to remain open, they stand a chance at a happily ever after.

   Oh, and the best of us (women) use our friends as sounding boards. The best of us have friends that never weigh in, but listen, offer support, and stand by our side no matter what without dictating the outcome of our relationships. And the best of us are willing to wait for the man that while not perfect, is perfect for us. Settling, especially the second time around, is not an option. The only thing worse than being alone is being with the wrong person.
   Nicki´s last blog ..It’s a good look for me…

9. Comment by Kat Wilder | February 9th, 2010

   Dads, if the women you’re hanging around with talk like this — “My man gave me flowers.” “My man gave me diamond earrings.” “My man gave me a Lexus.” — you are hanging around with the wrong women. Change that!

   It’s important to me that my man and my friends tolerate each other, although liking each other is much better, obviously. It’s important that we at least listen to what our friends say (male or female) — very often, they see things we can’t (or refuse to). But, to have friends advise us (”You deserve better”) based on what we ourselves are telling them, well, that’s totally biased, isn’t it?

   And, sad to say, the comments here are starting to get very man vs. female. Ugh.
   Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Settling for Mr. Good Enough isn’t enough

10. Comment by batticus | February 9th, 2010

    It seems the “checklist” is at the root of the mars-venus disconnect beautifully illustrated by the off-Broadway play “I love you, you’re perfect, now change”. The desire to change a guy into the perfect guy is just as big a problem as waiting for the perfect guy to show up. By the time you enter Gottlieb’s demographic, you have to accept that the other person is an adult and may not be interested in the changes you have mapped out for them. Accepting the person as-is is the underlying message.

11. Comment by Kelli | February 9th, 2010

    I read this and all the while I was saying “yes women do that” “yup, uhhuh” shaking my head the whole time. So funny. I will be the first to admit it. I can relate to your FIRST GRILFRIEND POST DIVORCE bff. I had a friend like that who when she got lonely would tell me that stuff. I finally realized it and nipped it in the bud. She wasn’t a good friend, I realized that too late. I had lost too many GOOD MEN, but sometimes my actual friends can see things that I can’t b/c I am “blinded by love” or lust. So I do listen to them. But not always. Just be who you are and hopefully SHE WILL (& her friends will) see who you really are. :)
    Kelli´s last blog .."QotD"

12. Comment by Kelloggsville | February 9th, 2010

    “If you attach your happiness to what someone does for you, or says to you, or gives to you”

    hmmmm – maybe I read this differently but in order to be happy I do require my partner to be nice to me, GIVE me respect and love. If my partner is not showing love in the way he communicates to me, I feel unfulfilled, unwanted and unloved and this makes me unhappy in the relationship (I can still be a happy person and go out to the shoe shop!!). I go for the 1 in 4 rule. 4 good things to every 1 bad and the relationship is good enough!! (Playing x-box in underwear whilst drinking scotch and eating cheerios as an excuse for not ringing me sits in the bad camp BTW)

    BFF’s are not easily come by, imposter BFFs abound. A true BFF would not try to screwover a relationship because she was jealous but many women are catty, jealous, manilpulative (and most are capable of it at some time). Most of my small group of true friends have very accurately predicted the path of our relationships and someone looking in can often be very objective. But in the end we have never tried to stop each other on our chosen paths and just supported each other.

    Women are different to men you can try and get into the psyche but I think many men are just happy to go with the ’smile, nod and buy flowers’ approach and if it works why knock it!!
    Kelloggsville´s last blog ..Parents Evening

13. Comment by AngryDad | February 9th, 2010

    my ex would analyze everything. everytime we’d talk to anyone she’d analzye and come away asking, “they did this, do you think they are mad at me?” one person she always thought was mad at her was my dad, at the time he wasn’t. after her vag became quite popular with the men folk of the town, she was correct in thinking that he was indeed mad at her.

    women are anayltical, we just have to work around it.
    AngryDad´s last blog ..How to Keep Your Facebook Account from Your Ex

14. Comment by Pippi | February 9th, 2010

    Dad’s House: I like and identify with the following:
    “Happiness comes from within” and “If you enjoy spending time with someone, then even when they’re not with you, you can remember that you enjoy spending time with them, and the magic is still there” I have a girlfriend who is over the top about analyzing every frigging thing. She is terribly insecure. I want to shake her and say Wake the F*ck Up – you’re not perfect either.
    Pippi´s last blog .."Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy…"

15. Comment by Mark | February 9th, 2010

    I think the most interesting thing about all of this is that in the end most women do settle … so what does all of this really accomplish other than to confuse each other.
    Mark´s last blog ..How Do You Practice?

