Dad's House » dating

IM Chat With an Ex Lover

dadshouse — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:49:56 +0000

I logged into Yahoo IM the other day and noticed an ex-lover online. Yeah, I still had her in my friend list. She must have had me in her IM friend list, too, because she promptly sent me an instant message.

God I’m horny! What are you doing right now? she wrote.

I had very fond memories of our FWB time together. But that was two years ago. And she’s no longer in the Bay Area, where I live. So what the hell did she expect me to do?

Talk dirty to me! she wrote.

Me being me, and maybe me wanting some sexy blog fodder, I asked her if the dirty messaging would lead to us actually getting it on in person.

Are you kidding me? YES!!! If you turn me on!!! she wrote.

The gauntlet was dropped. Of course,she lives hundreds of miles from me, and it’s been years since we’ve seen each other. But we’d had fun together, and the thought of rekindling old times was intriguing, if only virtually. Besides, maybe she’d actually road trip up my direction, or invite me down to her.

I IM’d something sexy and raunchy and fun.

(I’m sure Dad’s House readers are dying to know exactly what I wrote. To which I say, ha! How can I remember something dirty and sexy and flirty while my kids are in the other room watching TV? Rest assured, whatever I wrote got her attention.)

What was the best part about shagging me? she wrote. (Only, she didn’t exactly say shagging. Feel free to drop the F-bomb in your mind while I keep this blog post PG13)

I told her – I liked it when we … on the… in the… under the… . (Trust me, it was hot. Not only the sexy moment, but what I wrote.)

God, I remember that! she wrote. Keep going!!!!! I’m HORNY!!!

I kept going, reminding her about doing it on the couch, on the floor, in the backyard. We were chatting, reminiscing old times, raising the heat.

Stop! she wrote.
Are we going to do it in person? I wrote.
No. Been there done that.

Huh? Of course she’d been there and done that. So had I. Two years before. But she’s the one who started this chat. And she’s the one who said we might hook up, for old time’s sake.

So, what do you want? I wrote.
Nothing. I’m sleeping with someone else these days.
Then why did you write?
I was HORNY! Now I’m not. Thanks.

Okay, then.

Have YIM, will travel, and always aim to please.

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Needing Attachment BEFORE the First Date

dadshouse — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 11:33:15 +0000

A woman and I recently started emailing through Craigslist personals on a Monday night. On her suggestion, we took the conversation to Yahoo IM. That was fine by me, YIM flirting is an entertaining way to get to know someone. We chatted a bit, made a plan to message some more later in the week, and signed off.

The next night was Tuesday, and we chatted again on YIM. She wanted to meet up right then and there, but I’m a divorced single parent and I had custody of my kids that night, and it was a school night, and it was already late. I told her I wanted to meet at some point, maybe on the weekend. We left things vague and agreed to IM again later in the week.

Some background: she was a nurse who worked long hours, and on Wednesday night she wouldn’t go online until midnight. I told her sometimes I’m up that late, and sometimes not, and she could feel free to try me.

Turns out that particular night I was in bed by eleven. Remember, we had not made a concrete plan to chat.

When I checked Thursday morning, I saw she’d messaged me the night before.

12:05am – hey, you there?
12:17am – I’m not going to wait around
12:20am – you’re bad. I am officially “done” with you

To which I say – Huh?

Since when do a few chat sessions lead to being an instant couple?

Granted, Craigslist dating is not for the faint of heart. I’m loathe to even call it dating. More like trolling for company, keeping an open mind and seeing how things go. (It used to be great, I swear.)

But for her to have a meltdown like that when we hadn’t even met – it befuddles me.

I sent a note explaining that I was asleep at midnight, and asked when she’d be online again.

She wrote back later in the day, said she was sorry she flipped out. She assumed I was dodging her. And since she doesn’t like herself when she flips out like that, she figured we shouldn’t date or even talk.

Okay, fine.

A week later, she sent me an instant message:

12:04am – you there?

