Dad's House » online dating

OK, Cupid – Shoot That Arrow!

dadshouse — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 11:29:43 +0000

I just spent two hours browing through the free dating site OKCupid.com. Was it a waste of time? I don’t know just yet. The OKCupid jury is still out for me.

Based on past experiences with other sites, my online dating expectations are very low. I internet dated a ton after my divorce, so much so I became a bit of an online dating expert. I haven’t dated online in recent years (unless you count Craigslist craziness like the tattooed hooker or the rebound sex coffee date), because I had better luck in real life.

99% of the women I’ve entered into relationships with post-divorce I met through friends (mostly at parties, and not at the Palo Alto winebar where lonely housewives and hungry gold-digging singles hang out).

And yet…

Online dating does serve a purpose. Sites like OKCupid are tools to help you meet relationship-minded people. Of course, chemistry can’t be articulated in checkboxes and paragraphs of online prose. It’s felt by the whole body in person… But I digress.

I’d heard good things about OKCupid from Dad’s House readers, and so I figured I might as well try it out. I have to say – I totally got sucked in.

I browsed OKCupid profiles – pretty standard stuff. Input your basic search criteria, like age, location, ethnicity, and slog through the search results. This was funny – there were women on OKCupid displaying the exact same photo they used on match.com 5 years ago! (Doh!) And there were plenty of attractive women whose OKCupid profile said not to contact them if I was over 40 (check!), or had kids (double check!). I think I found one potential match in a 25 mile radius. Oy.
I took an OKCupid test – OKCupid has personality tests, which seem pretty cool. Sort of like Chemistry.com, but they don’t have Dr. Helen or Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil lording over the results. In fact, OKCupid users can create tests for other users to take. Pretty cool! I took a really long test about which Indie rock band I’d like most. And the result… Radiohead. Heck, I knew that before wasting 10 minutes on the OKCupid test. Why didn’t they just ask me?
I started to answer questions – on OKCupid, anyone can list multiple-choice questions that are important to them. I think if you answer 25 questions, you get a badge or special access to an OKCupid VIP lounge or something. I didn’t get that far. In fact, I gave up after the first few questions I read. They went something like this:

On the night before your wedding, if you found out your fiancee was fertile, would you still get married? (Um… I already have two kids! I’m not interested in potential fertility. Clearly, I’m not a match.)

Would you ever stop dating someone based on a rumor you heard about them? (I’m sorry, did I somehow stumble into the junior high section of OKCupid?)

Most OKCupid users list a dozen or two questions. When I stumbled upon a woman who asked 572 questions, I figured she was an OkCupid lifer who I should stay away from, at all costs!

After two hours on OKCupid, my profile was only 40% complete. I had only one potential match. And I felt myself sliding back into an online dating quagmire of desperation and futility.

Clearly, I need to expand my search radius from 25 to 50 miles, and try again.

Jackie Martinez photo by mark sebastian, some rights reserved.

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Blind Date Redux

dadshouse — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 10:00:42 +0000

I recently went on a blind date without first seeing the woman’s photo. That goes against one of my biggest online dating rules. I prefer seeing a photo before meeting so I can gauge whether there might be chemistry. Certain women turn my head; it can’t be predicted.

But after the backlash I received from some female commentators on my post where I decided not to meet a blind date because her friend in the photo was cuter, I decided I’d just let things fly this time, and meet sans pic. Besides, we’d emailed once before a few months back. If we found each other twice online, we should probably meet. It was just a Craigslist “want to meet for a drink?” type post.

I got to Starbucks first, and when my date came in I did a double take. Had we already gone on a blind first date once before?

She didn’t do a double-take back, so I figured it was my imagination playing tricks. Maybe I had seen her face on some other dating site, and simply remembered it. Or maybe we’d crossed paths in real life.

We chatted for a while, sharing bits and pieces of our lives. It’s overwhelming to simply do an autobiographical dump on a first date. Better to flirt and weave an intriguing but truthful story.

Half an hour into it, she fessed up. “Funny how we crossed paths again,” she said.

So it was her!

“I was thinking we’d met before,” I said.
She gave me a quizzical look. “I meant it’s funny we emailed before but never met.”
“Didn’t we meet for drinks a few years back?” I asked.

She furrowed her brow and thought hard. Recognition crept in. “P.F. Changs?” she asked.

Oh, shit. I thought it was another bar. I realized I’d mixed her up with someone else. Maybe we never had met. (Damn!) “I thought it was Empire Tap,” I said.

“No, it was P.F. Changs,” she said. “I totally remember you now. We ordered spring rolls with our drinks. That was like three years ago!”