16. Comment by sexandthesingledad | February 9th, 2010

    Holy crap, where do I begin commenting??? I loved it. Luckily I’m with someone that I know loves me and who knows that I love her, so there’s not a ton of analyzing going on. She works in downtown Buffalo and I work in Williamsville, about 20 min away. She has to come to Williamsville today to one of their branch offices and I asked her if she had time for lunch. She said she would love to but she was coming with two other people, so maybe another day. I said “that’s cool. Well. when you come to Williamsville at least think about me….” She paused a second and said, “Jesus Christ. I’m dating a chick…” WTF is that supposed to mean? I could have meant something dirty and guy-like, right?
    sexandthesingledad´s last blog ..Fat chicks in bikinis

17. Comment by dadshouse | February 9th, 2010

    Mindy – I hear your anger. Please know I’ve had plenty of girlfriends who hit the eject button with the first speed bump. It’s not a man-trait. It’s a human thing with people who maybe aren’t ready for full-on relationships, or aren’t ready to face the things they don’t like about their own self.

    I’m also sorry you find a lot of men who lie and cheat. I hapen to know a lot of men who are great husbands and dads.

    Travis – I disagree with your assessment of Oshea’s behavior. Guys don’t have to call every friggin’ minute and say “I’m playing Xbox” or whatever else they are doing. Now, if he promised to call ahead of time, that’s one thing. But otherwise? Not calling does not equate to not valuing the relationship.

    QandleQueen – a BFF of a GF I dated years ago told the GF that someone saw me out in a bar with another woman. Wow! I’m a weasel and liar and a cheat! Except for one thing … the person I was in the bar with that night WAS MY GF! And the person who told BFF that they saw me in the bar didn’t realize that the woman I was with was my GF. (I’m not making this up – that person was friends with BFF and knew me from work, but had never met GF) Talk about DRAMA for NOTHING. Sometimes the grapevine screws up.

    Nicki – like I said, I respond to what I read, and I can’t possibly respond to what I don’t know. The things I wrote about here are things I’ve read, but also things I’ve encountered in my real life. Lori Gottlieb’s book addresses these things too, so I at least know others have seen or experienced these behaviors.

    Kat – believe me, I did stop hanging out with those women. When a woman values material stuff over just spending time together, I hit the eject button.

    Kelloggsville – I agree there needs to be mutual respect. But I believe attaching happiness to expectations is usually a recipe for disappointment. Love is huge, like you say. You want to give and also to receive love. But speed bumps do happen. There will be times when your expectations are not met. Do you hit the eject button for every little thing? (It’s so much easier to love your kids. If they are brats, you love them anyways.)

    Kelli – I re-read this post three times before posting it, because I knew it would touch a nerve with some. And every time I re-read it, I shook my head like you did, and said “yep, uh-huh. I know people like this.”

18. Comment by Single Mom in New England | February 9th, 2010

    Here’s a relevant story– One of my girlfriends always started criticizing my new boyfriend every time I would get into a relationship — seemingly out of jealousy that I was spending more time with him than with her. This last relationship, I really took a look at my friendship with her, thought about what I could do, and I “set her up” with another one of my girlfriends (they are both straight and married btw). Now they spend alot of time together, and lo and behold, she is so happy for me and supportive about my new boyfriend! She was just mourning the girl-time she so desperately counted on. Don’t get me wrong — I DEFINITELY NEED my girl-time too, just not with the guilt trip (that sometimes materializes as undue criticism of the boyfriend) attached! So I did have to take a hard look at our friendship. True friends support you when you are happy, whether they think it is a good fit for the long term or not. It’s your life to live, and if you choose to be with a partner, they should respect it and support you in your decision, and they will always be there for you and rejoice with you if it works out, or help pick you up if it doesn’t. True friendships offer a ‘no judgement zone’, and I’m so lucky to have a few stellar ones in my life.

