Dad's House » bar scene

Funny Pick Up Lines – This One Rocks

dadshouse — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 11:33:35 +0000

I’ve heard some funny pick up lines in my day, but this past Friday night I heard the funniest pick up line yet. It was only one word, but it had us laughing our asses off all weekend.

I was at a writers conference finding my muse, and we spent the day Friday critiquing each other’s novel pitches and story arcs, as well as discussing prose written by famous authors.

It was intense, and after a long day, we all needed a drink.

By the time I hit the bar, Happy Hour was in full force. At first, I was chatting with folks at the bar, but there was a table full of women who were having way too much fun. I wanted to party with them. As soon as I got my martini, I went over.

I didn’t use any funny pick up lines, though I did say something funny when I joined them. (They laughed.) They were conference attendees, most of them married moms. In no time, we were laughing and drinking and partying our asses off. We were definitely putting the Happy in Happy Hour.

Other guys in the bar weren’t dumb, and came over too. Pretty soon, one guy was standing right next to me, cradling a beer, looking at the women. He was tall, wearing a track suit, looking a little out of place. I didn’t recognize him from the writing day.

“Are you part of the conference?” I asked.
He responded with one word: “Absolutely.”

Oh my god, if ever there was a smooth operator trying to worm his way into a table full of women having fun (like I had already wormed my way in), this guy was it! I didn’t believe for one minute that he was part of the conference. I joked with one of the moms that as funny pick up lines go, his was the best. We almost asked him what his novel was about, but we figured he’d just start making stuff up, and we’d heard enough pitches for one day. We wanted to drink. He hung around for a while, then left.

The next morning, we saw him again! He was walking around the hotel lobby with a piece of paper that had a novel pitch on it. This guy was too much! We wondered if he stayed up late writing it. We joked that he would do anything to keep the party going with us.

“Watch, he’s not a writer, and he’s the one person who will get a book deal,” my friend joked.
“He’s like Forrest Gump,” I said.

Wouldn’t you know, the guy followed us into the conference room!

At this point, we sort of figured he actually was with the conference, and we simply hadn’t realized it before. More fun for us, though – we kept joking that he was just some guy using funny pick up lines to meet women.

“Are you part of the coaches conference? Accountants conference? Dairy producers conference?”

“Absolutely!”

Finally, he got up to give his pitch. His novel was complex, with foreign-sounding names, a bit hard to follow. It sounded interesting, but the workshop leader suggested it might be hard to sell.

The guy wasn’t about to take ‘no’ so easily. He launched into an impassioned speech about why this was such an important work for him to create, and for the world to read. And wouldn’t you know, we were truly moved. The room exploded in applause. Bravo! I hope he gets that book deal.

The inspiration didn’t stop there. Next time I need any funny pick up lines, I’m going to try his one word approach that had us laughing all weekend.

Absolutely.

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Hungry For You

dadshouse — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 11:33:40 +0000

A buddy and I went to dinner in Palo Alto, and afterwards went looking for a place to drink. Of course, this being Palo Alto, that meant we could have swilled beer with college kids, drank cocktails at an empty bar of an upscale Indian place, or paid through the nose at a happening wine bar.

Alas, we went the vino route.

Yes, this is the wine bar where I’ve met lonely housewives, and husbands wanting to watch. It’s a crazy f***ing place. Too much money. Too many unhappy people. Too dimly lit (I can’t read the menu!) But what’s a middle-aged guy to do when he wants to have a drink and chat with a friend? (That beer-swilling college bar is looking better by the moment! Older men younger women relationships come about for a reason!)

We sidled up to the bar next to a couple of attractive (married) middle-aged women who were paying their check and about to leave. To our left were two middle-aged men drinking wine and chatting up a young blonde hottie. I guessed she was 26, at most.

The blonde was standing next to an empty barstool. “Do you want this seat?” I asked, ever the gentleman.
“No,” she said. Then she turned back to the two men.

Fine, they had a little tête-à-tête going on. The men clearly saw her as sport. And for all I knew, she saw them as sport, as well. She was holding her own well enough.

We ordered our wine and were chewing the fat when all of a sudden, the blonde turns to me and says, “You smell like dinner.”

WTF? I hadn’t eaten garlic or anything stinky like that. And I actually think the wine bar kitchen was heating up some hummus at the time. “You sure it’s me?” I asked.

“Yes, I can smell it on your clothing.”
“Sorry about that,” I said.
“No, it smells good.”

I looked over at the two middle-aged men who’d been hitting on her. They were still sitting there, still in the game. But one of them looked at me and made eyes to suggest that this blonde woman was a little off, and he didn’t care. i.e. he welcomed me to the nutso game of chasing her. He and I both knew we were too old to be hitting on her, but she seemed more than happy to play a wide-open field. More power to her. And us.

“Did you eat dinner tonight?” I asked.
“No,” she said.
“Are you hungry?”
“Very. And you smell good.”

Doh!

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Funny Pick Up Lines – This One Rocks

Age is Killing My Eyes (Humor)

dadshouse — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:02:08 +0000

Like any Hot Dad, as I get older, body parts are starting to go.

