Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity

Let me just say, the book was riveting.

Loose Girl tells how, growing up, Cohen used the power of her body through sex to get attention from men. She’s the child of divorce, at first raised by her single mom, then by her single dad. Motivated by a desire to stand out, and desperately wanting to be loved, but unsure how to get either, she reaches for sex.

The book chronicles hookup after hookup, from her teen years through her twenties. Cohen writes with deep poignancy and shocking candor about experiences many would shy from even thinking about. With an MFA in creative writing and an MA in psychology, she brings self-awareness and insight to the telling of her story. It’s clear she’s confused and directionless as she is making choices and going through acts, but by explaining the psychological motivations for her hookups, she made me feel compassion for her mistakes. Over the course of the story, she shows a lot of growth, and the hookups don’t feel redundant.

Upon noticing a new boy, she writes, almost immediately I can feel the energy between us, the promise of something to come. She seduces him at a party, and they end up in bed. After having sex, We glance at each other shyly, trying to come up with things to say. There’s no way to get around the weirdness. Sure we shared bodily fluids, our most intimate places. But we’ve barely exchanged anything else.

Loose Girl

At another point, she writes about the bar scene hookup culture: I want a boyfriend, but if I can’t have that, I’ll take this stand-in. It’s satisfying somehow – the hopeful waiting, the flirtatious exchange, and then the rapt, sudden sexual attention. I begin to enjoy the immediacy of gratification. I still feel let down later when it is over and I am left alone, but this doesn’t keep me from going back for more.

Reading Loose Girl helped me be more aware of my own actions when I have coffee dates that turn into booty calls. It made me question my own motivations for sometimes choosing casual encounters rather than seeking real and lasting intimacy. (I’m still working that!)

It also made me feel validated as a parent, especially for the positive attention I give my daughter. My parenting style is very different than that of Cohen’s father. I feel I’m raising my daughter in a way that she won’t be so starved and desperate for male energy to the point that she’ll make the same sort of mistakes Cohen made.

Any parent with a teenager, or anyone on the modern dating scene, would do well to pick up this book.

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Here are the top self-help and spiritual books that helped me get on with life after divorce and enter into healthy relationships.

Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci, PhD. This helped me get past the pain of separation to create a healthy co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife, and showed how to lay the foundations for successful two-home parenting, including setting limits and respecting roles. (The title inspired my blog’s name.)

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. Codependency is often associated with alcoholism, which isn’t a factor with me or my ex. But codependency is a common problem in any emotionally addictive relationship. Failure to get past power struggles is a major reason many relationships fail. If the struggle is rooted in codependency, it takes awareness and strength to break free.

The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. This book of Dalai Lama wisdom is different than the rest – it was co-written by a western psychologist. Eastern philosophies get explained in the context of American culture, which makes it a great introduction to Buddhism. The Dalai Lama says the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through compassion. For me, embracing this spiritual view of life has helped my relationships immensely.

Anatomy of the Spirit, by Caroline Myss, PhD. When painful emotions and psychological problems are not dealt with properly, they manifest as dis-ease in the body. This book helps you understand physical pain in a spiritual sense. It offers a nice introduction to the chakras, comparing them to Christian doctrines and the Kabbalah’s Tree of Life. (If nothing else, understanding the chakras can later help in your exploration of tantric sex. What’s not to like about that?)

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle. I lied – I didn’t read this during my divorce. I read his other book, The Power of Now. But I penned a review of A New Earth, so feel compelled to plug it again.

I’ve read tons more to help me heal after divorce including the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao, and books by authors like Thomas Moore, Rumi, Krishnamurti, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ken Wilber, Gary Zukav. And I listen to Tool; their lyrics are based on Jungian psychology and spirituality. I’m happy to discuss any of these in email, just send me a note.

The best divorce advice books are whatever resonate with you!

And now for some gratuitous video: the ending to Tool’s Parabola with swirling kundalini energy rising through the chakras and opening the third eye:

The song in its blissful ten minute entirety is Tool Parabola youtube video.