I didn’t respond.

I wouldn’t have even blogged about this, since I figure this woman’s a little off her rocker. But there’s a similar scenario described in Lori Gottlieb’s book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. (The book interests me because I’m gleaning insights and confirming suspicions about women and dating.)

In the book, a woman “dumped” a guy before the first date when he didn’t promptly respond to her email. (They were a match.com couple, not craigslist, so you can’t blame the site.) She accused the guy of making her a lesser priority in his life. And they hadn’t even met!

Sounds like my midnight instant messaging RN was cut from the same cloth.

Are some people so insecure they need attachment before the first date?
Or are they so self-centered they feel the world revolves around them?
Or have virtual connections and “instant” messages made modern dating nuts?

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He’s Not Worthy! You Deserve Better!

dadshouse — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:30:44 +0000

I just finished reading the first several chapters of Lori Gottlieb’s book – Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I followed that up with some browsing in the single mom blogosphere.

Can I just say: Oy!

I knew women went about choosing men in a different way than men choose women. But to read it in print really scared me. (Lori Gottlieb’s book offers solutions in subsequent chapters. Can’t wait!)

Why do (some) women make choosing a man so complicated?

I will preface this post by saying I know I’m generalizing. I know I’m attributing behavior to most women when it may just be the authors I read, and the commentators I read, and the sources they quote, and my ex-girlfriends who acted this way too. (i.e. it seems pretty darn universal)

What I’ve taken home from this exercise: a woman can fall for a guy for whatever reason, and romance is always better than being practical. But sometimes she won’t fall for the “right” guy or the “good enough” guy because he doesn’t fit her mile long checkbox list describing her ideal mate.

Let’s say, though, that a woman allows herself to fall for a guy – then the fun begins. She scrutinizes him with the help of her girl friends.

“He didn’t smile at the waiter! What do you think that means?”
“He didn’t call me at lunch, and he always calls me! What does that mean?”
“He yelled at a puppy who crapped on his best shoes. What does that mean?”

At some point, the girl friends reach a tipping point and start giving responses like this:

“You deserve better than him.”
“You shouldn’t settle.”
“He’s not worthy of your time.”

To which I say – WTF?

Since when do your girl friends have so much power over who you choose to date? Since when are they privy to every interaction with the guy? Since when have they walked in the shoes of either party in the relationship? Who are they to say anything? And why should you listen?

I’m not saying you have to date every poor bastard who comes along. But sometimes when you find a good one, your girl friend just doesn’t get it. Ignore her! (I know, I know, women talk about everything and often do things by collective. That can be a powerful thing. But I don’t get it when it comes to love.)

One of my girlfriends post-divorce had a BFF (I think that means Best Friend Forever, but really, I don’t speak girl-talk, so maybe I’m wrong.) The BFF pulled me aside early in my relationship with said girlfriend and told me: “David, you are really great for her. She is so happy. You are bringing positive things out in her. I’m really glad she’s dating you.”

One month later, when the girlfriend and I were spending so much time together that BFF was actually left to fend for herself on a Friday night (BFF was dateless), BFF started telling the girlfriend “I don’t like the way David does X. When he does Y it bothers you. And then there’s Z.”

Cue the chorus:

“You deserve better than him.”
“You shouldn’t settle.”
“He’s not worthy of your time.”

Um, can you say: BFF was jealous that she lost said girlfriend to a guy?

Then there’s the group of women who get their nails/hair/whatever done together, and talk up a storm. Here I will paraphrase an actual conversation one of my ex-girlfriends had with her friends: “My man gave me flowers.” “My man gave me diamond earrings.” “My man gave me a Lexus.”

WTF again! Is it all about the “stuff” you get?

Happiness comes from within. If you attach your happiness to what someone does for you, or says to you, or gives to you – you are setting your relationship up for failure. At some point, he’ll get busy or have a bad day. And he won’t do/say/give you that magical thing. Then what? Will you still be happy and in love? Or will you hit the eject button? I’ve come across a lot of women who admit to doing the latter. Or worse – have girl friends who tell them to dump him.