Thankfully, no gray hairs…

no wrinkles… (okay, not many)

no spare tire… (hey, I cycle and run!)

But my eye sight? Oy!

Head over to the Hot Dads Blog for a funny look at my vision as I’m out mingling with singles in wine bars.

A Hot Dad’s Failing Vision – Humor

(If that preprogrammed link doesn’t work, head straight to Hot Dads Blog.)

Then come back and disrobe for an eye exam. (If you saw Movie Movie, you’ll get that joke)

Harray Caray billboard photo by David Paul Ohmer, some rights reserved.

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The Bars Were Packed!

dadshouse — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 11:33:37 +0000

The night before Thanksgiving is notoriously a great night to hit the bars. People head out for drinks with old friends, before sitting at home all the next day drinking (and eating turkey!) with family. A buddy and I went out that night for drinks at a local wine bar.

Normally, I’d prefer having cocktails at a restaurant bar. For whatever reason, I have better success meeting single women that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I do meet women at the wine bar – it’s just that they are the lonely housewives looking for affairs, depressed women contemplating divorce, cold as ice beeyatches, and gold-digging women looking for a new wallet. Yeah, it’s a strange place.

But all the restaurant bars were weirdly empty. And my buddy loves vino, so I figured the wine bar was it.

When we got there, we noticed the sports bar across the street had a velvet-rope line of well-dressed people stretching down the block. That’s right – a sports bar, with TVs on every wall and cheap beer on tap. I thought lines like that were reserved for clubbing.

A limo pulled up, and half a dozen leggy blondes got out and headed for the sports bar. One had a tiara with the number 23. Birthday party! And half my age.

We headed into the wine bar, which was packed, too – with young 20s, and older 40s and 50 year olds. Where was the young-40 and 30-something crowd?

I chatted up two women who looked 23 (there really was no one my age to talk to). One was flirty and fun, and the other gave us the cold shoulder. We asked what was up with the long line at the sports bar across the street.

“All the kids who went to high school around here think that’s the cool place to hang out,” the flirty one said.
“How come you’re not over there?” I asked. “Or did you go to high school someplace else?”
“We went to high school here. But we graduated years ago!”

Oops! My bad for thinking these two women were only 23.

Clearly, they were 24!

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She Smiled, We Met

dadshouse — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 10:03:08 +0000

Hey, I met a woman last week! Actually, it’s better than that – I met an attractive energetic single mom. In a bar! Very cool. So, how did this come about?

She smiled.

Here’s the scene: my buddy and I were in a wine bar. There were women everywhere (weird for a weeknight in Palo Alto, but I won’t complain.) Women would strut into the bar in twos and threes looking sexy and confident. I’d try to exchange glances with ones who caught my eye, but they were too busy turning guys’ heads, then acting like none of it meant anything. They’d share a throaty laugh with their girlfriends, drink some wine, get hit on by some tipsy gray-haired guy sitting next to them at the bar, then leave.

Granted, maybe none of these women wanted to meet any men. Or maybe they’re just used to clubbing, where guys approach them like wolves, whether they smile or not. But this was no meat market, it was a wine bar with a more reserved clientele. (That doesn’t mean we’re boring.)

But one woman stood out. She came in and flashed a wide grin, making eye contact. Talk about inviting. As it turned out she was meeting a guy, but it became clear soon enough that they were just friends. More smiles and eye contact later, and my buddy and I started chatting with her.

(Full disclosure: she and her friend were moving from a bar table to a couch, and when she passed by our table, she smiled again, and offered us a cracker from the basket she was carrying. If you were following my late-night Dad’s House Twitter feed, you already know about her Freudian slip.)

I can’t tell you how many times I come across a woman who catches my eye – on the street, in the market, in a coffee house or a bar – and I’ll smile at her, but rather than smile back or make eye contact, she’ll look away with casual indifference.

Is it a game for some women? They do this looking away trick a lot. It’s like they’re trying to avoid eye contact. I’m pretty sure it’s not me – I’m handsome enough, and I’ve seen enough women do this trick with other guys. Let me just say, it makes it a lot harder to say “hi” when a woman is looking away.

My buddy and I chatted Smiling Woman right up. Her friend came over, and the four of us engaged in conversation. By the end of the night, Smiling Woman and I swapped numbers. Since then, we’ve talked on the phone and met up.

Will we be single parent friends? Weekend activity partners? Drinking buddies? Lovers on call? A couple who dates? Who knows. It’s way too early to tell. I’m going into this with no agenda. I’m just glad I met someone so friendly, energetic, attractive, and nice.

I love when a woman smiles.

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Hot Date, Cold Approach

dadshouse — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 11:33:02 +0000

I was recently in Palo Alto by myself on a weeknight, looking to hit the bar of a nice restaurant for a cocktail. For a divorced single dad like me, at my life stage, it’s a better atmosphere for chatting up a stranger than a sports bar or club.

But on this particular night, my usual spots were dead, and I criss-crossed town looking for a better option.

When all of a sudden, I saw her.

Across the street was a brown-haired woman in a long black wool trench coat, black pants and heels. She was tall, fit, with an athletic gait. (My x-ray vision sees all.) She completely turned my head. I can’t explain it. It’s one of those in-person things that’s individually unique. Attraction is strongest when it’s simply felt.

I decided on the spot – wherever this woman went, I would go, too. Wine bar? I’d chat her up over Pinot. Dive bar? A watered down g-and-t would hit the spot. Pub? Let’s just say I’m a Guinness man.

She walked two blocks, with me trailing her. Don’t worry, I wasn’t being all creepy stalker-like. I merely headed her same direction, at her same pace.

She ended up in the Peninsula Creamery.

For the uninitiated, the Creamery is an old-fashioned burger joint with shakes and malts and fries. If she sat in a booth, my tailing-her days were over. But wouldn’t you know, just my luck, she sat at the counter!

Dad’s House tip for singles everywhere: when you dine alone, sit at the counter or bar. It’s totally normal for other singles to sit nearby and strike up a conversation.

I sat two barstools away. She ordered a sundae, and I ordered a coke.

At this point, it’s important for a man to say something – anything – to start a conversation. I noticed she was reading the LA Times, which most Silicon Valley people don’t read, so I asked her,

“You from LA?”
She looked over, and said, “Is it that obvious?”
“Your paper,” I said.

From there, we were off to the races. I asked her questions, got to know her. She was in management consulting, working with a Valley firm. She played rec-league co-ed softball back in LA. She loves the beach. She’d been in Palo Alto for a few days, and this was her last night in town. She expected she’d be returning in a few weeks.

I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, and she said yes.

We headed over to a posh Indian lounge, and shared exotic cocktails, and talked some more. We were really getting along. I told her I was a dad. (I’m not a big fan of getting married on the first date, but I do tend to put my parenting-self out there. Then I can talk unfiltered about my kids.) She said she admired that. She was itching to settle down and become a mom.

We moved the party to a British Pub, and ordered Newcastle pints. (Guinness seemed a little heavy at that point.)

Mid-drink, I realized I had a choice to make.

Try to sleep with her tonight
Try to see her next time she came to town
Do nothing, and simply be happy and grateful for her company this one night

Of course, she had to make this same choice, too.

Door number one was most tempting. We were both attracted to each other. And while first-date sex is a terrible way to start a relationship, for a business traveler or a single parent sleeping solo way too much, it can happen.

Door number two was the conservative, nice guy approach. Believe me, if she lived in the Bay Area, it’s the one I’d recommend. But she lived in LA. Who knew when she’d be up here again? Besides, exchanging numbers and good intentions with someone who lived a plane flight away rarely panned out. There’s too much time to contemplate the future. Even if a long-distance relationship was do-able, at some point someone needs to move. And as a single dad involved in his kids’s lives, it won’t be me.

Door number three wasn’t even worth considering. If there’s attraction, I tend to want more.

And here’s the thing. I actually think she was up for a one-night stand. But I wanted to see her again. I opted for door number two. We swapped phone numbers, and shared a hug and a peck at the end of the night.

I called her twice since, leaving voicemail both times. She never called back.

If I had it to do over again, I’d choose door number one.

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Football Playoffs Go Great With Beer

dadshouse — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:47:57 +0000

My buddy and I caught the Ravens-Steelers playoff game in a bar. I know, I know, I blogged at New Years that my football flame had died out. But as a single parent with half-time custody, and way too much alone time, I’ve learned to accept every invitation I can that comes my way. So when my buddy suggested beer, pub food, and the game on twenty TVs, I said sure! (so much for flat abs…)

Only problem – he wanted to hit a sports bar frequented by Stanford students and grads.

Ugh. I’m too old for that. We’re both in our forties, so he’s too old for it, too. The difference? I have a daughter who will be going to college in just over a year. I can already picture her hanging out in places like this. (And I don’t want her in a place frequented by middle aged men!)

We wandered around to a few other bars, but the sports bar really was the place to be. So, I sucked it up, and we went on in.

Just as I pictured, young people everywhere. Tons of women, too (a good thing). But as we ordered our beers, I noticed something else. Only half the crowd was too young for me. The rest was right in my league. (Now, now. Dad’s House readers will wonder how many hot bus girls there were. I’m talking about women in their 30s and 40s! And they weren’t even lonely housewives.) Just shows you can’t judge a sports bar by it’s cover.

We elbowed our way onto one of the long tables. A couple of women nearby were very happy to have us join in. With a football vibe, it wasn’t hard to start up conversations. I also exchanged some flirty text messages with some female friends who couldn’t come out. (No discreet affairs going on, they’re just good friends.) One of the texting women was a single mom who had her kid this weekend. The curse of conflicting custody schedules.

To make a long story short – we drank plenty of beer, we ate plenty of sketchy food, we chatted with plenty of nice women, and we had a plenty good time.

When’s that Super Bowl thing?

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