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A New Earth is Tolle’s follow-up to The Power of Now. His essential premise is that the ego-based thinking most people do – you know, the part of you that wants this, hates that, needs something else to happen before you’ll be happy – is a dysfunctional way to live. Rather than dwelling on past and future events and resisting the present moment, you’ll best find peace and happiness through living in the now, the current moment. Being present.

What on earth does this have to do with parenting and dating? A lot.

If you’re pissed off about your circumstance – being a single parent, being divorced, lacking a relationship, enduring online dating, lacking booty, lacking intimacy, having a sexy moment interrupted by kids, feeling your opinions attacked, whatever it is – and you’re wanting, craving, lashing out, demanding change, then you’re stuck in thought and missing out on the simple joy of Being.

As Tolle writes, The joy of Being, which is the only true happiness, cannot come to you through any form, possession, achievement, person, or event – through anything that happens. That joy cannot come to you – ever. It emanates from the formless dimension within you, from consciousness itself and thus is one with who you are.

This doesn’t mean your situation won’t or can’t get better. It just means for right now, life is what it is. You exist. Why not enjoy it? Stop minding so much.

There are tons of books on learning to live a heartfelt life. What I like about A New Earth is Tolle’s mix of philosophy and straight-forward advice. For instance, he suggests when a parent is with a child, if the parent can be alert, still, completely present, not wanting anything other than that moment as it is – then you make room for Being. You stop being a father or mother, and you become Presence, beyond form, the timeless I Am. When the basis for your actions is inner alignment with the present moment, your actions become empowered by the intelligence of Life itself. Applied here, it sounds like a prescription for getting along with and loving your kids.

These concepts may be heady stuff for anyone who hasn’t delved into spirituality, especially Eastern modes of thought. But Tolle breaks it down further, suggesting there are three modes to help you enter life through the present moment, and align your life with the creative power of the universe.

• Acceptance – accept life as it is. Don’t assign blame. This doesn’t mean things can’t or won’t change for the better. It simply encourages a stillness to emerge. That peace is consciousness. Consciousness is your own responsibility, and it’s the first step toward self awareness.
• Enjoyment – enjoy what you’re doing. Don’t wait for something joyful to happen. You don’t need an event to occur. Joy is an aspect of Being. Infuse your activities with joy. It comes from within you. Allow yourself to feel that deep sense of aliveness.
• Enthusiasm – this is joy directed toward a goal. You’ll feel intensity and energy behind what you do. That’s the universal spirit. If the goal becomes more important than enjoying what you are doing, you’ll feel stress.

Things, emotions, thoughts, struggles – these come into our lives, seem all-important for a time, then disappear, dissolving back into the nothing-ness from which they arose. Resistance is futile and leads to intense unhappiness. Non-resistence brings freedom.

So – got a pile of dishes to do and no spouse to do it for you? Don’t bemoan your lack of a partner, or the present mess. Accept that you’re on your own right now. Enjoy the act of creating a clean and healthy environment for you and your kids.

Friday night and no date? Embrace it. Pay attention to sites, smells, sounds around you. Maybe you’ll read a good book, hit a coffee house, have fun at a bar, meet someone new at the supermarket. You won’t do any of those if you’re sulking, angry at the past, wanting a different future.

Cranky kids got you down? Acknowledge they are young, immature, childish. Be happy and grateful they are exploring their lives and surroundings, discovering their feelings, dealing with emotions, whatever it is. They are living. You are present.

I can’t possibly boil down Tolle’s book into a single blog post, but hopefully I’ve given a fair overview. It’s definitely a good read. And on that note, it’s time to get off my new-age soap box. Dad’s House will now return to non-Oprah programming.

(Is texting an ex for booty okay if it’s done with joy and enthusiasm?)

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
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• Tantric Sex (Dad’s House post on Silicon Valley Moms Blog)
• Play the Game of Life
• Couples Tantric Breathing Exercise
• Trading a Can of Whoop-Ass for Compassion
• Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice