Dad’s House

David Mott is on vacation this week, and guest bloggers have the keys to Dad’s House. The party continues today as Lance from HoneyAndLance.com hangs out at the pool and offers dating advice for 40-something men… (btw - if that brunette is still in the Dad’s House pool when I get home, she can stay for good - DM)

Since DM talks a fair amount about dating as a single parent, I thought I would try my hand at some dating tips aimed specifically at DM’s demographic, that is forty-something single men. Since I’m not a forty-something, this is partly based on what I understand about the principles of attraction, but also what I know from a few guys I’ve talked to. Much of this advice would work for a woman also (I think).

Before we start, I want to establish something right out of the gate. Forty-something men are usually looking to date younger women. Shocker, right? That’s a reality, and you can find overwhelming evidence on every online dating site where older guys post their preferred age range. If you’re a younger, attractive woman on one of these sites, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not hating, I’m saying that’s the way it is.

Alrighty, here’s my advice for 40+ guys looking to snag/shag younger women.

Get a cool haircut. If you’ve got a dorky haircut, time to ditch it. Grow it out a bit, go to an expensive stylist and tell them you want to look cool. You don’t have to look like a rock star, but you certainly don’t want to look like the Geico rep either. This is an actionable item right now.

Get some cool threads. This one is huge. In your off hours, make sure you don’t dress like the high school physics teacher. Find a look that suits your body type and get clothes that flatter. Are you tall and thin? Try the long sleeved shirts from Express. If you’re the clean cut type, shop Banana Republic. Also, get a couple pairs of expensive jeans, like don’t be afraid to blow $150 or more on a pair. Also, buy some expensive shoes, again well over $100. Women notice this stuff immediately. Young women will see that you’re hip and with it. This is another actionable item.

Find Commonalities. This includes music, television, movies, websites, books, places to eat and go out, etc. Hey, if you’re going after the 28-year-old hottie and you’re 45, you better know who Incubus is when she starts telling you about their latest concert. Find out what the young chicks are into. If you’re woefully behind the times on music, I suggest spending an afternoon browsing Youtube vids or listening to Pandora.

Play sports or go to the gym. DM is in terrific shape so this doesn’t apply to him, but if you’re a forty-something and obese and balding, you’ve got no shot at the young babes unless you happen to also be a billionaire or Salman Rushdie. Get your butt to the gym and burn off the spare tire. You’ll look better, feel better, and be better positioned to attract any woman.

Be social. Can’t emphasize this enough. This means going to bars and social venues and interacting with the younger set. I would go further and try organizing parties at your house or forming a social group based around your interests. You’re never too old to throw a pool party on a Saturday afternoon or organize a cool dinner party. Don’t limit yourself to online dating…take charge and be a social organizer.

The great thing about throwing parties is that it gives you an excuse to talk to women. That’s right, go to a nice bar on a Friday night with your buds, open the hotties, and towards the end of the interaction invite them to the pool party you’re throwing at your pimp pad in two weeks. Get a number or a Myspace address while you’re at it. It’s much easier to number close if you have something of value to give the chick, that value being the great party you’re inviting her to.

Make a Myspace or Facebook page. It’s dawned on me in the last few months how relevant social networking is to dating, and how effective a good page can be. Race and Kelly, who specialize in social network game, say having a good Myspace page is like having a PR firm working for you 24/7. I totally agree. Get yourself an account, customize it, and put tons of good pictures on there. Not only will this help get you noticed, but it’s a great way to screen potential dates. It’s also easier to get someone’s Myspace info than getting a phone number.

Those are some of the basics to make you more attractive to younger women. Since you’re a 40+ guy, I’m assuming you’ve got your money handled and a solid place to live, which solves much of the social value problem. Keep in mind, chicks are looking for confident, ambitious, secure men, and you’ve already got that. Do the stuff above and you’ll be fun and cool too.

Ladies, do you agree or disagree?

© 2008 HoneyAndLance.com. All rights reserved. Published by DadsHouseBlog.com with permission from the author.

