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Children and Divorce

dadshouse — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:33:39 +0000

As a single parent who’s been divorced and co-parenting for ten years, I get asked fairly often about children and divorce:

How did my ex wife and I tell our children we were getting divorced?
How did our kids respond to the divorce news?
How have our children coped since the divorce?

I’m a divorced parent with some experience. I’ve raised two kids half time and co-parented for a decade. I’ve read a ton of books, went through therapy, put my kids through counseling. And I watched as we all ended up okay.

Great Books for Divorce and Relationship Advice

Children and Divorce – What are the Effects?

My wife and I lived separated under one roof for nearly a year before we pulled the trigger and separated. When we broke the divorce news to our kids, our daughter was 7 ½ and our son was 3 ½, and my ex-wife and I both told them at the same time about the end of our marriage, and how it would affect our family and them.

We felt it was important for our children to see we both wanted the divorce, and we made sure they understood that they were not the reason we were splitting up.

When it comes to children and divorce, kids might feel anger, fear, frustration, depression, guilt. They don’t understand why the parents are splitting up, or what will happen after the separation. A lot of kids probably want their parents to stick together, no matter what. I remember my son would try to get his mom and I to sit together or talk to each other as much as possible, hoping we’d reconcile. And he was only three and a half!

Sometimes with children and divorce, there’s a sense of relief that the tension in the home will finally go away. That was how our daughter reacted. She actually smiled when we told her the news, as if she understood we could all be happy in two homes.

A fabulous book regarding parents, children and divorce is Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci, PhD. (My blog name, Dad’s House, was inspired by that book.) The book helped me lay the foundation for successful co-parenting, including setting limits and respecting roles.

How to Co-parent With an Ex

Kids are smart. What you say directly to them is huge, but they also pick up on body language and indirection communications. For instance, if you bitch about your ex to a friend, and your kid is in the room – your child knows you are ripping on your ex. This might anger the child. They might grow distrustful or resentful of you. They also might end up judging your ex harshly.

My ex-wife and I found it’s much better to refer to each other with respect. That way the kids learn forgiveness and conflict resolution. Plus, your ex is still your child’s parent. Your kid probably wants to feel love for both parents, even if the parents can’t feel that love for each other.

Divorce affects children, birthdays, holidays, extended family. It’s a massive change for everyone, and all occasions. The important thing is to try to put the needs of your kids first.

Birthday Traditions for Children and Divorce

Know that kids can thrive, and sometimes divorced kids are more evolved than children from “traditional” families. For instance, my daughter is extremely organized and self-sufficient. She never let her two-home living situation affect her ability to get school work done. She’s self confident, and her self-esteem is sky high – partly because she has a single mom who is thriving on her own, and a single dad who expresses himself and communicates with her. She has great relationships with both her mom and me.

Things have been tougher for my son. He sometimes lets schoolwork slip through the cracks between the two homes. While he enjoys his one-on-one time with both mom and dad, he really likes meeting my ex’s boyfriends or my girlfriends. It seems he wants both of us in healthy relationships, where he can interact with the dating relation in our lives. On the plus side – my son is not shy, and will boldly talk to any adult. Maybe he would have been that way anyways, but he’s definitely self confident and not shy, despite or because of our two-home situation.

The effects of children and divorce aren’t necessarily doom and gloom. Marital separation can lead to happy, healthy, evolved, self-aware people. Parents and kids both.

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Dad Moved Away, and Now He Wants Back

dadshouse — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 11:22:00 +0000

A single mom named Stephanie recently left a comment on my post about divorced parents with one parent moving away.

Seems one day her 39-year-old husband admitted he was in an older man younger woman relationship, and left his wife and 18-month-old son to live in another country with his 21-year-old mistress. Sad and tragic, to say the least. And while I don’t mean to judge – I haven’t walked in his or anyone else’s shoes – in my book, dads who desert their families pretty much suck.

I understand divorce can happen for a variety of reasons. Tiger Woods had a zillion mistresses and his wife Erin is contemplating divorce. Jon and Kate Gosselin had marital problems of their own.

But when a parent walks completely away from their child, I just don’t get it. Parenting is awesome. I didn’t know what love is until I became a parent. Being a dad is my greatest joy. (Like I said, though, I haven’t walked in the deserting dad’s shoes.)

Single mom Stephanie raised her son by herself, with some help from her mom. The dad saw the boy on weekends every two months until the boy was three, and then only saw him once. He contributes financially every month, so technically he’s not a deadbeat dad. Money aside, he’s out of the picture.

Now the boy is five, and dad wants back in. At the very least, he wants his extended family to meet his son.

Stephanie wants to know what Dad’s House readers think. Should she give her ex the proverbial finger? Or take the higher road and let him see his son?

As a single father who encourages dads to stay involved with their kids, you might think I’d say let him back in. But given the circumstances of this situation – with dad leaving his family for a much younger woman in a different country, and barely making an effort to see his child – makes me cringe.

Granted, maybe the dad was going through stuff and has changed. Surely he deserves to see his own flesh and blood. But single mom Stephanie shouldn’t do a thing to make that happen. He can come to them.

As for the dad getting more involved… I really don’t see how Stephanie can trust him again. Will he stick around for a few weeks, then split again? Granted, he sent money every month. But she took care of the boy every day! Physical presence counts for a lot in my book.

Dad’s House readers, the floor is yours.

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Should an Ex-Wife’s Boyfriend Visit the Dad’s House?

dadshouse — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 11:42:46 +0000

I was getting out of the shower after a five-mile run when I heard the kitchen phone voicemail pick up. It was my ex-wife:

We’re coming by to pick up an iPod and a jacket before we go skiing this weekend. We’ll be there in five minutes.

No problem, my ex and I have a call-before coming rule to avoid awkward moments, ever since the time a booty call was interrupted by my son visiting unannounced. Oy! Tonight it was no big deal. I was home alone, and it would be nice to say goodbye to the kids before they took off for Tahoe. I dressed quickly.

Five minutes later, my ex-wife’s boyfriend’s truck pulled up in my driveway. WTF?!

The kids hopped out, ran inside for their stuff, and that’s when they noticed I was home.

I know there are divorced parents who wouldn’t think twice about a visit like this, especially since my ex and the kids didn’t know I was home. But I didn’t like it much. It’s one thing to rationalize in my mind that my ex’s boyfriend would be spending a fun weekend with my kids. It’s quite another to see it playing out before my eyes.

Granted, in ten years of divorce I’ve gotten used to not-seeing my kids half of each year, and to missing out on trips they take with their mom. Doesn’t mean I like it. I’d rather see my children than not.

And sure, I’ve gotten used to the fact my ex-wife has been dating for a few years. Just as my ex-wife got used to the post-divorce girlfriends of mine who she met.

But my girlfriends didn’t visit my ex-wife’s house. To do so seemed insensitive. My ex-wife’s home is her place with the kids. Just as my home is my place with them. (We have a key to each other’s house, for times when the kids need something, but we also have that call-first rule.)

I realize on this particular night it was just an accident. My ex called, and I didn’t pick up or call her back. She probably thought I wasn’t home. But seeing my ex-wife’s boyfriend’s truck pull up, and knowing what it meant – it was hard for me.

I kissed my kids goodbye and watched them drive off, then got on with my evening. It helped that I was hanging out with a girl friend later that night. And I realized the event was just an accident. Still, the experience didn’t feel great.

You tell me – Should your ex’s dating relation have free-range to visit your house? Or is there a line of respect that shouldn’t be crossed?

If you liked this ex-wife’s boyfriend post, you might also enjoy:

My Ex-Wife’s Cousin

dadshouse — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 11:22:38 +0000

My ex-wife has a huge family living in our area – parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews. Yet, in ten years of divorce, aside from one aunt and uncle who live nearby, I’ve never run into any of my ex-wife’s extended family unless the meeting was pre-arranged.

So it was weird as heck to be out wine tasting and see one of her cousins tossing back Pinot Noir just down the tasting bar from me.

I went over and said hello. It had been seven years since I’d seen this particular cousin of my ex. He’s a contractor and I had hired him to do some work around my house back then. He was in the winery with a woman – his fiancée who he is marrying this spring. He’s a divorced dad like me, and she’s divorced but childless, and I was very intrigued about how they met, and how she got along with his kids.

Turns out the world is a very small place. They met through the woman who helped redecorate my single parent house, and that decorator is someone I met through my ex-wife. It also turns out the fiancée is friends with a neighbor of mine.

That she’d once been married is huge, she said. She knows better what to expect this time around.

We chatted a bit about his kids, and the fiancée’s relationship with them. They get along fine, and it sounded like she’s trying to hone in on a role that works for everyone (dad, mom, kids, and herself.)

“Your kids are so great,” the fiancée said to me, now talking about my kids. “Your daughter is smart and athletic. And your son is so funny. I hear he has your sense of humor.”

Huh? What did she know about my kids? Although, I supposed they would have met once or twice since the fiancée started dating my ex-wife’s cousin two years ago.

“We go camping together!” she said. “And we barbecue all the time. I really enjoy being around them.”

Okay then. Seems my kids have quite the life with their mom and her family when I’m not around.

Or rather, my ex-wife’s family has quite the life with my kids.

If you liked this post about my ex-wife’s cousin, you might also enjoy:

How Do Co-Parents Get Along?

dadshouse — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:36:19 +0000

How did my ex-wife and I get to a place of amicable co-parenting? A newly divorced mom recently asked that question in a comment on a Dad’s House post, Co-parenting – How to Deal With an Ex.

