Dad's House » internet dating

Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy

dadshouse — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 07:05:43 +0000

As a single dad going it solo (half-time custody) for eight years now, I’ve learned to lead a fulfilling, satisfying life without a partner. But… if you’re a single parent like me and a lot of the bloggers I read, you’re probably missing out on intimacy, sex, adult love.

MsSingleMama recently asked the question, Who Needs a Husband, Anyway? She feels strongly that single moms rock on their own (they do), and that their kids will be fine without a father figure present in the home (they might). But what she ignores is the intimacy needs of the single parent.

Lest we forget the importance of intimacy, the dictionary reminds us its meaning - belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature. Sounds important.

Intimacy comes in many forms. Touch, communication, shared experiences. From a sex point of view, a hookup can certainly feel intimate. (Lord knows I’ve blogged about hookups enough, mainly sharing my frustration with them as a source of adult closeness for me as a single dad living in the suburbs where there are hardly any singles my age.)

But are booty calls enough?

Hookups provide the rush of a temporary feeling of closeness. It seems to me if you had that feeling of closeness all the time, it would lead to a different, deeper sense of fulfillment. (And if not, why do people seek out sex or hook up at all?)

I’ve been in some great relationships post-divorce, and while I haven’t remarried, I know my kids are fine. They are happy, healthy, loving, strong, evolving people. But I also know I’m not modeling an adult romantic relationship for them, and that’s a sad thing.

In Seat of the Soul, Gary Zukav writes about spiritual partnership – partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. Like MsSingleMama, Mr. Zukav suggests we no longer need marital partners for survival. Women and men both are separately capable of working, raising kids, and running a household solo. But he suggests you need that equal partner to learn how to care for another person more than yourself. That is the root of compassion.

As the Dalai Lama says, the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through compassion. As parents, we certainly experience this by putting the needs of our children first. As adults, we can experience this on some level with everyone we meet.

But infusing unconditional love into an intimate relationship – for me, that’s the missing link.

I think it’s great and important for single parents to feel fine about their lives. Accepting your own situation is the first step to internal peace and happiness. Being a single parent doesn’t mean we’re flawed. We don’t have to spend all our time seeking a partner.

But there’s also nothing wrong with allowing an adult in your life. For me as a single dad, the lack of feminine energy and adult intimacy feels incomplete.

In short, I’m tired of sleeping alone.

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When Online Dating Doesn’t Work, Use Your DNA

dadshouse — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 07:28:24 +0000

Dear David,

online dating isn’t working for me. I’ve tried different dating sites for over a year now, with no luck. Granted, I go on plenty of coffee dates, but I haven’t even come close to finding Mr. Right. Is it me, or am I correct in thinking internet dating doesn’t work? I need your advice! Should I get an internet dating profile makeover? Would a professional photo help me look better online? Should I hire an editor to punch-up my profile essay? Help!

- Frustrated in Fresno

Dear Frustrated,

Believe me, I understand exactly how you feel. Through eight years of divorce I’ve done a lot of online dating, and like you, I haven’t found my ideal match. I hear it works for some people, but I’m skeptical. Despite success stories you might have heard about a sister’s roommate or a second cousin’s friend-of-a-friend finding love online, there are tens of millions of people on internet dating sites right now, most of whom aren’t quite so satisfied. It seems Jupiter Research found that “barely one quarter of users reported being very satisfied or satisfied with online personals sites.”

(I’m happy to share a good review of what’s wrong with online dating, citing studies and surveys to make the point. Sadly, such voices of reason tend to get drowned out by industry hype when there’s big money to be made. The New York Times reported that in 2007 online matchmaking industry subscription revenues were $650 million, while SmartMoney.com suggests the figure is $890 million. No wonder some dating advice sites happily suggest you give internet dating a try – there are referral commissions to be made!)

I won’t tell you internet dating sucks completely. It has proved an efficient way to meet strangers for coffee, drinks, dinner, older men younger women relationships, and even booty calls. (Forget Adult Friend Finder, for casual dating Craigslist is totally free.) Internet dating is definitely for real, as researchers at UC Berkeley are trying to better understand the effect of online dating sites on how people interact.