Her ad last Tuesday was simple and direct:

Summer Romance - I’m 35, attractive and active, take good care of myself. I’m educated with a successful career. Looking for an intelligent, fit, emotionally healthy man, 35-45. Let’s meet for drinks tonight and see where things lead.

Summer romance with an attractive woman who wanted to meet tonight? Sounded perfect to me. It was already 8:45pm, and she’d posted at 8:30pm, so I had a real shot. Some women posting on Craigslist received 300 responses. For a guy to get picked, sending the first compelling reply was key. I emailed a note and a pic of my smiling face.

Hey – I like how you sound. I’m a SWM, early 40s, educated, in shape, nearby. Drinks tonight sounds great.

The best thing about Craigslist is its immediacy. Forget match.com and yahoo personals with their checkboxed descriptions of an ideal partner, prolonged emails, and lengthy search for the one. On Craigslist it was all about who wants to meet right now? Chemistry is felt in an instant in person, after all. The important thing is to meet.

Half an hour passed.

Surely she’d picked someone by now. If she was real. I’d been around the Craigslist block enough times to get burned more than once. But I’d also met some really great women – for coffee, drinks, hiking, cycling, dinner. I just figure you have to break some eggs to make an omelet. And if said omelet is made for two the morning after an evening date? I won’t complain.

She sent an email. Her pic was attractive. Her note was brief:

Looks good. Where do you live?

I know enough not to give personal details online to a stranger, so I side-step questions like that. The key was to meet, especially when her ad said tonight. She was looking for summer romance, not looking all summer for the perfect partner. I wrote right back.

I’m one town over. Are you in the mood for cocktails or wine?

Another five minutes passed, not a good sign. She might be considering a handful of guys. And why not? If she was out clubbing, she’d have an entire venue of men to flirt with. Finally she wrote and suggested we chat on Yahoo IM.

Her: hi!
Me: hey, how are you?
Her: I’m good. Getting a little late.

(Fair enough, she’d posted an hour before.)

Me: I live nearby. Let’s meet right now and chat over drinks.
Her: that would be fun, but I have to get up early.

(Granted, it was a weeknight. But she’s the one who’d posted looking for tonight.)

Me: you’ll be in bed early. It’s just a drink
Her: maybe you want more than that

(From summer romance to one-night-stand – maybe she was testing my intentions)

Me: no, just a drink to see if we click. Summer’s just getting started. Plenty of time for fun.
Her: good! But I really do have to get up early. Maybe tomorrow night?

(Sigh. I wouldn’t push. Best to play on her terms.)

Me: I would, but I already have dinner plans with a buddy. Sorry.
Her: no problem. How about Thursday?
Me: sure! That would be great.

We agreed to chat some more during the day on Thursday to iron out plans. Craigslist immediacy was being tossed out the window, but at least I had a date. With an attractive, educated, sexy woman, no less.

On Thursday I couldn’t wait for our evening date. Drinks with romance potential. This could turn into a very good summer, indeed. Too bad we hadn’t exchanged cell phone numbers, we could swap some flirty text messages or actually talk. I sent her email. The response was immediate:

From: MAILER-DAEMON@yahoo.com
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message. That account has been deactivated.

Talk about simple and direct. Ah, Craigslist.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Internet Dating - Sadly, I’m a Bit of an Expert
  
• Texting for Chemistry – Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 2
• A Sexy Flirty Dirty Text Message

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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First, some news:

Dad’s House posts are now available as FULL feeds

(rather than summary), through Feedburner. This will no doubt delight multitudes of people who read blogs from feed readers and email programs rather than visiting this blog. The content is the same, but pushed to you rather than pulled by you. I sound nerdy. I used to be an engineer. Sorry. (And speaking of nerdy - I had to change some internal links to make the jump to full feeds. So if you see broken links, let me know.)

If you’d like to receive updates to Dad’s House content via RSS or email, click away…
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On to the main event!

The Dad’s House post today appears on Silicon Valley Moms Blog –

Calling All Matchmakers.

Offering a reminder to all the moms, dads, married folks, coupled folks, and anyone else who voyeuristically follows affairs of the heart: sometimes us single parents need some matchmaking help. Going on a date with a friend of a friend beats the hell out of match.com. Trust me.

I think you’ll like this matchmaking post. Come on over and comment. Bullhorns optional. (Whether you rip me like the first commentor did, or come to my support is entirely up to you… )

Now then, can someone please help me out of this glee-club sweater? I’m really not an argyle kind of guy.

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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My kids left on vacation Friday with their mom, and I’ll be a lone wolf for three weeks. Full-time parents might cheer that break. But if you’re a single parent sharing custody, like me, chances are you’d rather have the kids around. Time spent with children is precious; they grow up quick.

Their mom and I alternate summers for taking them on big vacations. Here’s how I’ve dealt with summer alone-time before.

• Newly divorced – the first time they took off with their mom, I dated like CRAZY. I had just discovered internet dating and thought it was manna from heaven. Interestingly enough, the two relationships I entered that summer were from someone I met at a wedding, and someone I was set up with by friends. (So much for online dating, eh?)

• Two years after divorce – I had just broken up with a girlfriend, and friends were still conflicted about my divorce: they hadn’t taken sides between me and my ex, and they ended up leaving us both a bit out to pasture to fend for ourselves. With my kids gone, I was LONELY (and depressed). Like any good single, I fled to Club Med for a week of drinking and hooking up (in my case, with a gorgeous and sexy Cuban woman, who made fun of my salsa dancing skills, but otherwise liked me).

But debauchery only carries you so far. At some point, I hit rock bottom. No friends to hang out with, no kids to take care of, no girlfriend to smooch. Like Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love, I was wondering what’s the point of this thing called life. Let’s just say, since then I changed a lot. That summer was cathartic, and I’ve gone on to write two novels about the spiritual, emotional, psychological, and social shifts that arise from divorce and single parenting.

• Four years after divorce – by this point I had a completely different set of friends, ones who were more accepting and supportive of me being a single dad and single man. We enjoy yachting, and we sailed the British Virgin Islands together for a week, sleeping on the boat, listening to reggae, and drinking way too many Bushwackers. I also hung out with good friends in Manhattan, running in Central Park, dining in fabulous restaurants, and sighting celebrities. (Celebs I’ve seen up-close in NYC over the years: Marisa Tomei, James Iha from Smashing Pumpkins, Toby Maguire filming Spiderman 3, Dustin Hoffman, Scarlett Johansson (I wish))

• Six years after divorce – I finally accepted the fact that I can’t force the outcome of my future. I went with the flow and dated four women at once. Rock concerts, wine tasting, weekend road trips, a lot of cycling. Fun times, for sure.

Which brings me to now. I have no plan. Even though I’m faced with three weeks alone, I’m not too concerned. I won’t throw myself into online dating, or rush off on a singles holiday. I’ll just take each day as it comes and see what enters my life. No expectations, but open to possibilities.

Sometimes a lone wolf just needs to howl.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
• What Does a Divorced Single Parent Know About Successful Relationships?
• San Francisco Fireworks of Another Kind (Dad’s House post on Silicon Valley Moms Blog)
  

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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As a single dad going it solo (half-time custody) for eight years now, I’ve learned to lead a fulfilling, satisfying life without a partner. But… if you’re a single parent like me and a lot of the bloggers I read, you’re probably missing out on intimacy, sex, adult love.

MsSingleMama recently asked the question, Who Needs a Husband, Anyway? She feels strongly that single moms rock on their own (they do), and that their kids will be fine without a father figure present in the home (they might). But what she ignores is the intimacy needs of the single parent.

Lest we forget the importance of intimacy, the dictionary reminds us its meaning - belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature. Sounds important.

Intimacy comes in many forms. Touch, communication, shared experiences. From a sex point of view, a hookup can certainly feel intimate. (Lord knows I’ve blogged about hookups enough, mainly sharing my frustration with them as a source of adult closeness for me as a single dad living in the suburbs where there are hardly any singles my age.)

But are booty calls enough?

Hookups provide the rush of a temporary feeling of closeness. It seems to me if you had that feeling of closeness all the time, it would lead to a different, deeper sense of fulfillment. (And if not, why do people seek out sex or hook up at all?)

I’ve been in some great relationships post-divorce, and while I haven’t remarried, I know my kids are fine. They are happy, healthy, loving, strong, evolving people. But I also know I’m not modeling an adult romantic relationship for them, and that’s a sad thing.

In Seat of the Soul, Gary Zukav writes about spiritual partnership – partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. Like MsSingleMama, Mr. Zukav suggests we no longer need marital partners for survival. Women and men both are separately capable of working, raising kids, and running a household solo. But he suggests you need that equal partner to learn how to care for another person more than yourself. That is the root of compassion.

As the Dalai Lama says, the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through compassion. As parents, we certainly experience this by putting the needs of our children first. As adults, we can experience this on some level with everyone we meet.

But infusing unconditional love into an intimate relationship – for me, that’s the missing link.

I think it’s great and important for single parents to feel fine about their lives. Accepting your own situation is the first step to internal peace and happiness. Being a single parent doesn’t mean we’re flawed. We don’t have to spend all our time seeking a partner.

But there’s also nothing wrong with allowing an adult in your life. For me as a single dad, the lack of feminine energy and adult intimacy feels incomplete.

In short, I’m tired of sleeping alone.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Feminine Energy is a Very Good Thing
• Pass The Kleenex, I’m Tearing Up
• Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
• Kid-Friendly Companionship With Benefits

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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The Dad’s House I ROCKED THE HOUSE: First Date Tips and Horror Stories Contest has come to a close. Eighteen self-selecting bloggers submitted entries for a chance to win the $25 Amazon eCard First Prize and $20 eCard Second Prize.

There can only be one true champ (scroll to the bottom for that result). But in my book, everyone’s a winner:

First Date Horror Stories

• Best Fuzzy Picture Sent Through Craigslist: Kat Wilder’s date at a bakery cum coffeehouse
• Best Use of a Drunk Psycho Dude: Mapi Princesa and her date from hell in Ecuador
• Best Beer Goggle Pickup: DC Nicole is saved by a beer at the cinema
• Best Angry Texting: Lisaq of 40s Singleness and her Most Bizarre Date Yet, a dinner date with a horny guy who clearly has anger texting management issues
• Best Erectile Dysfunction Product Placement: QTMama and her dinner date companion with a Cialis burning a hole in his pocket
• Best Check Splitting: One Date Wonder and her date who tallies every last cent of the dinner check
• Best Wet Dream (It’s a Metaphor, People): What Men Think and a drunk doe-eyed girl in white pants and black thong. What’s not to like about that?
• Best Blood Effects: Uncabled Heart and a Starbucks blind date with a bleeding nose
• Best Lactating Breasts: SingleMomSeeking on her first date as a nursing mom

First Date Tips

• Best Limo Ride From the Airport: Backpacking Dad’s creative suggestion to take a limousine from SFO to Golden Gate park
• Best Advice Involving a Goldfish: Happy Healthy Hip Parenting with tips for a First Date: How to Avoid Having it Be Your Last
• Best Pop Cultural Reference to Survivor: Diane from The Women’s Dish laments the modern fad of daredevil dates
• Best Embrace of Humidity: The Exception offers some great first date ideas, from outdoor concerts to wandering the wine country
• Best Wildebeest Impersonation: Lance from Honey & Lance on a first date video store pickup with an explosive climax
• Best Use of Blindfolds: Cathouse Teri’s sensual fantasy about getting to know someone inside-out. Sex first, questions later

Great First Dates

• Best Masturbation Lead-In: Honey from Honey & Lance on a first date so perfect, it turned into her current relationship
• Best Bearded Biker: Ms. Single Mama falls for a bearded biker and his Harley
• Best Use of Cleavage: Evil Woobie on cleavage and a twenty-sided dice

And the Winners are…

Honorable Mention - Mapi Princesa. Her date from hell in Ecuador was a true nail-biter, worth calling out for mention.