19. Comment by Kelloggsville | February 9th, 2010

    Hit the eject button for every little thing?!!! Nope, if I picked up on every little thing I would have gone insane already!!! My first marriage was 15 years (ultimate failure my fault), I’m 5 years into my second and I have lowered my expectation bar significantly – this I find makes for a much more content existance. Hey, talking of speed bumps you reminded me of this : http://kelloggsville.blogspot.com/2009/11/marriage-long-journey.html

    once you’re commited to the long-haul speed bumps are just hiccups to be overcome. In the trickier ‘dating game’ speed bumps can seem like brick walls.
    Kelloggsville´s last blog ..Parents Evening

20. Comment by Travis | February 9th, 2010

    @dadhouse – I’m going to have disagree. I think it’s very appropriate and a sign of respect to communicate the plans for the evening, if calling is a normal routine.

    He made it sound like he knew she was expecting it, but really wanted to play xbox, and due to all of his aforementioned thoughts, he forgot… and that 11PM just came up on him.

    That’s worthy of an apology, not a “good grief, give me a break”
    Travis´s last blog ..When I Hit The Water I Hit The Deep End

21. Comment by T | February 9th, 2010

    The blog that Mindy was referring to in her last post also wrote a review of Lori Gottlieb’s book. Here is the link:

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/

    I liked when she said, “This is not about killing the dream but it is about realising that sometimes the dream’s not a dream and that it may be based in something unrealistic.”

    We are picky…. both men *and* women. Especially after other relationships. We all seem afraid to “settle”. I hate that word. I hate that thought.

    I don’t think we can help who we fall for. I could make a list all day long but I love who I love. Rascal isn’t the “perfect one” for me. He doesn’t fit any sort of list of perfect man. But I love him so much. He shows me things about myself that encourage me to grow and shine. He allows me to be myself and loves me because of (and in spite of) it.

    It doesn’t matter what anyone says. I loved Soldier the same way, even when everyone told me that he wasn’t good enough or wasn’t the one for me. You can decide to take those external messages and allow them to determine the fate of your relationship or you can listen to your heart.

    You are where you choose to be.

    Two people in a relationship make it real, not some sort of list. And those two people will make it work together. One will give more at some points and the other will give more later. It will be a balance. It will be mutual. It will defy odds and lists and plans. It simply is.

    And if it isn’t, then take what you learned and continue to grow. You will attract someone else to challenge you, to be your mirror. You will each play your parts and learn what you need to learn. The love will last or not. The relationship will continue, change form or end.

    We can analyze it all day long but it is what it is. You love who you love. No matter what sorts of confusing messages your girlfriends, guyfriends or society tries to tell you about what it SHOULD be… it just is.

    (sorry to go off, DH, this is exactly what I needed to read today. thank you.)
    T´s last blog ..Mardi Gras/Saints Weekend in Pics

22. Comment by Jenni | February 9th, 2010

    I love your post. And I think it speaks a lot of truth, and a lot of women out in the dating world should take note.

    I happen to settle and then over think everything. But instead of turning to a girlfriend [which I really don't have any that I'm "BFF's" with], I turn to my GUY friends! They don’t have the “Oh what great gossip material!” attitude that come from talking with women, they have “Let me talk some sense into this chick!” attitude. They are all extremely honest and have given me an honest point of view.
    Jenni´s last blog .."I like, LIKE you."