But for finding the love of your life, my advice is this: give online dating a rest. Cancel your online matchmaking membership and hide your internet dating profile. Get out, mingle, flirt in everyday life. Join a club. Go to the gym. Volunteer for a cause. Put yourself out there.

And if that doesn’t work, use your DNA.

That’s right, there’s now (online, of course) a service that will match you genetically with a prospective partner. Talk about chemistry! For $1,995.95 (less 50% off until February 2009), you can join ScientificMatch.com. They’ll have you swab the inside of your cheek with cotton and send them a sample of your DNA. (I’m not sure whether it’s best to swab after enjoying your favorite meal or cocktail, or whether your mouth should be antiseptically clean. I’m guessing this is addressed in ScientificMatch.com’s DNA collection kit.)

Apparently, a chemical match like this provides amazing benefits, including: “you’ll love their natural body fragrance–they’ll smell ‘sexier’ than other people,” and “there will be less cheating in your exclusive relationship,” and “your children will be healthier.”

What’s not to like?

In short, Frustrated, it’s not you, or the photo in your profile, or the 250 words in your essay. Online dating doesn’t work. Instead, swab a bit of that double-helix magic out of your mouth, and Mr. Right will soon be on his way.

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Hooking Up – I Just Want To Be Your Lover

dadshouse — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 22:03:42 +0000

Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Laura Sessions Stepp gives a detailed look at the hookup culture that is permeating social scenes in American colleges and even some high schools.

Hooking up involves two people getting together for sex without commitment or attachment. Ms. Stepp suggests hook-ups have replaced dating for the young-20s generation. The reasons vary: students preparing for lucrative careers refuse to be distracted by relationships; children of divorced parents don’t trust relationships; the new generation doesn’t value love; dependence on a partner is seen as a weakness; working on a relationship is less important than working on yourself.

Great insights, but I have some news – hookups aren’t confined to bright young women on college campuses. They’re everywhere. As a 40-something single dad, I’ve hooked up with women of all ages and various life stages. (Craigslist is a great resource for casual dating.)

There’s the mid-30s Burlingame woman, an ivy-educated finance professional currently pursuing an MBA. She told me over dinner on our initial meeting that between work and school she didn’t have time for a dating relationship. She then invited me back to her apartment for a sleepover and first-date sex. (Given the attraction and chemistry, I accepted.) In the morning she ushered me out, kissing me goodbye and thanking me for a fun time. In subsequent days and weeks, I tried asking her out again, but she didn’t return my calls.

There’s the early-40s single mom in San Mateo. We flirted over drinks at a restaurant bar, then she invited me to her place to fool around. We made out on the couch, then she kicked me out promptly at 11pm so she could go get her son from a friend’s house. I’m a single parent, so I could relate. When I asked to see her again, she laughed and said her dating days were long past, but promised she’d call me when the mood struck for another hookup. I need more than that from a relationship, and told her don’t bother.

There’s the late-20s San Jose nurse who works at a hospital near my house. She’s searching in earnest for a potential husband close to her age. While she enjoys coffee and dinner dates with her suitors, she doesn’t hook up. Instead, she asked me – a charming, fun, respectful, experienced, older man – to be her monogamous lover while she looks for a mate. (The single dad as booty call partner is something I’ll definitely blog about in future posts.)

I have to admit, I’m mulling this last option. As a single parent protecting the family unit I share with my children, I’m selective about who I bring around. Only two girlfriends have met my kids, and then only after we’d been dating a few months and there was long-term relationship potential.

While I’m not sold on the hookup culture – it’s unhealthy, and ultimately unfulfilling, and I know from experience that intimacy is heightened when two people truly care for each other, when the emotional and spiritual connection is deep – I also know that No Strings Attached (NSA) hookups serve a purpose (as long as they aren’t arrangements. In between serious relationships, they’re a way to touch another person, share some intimacy, stay sane.

Hookups are everywhere, even in popular music. When I hear Radiohead’s Thom Yorke croon on the song House of Cards – I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover – I give a knowing nod and sing quietly along with the tune.

Click here to view the embedded video.

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