From my experience, guys don’t usually tell other guys who they should date. We ask questions like: “are you happy with her? Good.” That’s it! We don’t question what makes the guy happy, what she’s doing for him, what she’s giving him, what she’s saying to him. We simply ask whether he’s happy spending time with her. (And is she good in bed. But the answer is always yes.)

If you enjoy spending time with someone, then even when they’re not with you, you can remember that you enjoy spending time with them, and the magic is still there.

Maybe guys are wired differently, or maybe we’ve been programmed by society to expect less. We’re supposed to provide and protect, and what we get in return is kindness, warmth, and love. We really don’t need much more than that. (And yes, I’m referring to the stereotypical “we” that doesn’t really exist.)

Now then, if I’m worthy of a comment, leave one. And if not? Leave one anyway, and tell me how you really feel.

Meanwhile, I’ll get back to Lori Gottlieb’s book…

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French Women are Hot

dadshouse — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 11:33:23 +0000

I was recently in a financial services office where a gorgeous young woman was servicing me. (Now, now – just because my mind was in the gutter doesn’t mean yours needs to be, as well.)

She was sexy, pretty, early twenties. Dressed in the most fashionable business clothes that still looked professional (and I don’t mean the world’s oldest profession.) With alluring eyes and a killer smile.

Near the end of the servicing, the beautiful woman handed me her business card. Her name was unique. Persian?

“No,” she said. “I’m French.”

Just the way she said French was so damn hot. And her sultry look oozed sex appeal and confidence. I definitely felt my sexual energy rising.

I sensed it wasn’t just her. Rather, she was channeling the feminine energy of every French woman who came before. What is so damn sexy about French women? Big Little Wolf has waxed poetic on the sexiness of the French. With this particular woman, it was more than her looks and her sultry expression. Sexy is an attitude.

Of course, me being a single dad on high alert for my next girlfriend or fling (whichever comes easiest) – I wanted to ask her out on a date right then and there. But I’m mid-40s, and she’s early-20s, so the half-my-age-plus-seven math for an older man younger woman relationship didn’t quite work out.

I went back to the financial services company a week later, and was thrilled to see this hot sexy French woman was free when I came in. She serviced me again.

This time, she upped the eye contact to bedroom levels, almost daring me to make love to her right there on her desk.

Damn French.

I know, I might be projecting all of this. But trust me, as much as I love latina women, I don’t fill with lust and lose my ability to speak when I’m in their presence. I go for the kill.

This sexy French woman? She slew me.

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Sexy Hookups Make Blogging More Fun

dadshouse — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 11:34:31 +0000

Sexy funny blog posts have ruined my dating life.

And serious dating has taken the sexy fun out of my blog.

What’s a blogging single dad to do if he’s trying to seriously date? Can dates and hookups and blog posts mix?

Head over to the Hot Dads Blog and hook up with me on the topic:

Sexy Hookups Make Blogging More Fun

Then come back, get undressed, and I’ll blog about the rest of our date.

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Craigslist Dating and Hot Tattoos

dadshouse — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 11:33:21 +0000

When a single dad is in between relationships and craving intimacy, there’s one quick fix – go on a date, flirt and raise the heat, and maybe you’ll end up in bed. Not the best way to start a long term relationship, but one-night-stands serve their purpose. Spooning skin to skin is a very good thing.

On Friday I turned to Craigslist, looking for a fun date. No, I didn’t write the sort of creepy Craigslist ad that Sandra loves to tear apart (go read one of her Craigslist personals translations. They are funny as heck.)

I simply posted to see if a woman wanted to meet for drinks and see where things led.

In no time, I got a response: I’m down with that. Pretty woman, nice figure. You’re over 40, right? What time do you want to meet?