23. Comment by kmn | February 9th, 2010

    David – I hear your frustration in the blog. You’ve touched on a similar theme in other posts. The problem seems to be the area you live where there are more men and less women. Women are “pickier” where you live because THEY CAN BE. When it’s reversed, more women and less men, men do the same thing. What do they choose? Youth, beauty, hot body. Pretty superficial stuff and in my opinion on par with the diamond earrings. I find it very frustrating that a lot of men my age won’t date women my age. Seems that men and women want what they want and they’re willing to stay single a long time to get it.

    I do think there’s an exaggeration in the book about how much influence women’s friends have. My friends would never interfere and say those things to each other. Maybe women in their 20s, but not 40s. If my friend is happy, I’m happy for her.

24. Comment by Sandra | February 9th, 2010

    Wow ! You sure know how to get a conversation going ! I understand that you are generalizing and are keeping it to women, because you date women.

    I am also here to tell you I am not one of those women. Yes I do have a list of things I require. But I have that list, because everything I ask for I can bring to the table as well.

    I do not dump men for the stupid examples you gave above, and neither would my girlfriends. I have good friends, and half are happily involved and some are single, but great women.

    If those are your collective experiences with women, maybe you need to change who you are hanging out with and getting involved with. Because I know a lot of great women who are not like that. Just like you know a lot of men who are not like the men women complain about.

    Women are no better or worse than men. Poll a group of women up here, myself included and we can all tell you about the douchey reasons we were dumped. It really does go both ways.

    Interesting book though, thanks for sharing. I should go have a read sometime. I hear it’s controversial, but I also think she makes some good points.
    Sandra´s last blog ..Howdy Neighbor ? How’s about a cup of sugar ? Underpants ?

25. Comment by QTMama | February 9th, 2010

    Well I’ve no problem admitting that it’s important to me that my two BFF’s like my guy. But here is the difference, if they didn’t like him, they’d STILL support me if I wanted to date him.

    Oh. And GO MINDY!
    QTMama´s last blog ..Ya Know What?

26. Comment by Big City Dad | February 9th, 2010

    Wow. Talk about a can of worms. I’m scared to comment. Good luck Dave…
    Big City Dad´s last blog ..School Daze?

27. Comment by dadshouse | February 9th, 2010

    T – you nailed it. We can’t help who we fall for. Even when we fall for the “wrong” person, and all our friends tell us that, the “wrong” person might be exactly who we need to be with right now in order for us to evolve. Either way, it just is. Well put.

    kmn – yep, I’m frustrated. More from the women I’m NOT meeting that the women I meet. There are countless single women in San Francisco who won’t even consider a guy like me just because I live outside of the City limits. They think I’m in Siberia. And I won’t consider them since I’m involved in my kids’ lives down here in Silicon Valley. (Some women strike me for being a dad, but there are plenty who don’t mind that I have kids.)

    Sandra – great points. And know that I do meet women who aren’t ruled by their BFFs and don’t have mile long lists. I’m just not meeting enough good women lately to buoy my hopes.

    Kellogsville – nice post!

    Single Mom in NE – you rock! That’s a brilliant plan. Glad it worked.

    Travis – I agree if it’s a daily expectation, then yeah, it’s polite to call. But I’d rather interact from the heart than from rote expectation. Spontaneity is a wonderful thing.

    Big City Dad – when life gives you a can of worms, go fishing!

28. Comment by Elizabeth | February 9th, 2010

    Sweetie, what I want to know is why do you, or anyone else, care what Lori Gottlieb thinks? Isn’t she just a commercially successful version of the BFF?

    Why fall for her blarney (I’ve just read the article, and I’m not buying)?

    Having said that, I’m sure we’d all like to have written that book, and be the topic de jour on blogs across America. (grin) But that’s for commercial reasons, not because she knows any more than the rest of us, when we use our common sense.

    As for my girlfriend’s advice, I’d listen, look at their own histories, and try to figure out if it made sense to me.

    Boy, you sure did stir up a maelstrom here, Mott.
    Elizabeth´s last blog ..Miss 2 Independent

29. Comment by Vinomom | February 9th, 2010

    I guess the interesting thing to ME about this whole post is, that, yeah, we go to our BFF’s all the time for comfort, support and to bitch and moan. But for the most part we just want to talk! My BFF’s told me over and over to leave my Boyfriend – and they were right at that time. We are still together (as you know) and now things are good, but at the time I should have listened!