Spring rolls? WTF! I didn’t remember that detail. But I suddenly remembered everything else about that evening. We’d hit it off well enough, but there hadn’t been enough spark to build on. Partly because she wasn’t keen on dating a man who had kids. She was childless.

And so our second blind date ended much like the first, with well wishes and no intention to meet up again. Seems swapping pics would have saved us both a bit of bother.

Then again, it made for a good blog post. (Funny enough, it’s not the first time I’ve run into someone twice like this. The other time, my blind date was on another blind date with someone else.)

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Chemistry.com Profile – Maybe More Kids?

dadshouse — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:01:57 +0000

I’ve been using Chemistry.com for about two months now. The compatibility matching service has netted me exactly one date. (Woo-hoo!)

Currently, there are ten women in some stage of the online matchmaking dance with me – interest shown, comparing relationship essentials, answering two questions, or emailing.

Some of these woman take a few days between responses, others take weeks or even a month. I know people get busy – I was idle on Chemistry.com for two weeks at the end of my kids’ school year.

Still, I wonder if at least some of these women might like me, but just aren’t sure about one item in my profile:

Wants children: no

(Yes, I know there might be a zillion reasons why some women are taking ages to respond. For conversation sake, let’s assume at least one of them is considering this “wants children” item.)

The reason I wonder is this: if I receive a profile from a woman, and she has marked “yes” to the wants children item, I immediately dismiss her profile. I figure she really wants more kids, and I really don’t. A lack of relationship compatibility is an instant deal-breaker. Why bother meeting? I assume a woman like that receiving my “no” profile would do the same.

If a woman marks “no” to the wants children item, I bump her to the front of the getting-to-know-you list (assuming I’m attracted and feel there’s a chance for chemistry.)

It’s the women who mark “maybe” to the wants children field that befuddle me. How can a woman not be sure?

A single mom who marks “maybe” might really be on the fence. I get that. I was that way as a single dad five years ago. I could have had more kids, or not, just fine. Now that my kids are older, though, I’m pretty sure I’m done making babies.

But a childless single mom who marks “maybe” means what exactly? She might want to be a mom someday? She might not? She wants to be a mom but she doesn’t want to seem over-eager and pressure the guy into marriage and baby from the first date? She doesn’t want to be a mom but she doesn’t want to appear lacking a nurturing instinct?

Some days I think I should mark my wants kids field to say “maybe”. Maybe some of these women would respond more quickly.

Then again, maybe I should just quit this online dating charade, continue meeting women in real life, and gauge interest the old-fashioned way – by getting to know her in person.

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Online Dating Sucks

dadshouse — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 11:45:17 +0000

The weeks between New Years and Valentines Day are high season for online dating. Singles who made resolutions to find new love are working every avenue. People (okay, women) who don’t want to be alone for Valentines are trying to get their ass in front of Cupid’s arrow and bow.

So how come I’m not signing up for online dating services? Mainly because they suck.

I know, I know, your neighbor’s cousin’s best friend met their match online. It does work for some. But I also know married couples who met in a bar. People meet through the darndest places.

For a variety of reasons, I stopped subscribing to online dating services a few years ago. But hey, maybe it’s better now, right? I recently took another look, logging back into a few different sites where my profile is still in moth balls. I saw many of the same faces who were online dating years ago. Um, how come they’re all still looking for a mate? (Just like me!)

The main reason I don’t online date anymore: it gives me a daily dose of negativity. Most times when I view a profile of a woman I’d like to get to know, chances are the ideal partner she thinks she wants has qualities I don’t possess:

Her imagined ideal partner is younger than me
Her imagined ideal partner lives closer to her than me (like in the city of San Francisco)
Her imagined ideal partner has no children
Her imagined ideal partner wants to have children (this one is tough to fault)

Paring down the profiles to women who are fine with my age, accept that I’m a parent, don’t want more children of their own, and love the zip code I live in – leaves me with a few dozen profiles, and only a few women I’m attracted to, some of whom I already tried contacting when I was on the service years ago.

I don’t need an online service sending me a daily message that there are few women who want a man like me, and that there are many women who think they want someone very different. It’s a depressing thought. And I don’t believe it reflects real life.

Many women who have met me and ended up dating me didn’t picture themselves with an older single dad – until they got to know me.

Chemistry and attraction is something felt by the whole self (body, mind, soul) in real life; it can’t be articulated in checkboxes and online prose.

Online dating hasn’t worked for me. And I won’t be signing up for a daily dose of rejection any time soon.

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Texting vs Calling for a Date

dadshouse — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 11:55:55 +0000

I recently met a woman on craigslist. I know, I know, I’ve long said that online dating sucks. (It does.) But craigslist dating is different. The focus is on the event or experience, rather than making sure checkboxes align. I.e. instead of looking for a soul mate, you simply look for a fun date.