The short answer:

My ex-wife and I simply decided to put the kids first, and our differences second. We strive to make parenting decisions that are in the best interests of our children. We figure our kids will lead happier lives if their mom and dad can at least do that.

The long answer:

Getting divorced was the most painful emotional experience I ever endured. Two people fell in love, got married, had kids. And then one day realized they cannot bear to live their lives together.

Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice

For some couples, the divorce ends with hateful feelings, bickering, fighting, harsh words. For others, there’s a drifting apart. For my ex and I, there was a deep sense that we wanted very different things from life. We couldn’t stand the thought of having the course of our lives dictated by the other.

For ten months we lived separated under one roof. It was hell. We avoided each other as much as possible, because when we were together, tensions rose and tempers flared. Not healthy for the kids, or us.

After we separated, a sense of calm pervaded. We both were in control of our own individual destinies. (As much as any person can control anything. The universe has a wicked sense of humor! All we can each do is make choices, strive to be self aware, give love from a compassionate heart.)

Play the Game of Life

When it came to the kids, my ex-wife and I realized we were stuck with each other as co-parents. We had joint custody, so legally we were both entitled to have a say in how our children were raised. As such, we needed to communicate with each other and make decisions together, even if we felt angry and didn’t get along.

We separated the bad feelings toward each other from the good feelings we had toward our kids.

I think if we didn’t have joint custody, the custodial parent might have written the other parent off as insignificant, irrelevant, someone who just gets in the way.

My ex and I had our occasional fights – two a year seems par for the course. But otherwise, we simply put our anger and disappointment in another place, and tried to feel compassion for our kids. Our children deserved the best life we could give them.

My ex and I relied on email to do most of our communicating. Written messages with a day-long delay in response removed the emotional charge from any disputes we had. Plus, we could avoid being in each other’s presence if we wanted. (We both attended our kids’ soccer games, and eventually got to the point where we could sit together and discuss child-related issues Time heals.)

Single Parent Success Secrets

When our emails turned into ALL CAPS MUD-SLINGING FESTS, we’d hit the delete key, and go back to curt, business-like communications. Focus on the issue. Have a concrete goal. Get in, get out, move on.

For marriages that end in bitterness, rejection, total disrespect, it’s hard, and may feel impossible to put those negative feelings aside. But if both parties intend to co-parent together, what’s the alternative? You have to put the bad feelings someplace else, and do the work of co-parenting. You get through it, then do something to let off steam or unwind – and forget about your ex.

Don’t let thoughts of your ex, or their words and actions, define how you feel about yourself.

For me, I focus on things I truly enjoy: I Cycle. Cook. Listen to music. Watch soccer. Spend time with friends. Have a cocktail. Enjoy life.

Most of all – enjoy enjoy enjoy!!! the time you spend with your kids. They grow up fast.

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Children and Divorce at the Holidays

dadshouse — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:33:43 +0000

When children and divorce are concerned, the holidays take on a very different flavor. For instance, the other day my son asked if we’d be roasting a chicken for Thanksgiving.

“Is that what you want?” I asked.

“Yeah!” he said. “With roasted potatoes and yams. Like we made two years ago.”

That exchange might sound strange for someone accustomed to eating turkey on the Thanksgiving holiday.

But my kids are children of divorce, splitting time equally between mom’s house and dad’s house. They’re with me half of each week, alternating weekends, and a jumbled alternating mix of holidays each year.

This year, they’ll spend Thanksgiving with their mom and Christmas with me. Next year, Thanksgiving with me and Christmas with their mom.

One thing I’ve learned in the ten years since my marriage ended, children and divorce doesn’t have to mean sinlge parent holiday loneliness. Granted, we’ll be having our roast chicken Thanksgiving dinner on a day other than Thursday. But is that so bad? We often celebrate birthdays on a weekend before or after the day. My kids sound genuinely excited to have a Thanksgiving dinner with me, even if it’s on Saturday. And they’re looking forward to a big meal with their mom, too.

Back to that chicken. Since there are just three of us in my single parent house, a full-on turkey would be way too big. Turkey breast might do, but it’s fun to roast an entire bird. (Apologies to my vegetarian readers). Don’t worry, we’ll still have our favorite pumpkin pie recipe (Libby’s!)

And so when it comes to children and divorce at the holidays in my house, we won’t be saying gobble, gobble, gobble, this year.

Bock-bock-bo-caw! will do just fine.

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Tit for Tat Coparenting

dadshouse — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:05:12 +0000

There’s give and take in every relationship, whether you’re dating, married, or divorced.

When you have kids, a nice goal is to share the coparenting workload.

Tit for tat.

But what happens when the tit for tat reciprocation falls flat?

Head on over to the Hot Dads blog for a look at:

Tit for Tat Coparenting

(If that pre-programmed link doesn’t work, just go straight to Hot Dads.)

I reckon tat for tit coparenting is something else entirely.

Flickr photo by stevegatto2, some rights reserved.

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