    But it’s not just me. None of us like eachother’s Boyfriends -one is now a fiancee – and we aren’t always quiet about it. One drinks too much, one has major trust issues and has been caught in several lies. But no matter what we tell our BFF’s it hasn’t made a difference. We still do whatever we want to do.

    I did turn off the comments on my last bitch and moan fest on my blog. But the main reason I did that was because I didn’t want to defend my BF over and over. I wanted to complain because thats how I felt at the moment. But what people read on my blog is only one sided – MY side – and I didn’t feel like explaining a hundred times that he IS a good guy.

    Now as if this comment weren’t long enough, in regards to that book I am seeing it EVERYWHERE in blog world. I haven’t read it. But judging by the title I get where it’s going. I believe a lot of women move on the minute the “thrill” is gone and the passion is over. If that is called settling, so be it. I call it reality. If you are going to leave because you don’t get butterflies in your stomach when you kiss anymore you are in for a world of disappointment.
    Vinomom´s last blog ..One for the Record Books

30. Comment by BigLittleWolf | February 9th, 2010

    Very entertaining! But, um… nothing like the women I know. Maybe because they’re grownups? :)
    BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Boost your brain (with pleasure)

31. Comment by Lance | February 9th, 2010

    Haven’t read Lori’s book, so can’t comment on it. I did read EMK’s book review, which I thought was fair, and the book itself seems less controversial than her famous article, but again I can’t compare.

    I can honestly say that of all my gf’s, I’ve never been really shit talked behind my back unless I deserved it or it was actually valid. When my gf’s are good, the friends give nothing but accolades, when they are mismatched, it’s all shit talk.

    I will tell you one thing I do that’s bad karma for sure. I’ll go out with a chick and genuinely have a good thing going with her and treat her awesomely. But I’ll shit talk her to my closest guy friends…never about nitpicky stuff, but about something I think is important, such as lousy sex. I’m in this current situation now and it’s absolutely killing. My gf is lousy in the sack and I bitch about it to 2-3 of my boyz. I’m probably going to hell for it.
    Lance´s last blog ..Spanking for Beginners (Guest Post)

32. Comment by Danielle | February 9th, 2010

    I apparently don’t make choosing a man very complicated. My history has been, do I find him sexually attractive? Date him. Hence, my relationship issues. However, after the demise of my marriage which I also got into because of this one question, and my daughter being born, I am looking toward myself instead of towards a relationship which hopefully will start to fix the issues. I need to get a checklist for myself and then use it the next time I choose a mate.
    I must admit that I scrutinize men a lot. I question every little thing that they say or do. This also is a refection of myself, my insecurities and my lack of self value. So I may be the girl that gave your theory relevancy. Please understand though that this comes from non health and these woman shouldn’t be dating anyone. They/I should be trying to find value in myself. Because as you put it so well, Happiness comes from within. If you attach your happiness to what someone does for you, or says to you, or gives to you – you are setting your relationship up for failure. I couldn’t agree with any one statement more.
    David, healthy women will not do the things that you are talking about. Healthy women will talk to their BFF’s and yet make decisions on the man, relationship and the mans actions, not what the BFF tells them to do. A healthy women knows that their man is not perfect and knows not to cloud the waters with bad comments about him to anyone. A healthy friend will listen and support. Nothing else.
    Men and women are different, we think differently. There will always be miscommunications between us. It is about the individual person realizing their part in everything, evaluating it, talking about it and deciding if it is something that they can do.

    Everything that you have talked about in this post speaks to the unhealthy person that needs to look inward (like me). You may need to look inward to see why you attract this kind of women or vice versa.

    Good controversial and relevant post!
    Danielle´s last blog ..Opening my eyes for a change.

33. Comment by dadshouse | February 9th, 2010

    Danielle – great comment. I don’t see you as unhealthy, at all. You are self aware, and that is very healthy. Self awareness doesn’t mean perfection – it means we are aware of the choices we make, and seek to understand why we make them so that we can evolve and make better ones in the future. I think that’s as healthy as anyone can be.