Second Place, and a $20 eCard goes to – What Men Think! And his First Date Horror Story.

Like I said in the contest description, humor is a good thing. I found this post Laugh My Ass Off funny. From the doe-eyed girl wearing white pants and a black thong, to the Halloween motif with a sailor suit that might have been a school-girl costume (does it matter?), What Men Think gave us details that just can’t be made up. And between a passed out girl in his car and his gentlemanly instincts, there were enough plot twists to keep me riveted.

Congratulations, What Men Think!

First Place, and a $25 eCard goes to – Honey! And her Perfect First Date.

This had a lot going for it – sexy preparation tips for a woman (shower, shave, blow dry hair, masturbate), great advice for meeting (someplace with beer, within walking distance of home – so you don’t need a ride, but if you want the other kind of ride, you can get one), clothes ripping, fingernail scratching, ravenous sex (multiple times). Her entry was part story, part advice column, with a perfect blend of straight talk, humor, and sex.

Best of all, it’s a true story – they’re still together!

In Honey’s words, a first date is a delicious combination of strategic planning, thinking on your feet, witty conversation, and natural sexuality. Making rules and not being afraid to throw them out the window. Taking something that was born to be a cliché and making it your own.

Congratulations, Honey!

Thanks to everyone who participated. There were definitely some great posts. Be sure to check them all out!

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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While promoting Mary Pol’s new book, SingleMomSeeking’s Rachel Sarah recently blogged about the event that led to Mary’s child:

Then, there’s this one-night stand with an adorable but jobless guy ten years her junior — and, oops, they didn’t use a condom.

Oops? Excuse me, but I think that qualifies for more than an ‘oops’.

When two people are in a relationship, it’s their choice whether to use protection during sex or not. Maybe they’re in love, maybe not. Maybe they want to start a family, maybe not. Maybe they’re willing to live with the consequences, maybe not.

But for a one night stand? Having one-night-stand sex without protection is crazy. And socially irresponsible.

I’m not judging anyone. We all make mistakes. Lust and passion are strong elixirs. People get tipsy, fool around, hormones rage, stuff happens. And even when condoms are used there can be problems. The condom can break, be ineffective, or even fall off.

But choosing not to wear one is a far different beast.

First date sex rarely leads to a lasting relationship. A one night stand is just that, one night together. Chances are two people having casual sex together have had casual sex with other partners. The risk of STDs is significantly higher for them.

To be sleeping together without protection risks you, your partner, and the entire dating pool to disease.

A female friend reminded me that some guys absolutely insist on unprotected sex. They just don’t like the feel of condoms. They’ll ask, beg, plead, cajole to have bareback sex. Some act needy and wounded to trigger a woman’s nurturing instinct. Some play the co-dependent shame game and guilt her into going along with the idea. They’ll say whatever it takes to persuade her into letting him dip his stick without a glove.

Women – just say NO to these assholes!

These men are employing psychological manipulation of the worst kind. They are putting you at risk, and every one of your future partners at risk. They are peeing in the dating pool. These jerks need to be stopped, cold.

As a single dad out there dating and relating, I need to know my partners practice safe sex, same as I always do. And as I continue the ongoing dialog I have with my teenage daughter about sex and intimacy, I’ll make her aware of this issue. She already knows there are men who use physical force to have sex with women, and one defense is a hard knee to the groin.

That same knee might come in handy against guys who insist on one night of condom-free sex.

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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Suffering from a common online date? Symptoms include:

• Coffee date drudgery – you meet (ignoring all other available singles in the café because this person’s online checkboxes matched yours), and you go through your standard Q&A bull session like it’s a job interview because you haven’t learned how to pump up your conversations, and despite quickly realizing there’s no chemistry, you keep talking until you’ve run out of latte.

• Fuzzy photos – irregularities like pics that don’t match the person who showed up to meet you.

• Unfulfilled expectations – you wink at, favorite, or email someone you like, then you wait. And wait, and wait, … and wait… Chances are you’ll never hear back. Maybe they aren’t paying members. (Then why is their profile still up showing all those cute hottie photos? Um, because it attracts new subscribers?) Maybe their inbox is full. Maybe they just suck at being nice.