Now, I’ve been around the Craigslist block enough times to know this person a) might be spam, b) might be a guy collecting photos to create a fake profile on a dating site, c) might be legitimate.

I sent a cagey reply, and she wrote right back, describing herself even more. 5’8, 132, 34c/24/35, dark hair, olive skin.

Huge red flag there – most women won’t give their measurements in email, no matter how good they are. More than that, this woman actually sounded like a friend-with-benefits I’d seen for a few months last fall. I emailed back that she sounded familiar.

Recognize this? she wrote. She sent me a photo of the small of her back where she had a very hot tattoo with a half-naked woman and thunderbolts and swirly patterns. Now, I’ve seen some good small of the back tattoos (like Ginger Magnolia’s), but I’d never seen this particular half-naked woman design before.

We haven’t met, I wrote. At least not naked.
So what time do you want to meet? she wrote.

Okay, at this point, if a woman on Craigslist doesn’t ask for my photo, I sort of figure something is up. Add in those hottie measurements and the hot tattoo, and I sensed there was more to her than she was letting on. But it was Friday, and I was up for anything. I asked for a face pic, and she obliged.

Damn, she was pretty! And young – 22 or so. Why had she asked if I was over 40?

One reason – she wanted a Sugar Daddy.

Blog fodder is blog fodder. I figured I’d ride this one out as long as possible and see where things led. We made plans to meet at a wine bar.

That’s when things got even more interesting.

You know, I really shouldn’t be hanging out on a night I’m not working, she wrote.
What work do you do? I asked.
I’m a dancer.

I’m no dummy. She meant she was an exotic dancer.

To make a long story short, she implied that were I to give her enough money to pay her cell phone bill (which I’m sure was exorbitant), she wouldn’t have to worry about not working, and she could hang out with me. She said she’d be up for whatever sort of partying I wanted to do.

Don’t you just love when the hookers go trolling for dates on Craigslist?

I ended up watching a movie with a platonic girl friend. Someone without any hot tattoos.

At least none that she’s shown me.

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Snuggle Season

dadshouse — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:17:52 +0000

Used to be the holidays were the worst time of year for a single dad like me to date. Women seemed to cut off their search for the perfect man just before Thanksgiving, only to resume it after the New Year – just in time for Valentine’s Day romance and chocolates.

I surmised they did this (they being the women I was unable to get dates with) because they were busier with holiday activities like shopping and party-going, and they didn’t want to introduce someone new to their relatives and friends.

This year is different. I’m getting dates like crazy with women who want a warm strong body in bed with them during cold winter nights. No, I’m not sleeping with every woman I meet. But several have told me, in no uncertain terms:

It’s snuggle season!

These women don’t need happily ever after. They simply want someone who will stick around all winter (presumably at least until the New Year.)

Do You Spoon Naked?

It’s a welcome change for me. But why this year? Why now? I’m guessing as I hit middle age, with my kids growing through their teens, I’m meeting less women who want to start a family from scratch, i.e. they don’t scrutinize their potential mates for long-term family-building potential. And I’m meeting more single moms and single women who are used to dating divorced men with kids. They all realize that kids come first. They’re more willing to see me and my kids in a neutral or even positive light.

Funny thing is, by looking for something short term, I’m not lowering the bar on my search for a woman. In recent years, I settled into having a lover who otherwise didn’t see much of my life. She didn’t meet my kids, rarely met my friends. We kept each other warm and heated things up when the mood struck and schedules coincided.

How to Start Dating a Single Dad

The women dating me now are looking for something in between LTR and being friends with benefits. A short-term light relationship with the potential to grow into something more. Which is probably the healthiest approach to dating, anyways.

All in all, I think it’s a good thing for me. I don’t get nearly enough intimacy as a single parent. Lovers make up for some of that lack with physical intimacy (i.e. sex), but in the end I’d like a partner I can count on to be there, who wants more from a dating relation than to just go out for dinner, or get laid.

Being comfortable enough that we can snuggle and keep warm this winter seems a fine start.

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