34. Comment by Honey | February 9th, 2010

    This concept is interesting to me – I remember that when I started dating Jake I decided that I would never vent my frustration about him to my girlfriends because (as one commenter said) then that’s all they remember and they encourage you to break up with him ever after, without weighing in all the good that is there. I trust that if it’s not working, I can figure that out for myself and end it. And maybe vent afterwards:-)

    Also, if you’re dating the right guy, OF COURSE your friends are going to like him – presumably you’re dating him because you have a ton in common. But also if you’re dating the right guy, you don’t care what your friends think (as in my example above). So there’s two reasons it’s not a big deal.

    I will also say that I used to be that girl who had a crazy list of criteria that only the smallest percentage of people could ever fit into. I got lucky and found someone who met all those criteria – but if I found myself single again, I’d have a much lower bar, because you know what? I thought that if I was with someone who met all those criteria I wouldn’t have to compromise as much, but it turns out YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE EVERY DAY NO MATTER WHAT. (Not about the big things, but everything from what time to be home to what to watch on TV to what to eat for dinner.) And in the end, since that’s necessary to have a successful relationship, you start to realize that compromise isn’t so scary and that you could do a lot more of it if you had to (and would probably be just as happy).
    Honey´s last blog ..Spanking for Beginners (Guest Post)

35. Comment by Ginger Magnolia | February 9th, 2010

    I’m going to have to come back to read all these comments later, but here’s mine…

    I don’t often talk about relationship stuff with anyone but my absolute closest friend, and even she only gets part of the story, this is after I’ve already worked through whatever it is on my own and come to my own conclusion. In the past (i.e. when I first started dating after the divorce), I would run to a different friend with every little problem or happiness in a relationship. It wasn’t until I was trying to decide between two men I was dating that I realized her idea of what a good man and mine were different. She told me to pick the man who had his own house/better income over the one I really clicked more with. After that, she hasn’t gotten too much information out of me regarding my love life. In short, I don’t let my friends make dating decisions for me. The reason I share with my one closest friend is that she remains objective and doesn’t try to influence me. I share what I’m comfortable with, and they can tell when I’m happy and well taken care of. ;)
    Ginger Magnolia´s last blog ..Totally Music Tuesday

36. Comment by notasoccermom | February 9th, 2010

    wow- I am late to the game. what a controversial topic.
    I think that we all value others opinions and women seem to be more concerned what ‘others’ think than most men.
    When we are young, love is magical, as we get older we get a little more skeptical about love.
    If we have been hurt once or more… we get more cautious.
    The older we get, the more confident we are in ourselves and it could be a reason for the picky-ness.

    All we can hope for is to find the one looking for what we have to offer who also has what we hope to find in a partner.
    I wish you all love!
    notasoccermom´s last blog ..Super Sunday

37. Comment by batticus | February 13th, 2010

    Just finished the book (picked it up yesterday and literally couldn’t put it down, a very engaging book!) and I have to say it deserves all the praise it is getting. The title is a bit of a misnomer, the book covers a lot of territory and is a useful read for both men and women. As a divorced dad, I found the book chock full of insight every few pages and the “Monday with EMK” chapters are a good primer on the mature dating landscape. What more can I say, buy or borrow the book and read it!

38. Comment by Kelly | February 14th, 2010

    So very interesting! I read the blog, then all of the posts – as I did, I mentally tagged all of these really great points that I felt obligated (as a woman of the species) :) to share…and if I may say, each and every one was brilliant! However, I found that as I continued to read that most of my points were either made for me or refuted and therefore mentally recanted. So, as we’ll do, I analyzed and further analyzed, called a few bff’s to discuss (just kidding) and eventually decided to share this one simple thought: It is all a state of mind. It’s yours and yours alone, whether you a man or a woman, you get to decide — “Am I happy and fulfilled by this relationship?”. I love and will always cherish my girlfriends AND guyfriends. I am old enough to have weeded out the great from the not-so-great ones. They want me to be happy – that is all. Sorry to disappoint anyone who so wants to believe that all women are catty list makers (don’t get me wrong, I love a good list…for groceries!). If the relationship is worthwhile and you are compatible…you will decide to stay in it. It is all a state of mind!