• Dinner whores – sorry, it happens too much not to mention. A dinner whore gives you dining companionship in return for you picking up the tab. [Ed. Note: I'm old school and believe the man should pay. My problem with dinner whores is the women who have no intention of dating you or even considering you as a relationship option, they simply want a free meal from whatever man will pay.]

• Feelings of de ja vu – didn’t you see that exact same person’s photo on the other dating site you subscribed to three years ago? The dating pool is only so big.

• Scanning profiles on a Friday night – when you could be hanging out with friends, sharing a cocktail, enjoying a meal, watching a show, or just plain old reading a good book. But dammit, you don’t want anyone to know you’re dateless.

The cure? Head to your local supermarket and shop for groceries. When you see a sexy person you find attractive, smile, flirt, say hello, ask if a melon is ripe, ask how to roast a chicken, etc. Conversate! (I love that word.)

Doctor’s Rx: take one phone number and call it in the morning.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Eight Great Ways to Meet Someone New
• When Online Dating Doesn’t Work, Use Your DNA
  
• Texting for Chemistry – Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 2
  

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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After being roundly criticized by readers for suggesting a first date hike, I thought I’d solicit advice for First Date Tips so I get it right the next time. I figure while we’re at it, why not make it a contest with fabulous prizes, in the tradition of Honey and Lance’s First Kickass Contest. (btw - When a divorced single dad can win a relationship contest, the world is a very cool place, indeed.)

Announcing:

I Rocked the House! – Dad’s House First-Date Contest

Tell us your best First Date Ideas, First Date Things to Avoid, Memories of a Great First Date, or First Date Horror Stories. Whatever you want – just stick to the theme of first dates.

• First Prize gets an Amazon.com eGift card worth $25.
• Second Prize gets an Amazon.com eGift card worth $20.

Both winners will get a cool badge to stick on their blog (similar to the Honey and Lance one in my blog’s sidebar.)

Contest starts immediately, and you have a week to get it done. All entries should be submitted by midnight PST on Sunday June 8, 2008. You can post on your own blog and comment here with a link back to your entry. (You can also put your two cents in here without a blog post, but prizes will be awarded for blog posts since it’s easier to point at them.)

You don’t have to be a regular Dad’s House reader to enter. But Dad’s House readers already know that candor and humor count equally, and nothing’s taboo. (Please try to keep things PG-13.) If you feel compelled to write about coffee dates, which I hate, just make sure your entry kicks ass and you’ll still have a shot to win.

On Monday June 9, I’ll link back to all the entries, take some time to read them and pick winners. (Campaigning for posts, whether for your own or a favorite, is totally fine. Just send me an email or comment here. Bribes take you to the front of the queue.)

If all goes well, I’ll announce the winners on Tuesday June 10.

Let the first date madness begin!

[Ed. Note: here are the contest winners.]

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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While Craigslist sues Ebay over unfair business practices, all parties should realize there’s more at stake than just online classifieds. Where else but Craigslist can you find specially-tailored experiences like those offered by practitioners of tantric sex?

(I use tantra as an example partly because the Silicon Valley Moms Blog had a topic day on sex, and my contribution is about tantric sex. Don’t worry, despite my eagerness to skip over un-natural coffee dates and get straight to the fun, I know tantra is not for first dates. But it’s quite the rage. Just ask celebrity tantra practitioners Sting or Scarlett Johansson.)

A quick search on Craigslist San Francisco Bay brought up dozens of tantra practitioners (some a bit sketchy, I admit), tantric partner yoga classes, tantric dakini training, lessons in tantric kissing, and various tantra ceremonies and events.

A similar search on eBay brought up scores of guides, books, and DVDs. Where’s the human element?

Craigslist needs to remain independent from its part-owner eBay. For tantra’s sake, if nothing else. (Read my SV Moms Blog post on tantric sex.)

Grappa bottle photo by malingering, some rights reserved.

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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