39. Comment by Kelly | February 14th, 2010

    Oh, and one more little note…Dad’s House…your blog is essentially your version of the “bounce it off your BFFs”! You could certainly argue that we, your readers, are just a random group of people who will share their thoughts about your thoughts but this forum is very, very similar to women talking to their girlfriends. I mean no offense by this comparison, just something to consider. I know that I go through every aspect of my life with the insight of others. I know that I’m better for hearing other opinions than not – whatever the topic.

40. Comment by dadshouse | February 14th, 2010

    Kelly – I agree with your first comment. Asking if you’re “happy and fulfilled” is a great question, as long as the answer isn’t predicated on a sense of entitlement without reciprocation.

    As for your second comment, interesting point. I know there are some bloggers who bounce ideas off their readers and ask for advice like they are BFFs, but I don’t do that. My opinions are fairly well formed when I pen a post. I do enjoy seeing readers debate and wrestle with issues, but I’m not looking for BFF guidance. Unless someone makes a VERY compelling argument against what I wrote. (Did I just drop a guantlet? Ha.)

41. Comment by Kelly | February 15th, 2010

    Dear Dad,

    In the relationship that I want — there is never a sense of entitlement without reciprocation. Moreover, I “do” because I want to “do” without ANY premeditated wish for reciprocation at all and likewise, I don’t feel indebted for every kindness offered me. In the ideal scenario (yes, I will always aim high), each of us will offer the words, deeds and things that we can with the sole purpose of showing the other person that we care and want them to feel good.

    As for your denial of the bff forum…I’ll respect that. Your thoughts are indeed well-formed and communicated. I guess because I am a fan and appreciate reading your posts and the onslought of comments that follow, I assumed that we were more alike than different. (I won’t bail on you for because of this one little thing…) You’ll have to forgive my minor disappointment in learning that your opinions are not subject to change with the new insight offered by others. I have very solid opinions too…but if someone offers a compelling argument that Pluto should no longer be classified as a planet…um…er… :)

42. Comment by dadshouse | February 15th, 2010

    Kelly – I definitely glean insights from reading comments. I’m a very different man now than when I started blogging two years ago, and that’s mostly due to me getting daily feedback from the female readers of this blog.

    I just meant I don’t pen a post looking for advice or support. I pen a post to put my opinion out there, and since it’s a public forum, I am only comfortable doing that if I can back up my views. Perspective is everything. And my perspective does shift as I listen to commentators’ views.

    Case in point, when my teen daughter started dating, I didn’t meet her boyfriend for a long time. I didn’t see that as a problem, but readers suggested I should meet him to let her know I cared. Others said to meet him to let HIM know that who she dated mattered to me. I changed my view, met him, and was glad I did. (He was a great guy) http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/02/03/my-teen-daughter-is-dating/

43. Comment by Paula | May 17th, 2010

    After having read your post about the blogger who claimed all divorced dads were womanizers, yada, yada, yada, and how unfair it was, I’m surprised ( to say the least! ) to see you proclaim in print ( bold move, sir! ) that women are basically jealous harpies bent on ruining any potential relationship their friends may have a shot at, despite your disclaimer at the beginning of the article. It also makes it seem as though you don’t believe that these women can think for themselves ( I’m sure you don’t!). I stopped using a panel of judges to choose my dates when I graduated from high school, and I can say for sure that all the women I know did as well. Give us a little more credit!

44. Comment by dadshouse | May 17th, 2010

    Paula – Lori Gottlieb’s book talked about women who analyze men via a panel. Reading her book scared me, because I have run into some women like that, and I did qualify those women in this post by saying “some” (I even bolded it). Feel free to lump your self into the “most” category of women who aren’t that way, and there’s the credit you crave.

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