She was a single mom in my area, cute and athletic. I’m a single dad, smart and fit. She insisted she’d rather meet than chat forever. Fine with me! I’d love a sexy and fun date with her. But I wanted to at least talk on the phone first. I gave her my cell number, she called me, and we had great flirty chemistry.

“When are you free?” I asked.
“Not until next week,” she said.

We worked through our custody schedules and found a Thursday night that worked for both of us, and penciled each other in.

Now then – why not make actual plans on this first phone call? It’s a gut check, really. You hang up, think about it for a day or a weekend, and if you still have the urge and gumption to meet, you follow through.

The weekend came and went. I had my kids, and was busy as hell. It never entered my mind that I should call her. Come Monday, I realized we probably should have made plans already. I’m guessing there’s a dating rule that says “Don’t go out on Thursday night unless he calls the weekend before.” (Not that I care about rules, but some people do.)

I called and got voicemail. No problem, I left a message. Hi, how was your weekend, look forward to Thursday, give me a call, let’s make a plan, etc.

I didn’t hear back until the next night. She sent me a text that was somewhat vague: sure, let’s meet Thursday.

I texted right back and suggested a bar where we could meet for a late evening drink.

A few hours later (WTF! I just texted her. It takes her hours to respond?), she texted me back with her own suggestion to meet at the bar of an expensive restaurant in the early evening.

Sounds like she wants dinner, not drinks.

Truth be told, I’m now feeling nervous about the whole thing. This woman told me she got over 100 responses to her ad. She has no shortage of suitors. That she is texting me, and taking her sweet time between communications, and suggesting such an expensive place, makes me think she’s just fishing around for her best option. It wouldn’t be the first time a woman turned a simple craigslist meet and greet into an expensive meal.

And that’s the thing. This is a different woman. Maybe she really just likes the drinks at that place. Who knows? If she’d sent sexy texts, at least I’d know her intent.

Oh, how I pine for a rotary phone on my kitchen counter! No voicemail. No texting. Just conversation.

In the meantime, all I have to go on is my gut. And the advice of my readers…

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Burn After Reading Gets Online Dating Right

dadshouse — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 10:45:07 +0000

Have you seen the Coen brothers’ new movie, Burn After Reading? Let me tell you, they got the online dating right. (Thanks to one of my readers for pointing this out.) If you haven’t seen the movie yet, and don’t want it spoiled, stop reading now!

(Shameless name dropping: I was already a big Coen brothers fan, ever since Fargo, but even more so since I met Carter Burwell, the composer who scored most of their films. My garage band played a Silicon Valley party that he attended, and a mutual friend introduced us. He gave me tons of advice and encouragement to follow my artistic dreams, no matter what.)

Spoiler alert! In Burn After Reading, Frances McDormand’s character is a 40-something woman who is desperate to find a man to date. She ignores available suitors in real life and puts all her focus into dating online.

Watching her scan a list of online dating profiles was hilarious. Her reaction to the online dating profile photos spoke volumes. Loser. Creep. Ugly. Brad Pitt makes her stop and reconsider one potential match simply because the profile picture shows the man wearing an expensive name-brand suit. They make fun of the man’s glasses and some weird thing by his ear, but Frances dates him nonetheless. He’s a total mismatch, but she sleeps with him, anyway.

Later, she discovers he’s married.

I’m not surprised. Plenty of female friends of mine have met men online who were married and seeking affairs. A former buddy who is married was one of those guys.

It was funny how Frances’s character decides in a snap who she’ll date. She may have skipped over some great guys. Dating online makes it way too easy to judge and dismiss potential suitors as unworthy, and accept ones who maybe aren’t worthy enough.

When Frances goes to a park to meet a different online dating prospect, guess who’s sitting on a nearby park bench? Loser married guy in the nice suit! And he’s there looking to meet someone else. Too funny. Too true.

The previews for Burn After Reading show it to be a comedy about bungling spies. But the part I liked best was how it poked fun at online dating. Well done!

Click here to view the embedded video.

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Flirty Text Messages on Craigslist

dadshouse — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:46:38 +0000

Her Craigslist dating ad last Tuesday was simple and direct:

Summer Romance – I’m 35, attractive and active, take good care of myself. I’m educated with a successful career. Looking for an intelligent, fit, emotionally healthy man, 35-45. Let’s meet for drinks tonight and see where things lead.

Summer romance with an attractive woman who wanted to meet tonight? Sounded perfect to me. It was already 8:45pm, and she’d posted at 8:30pm, so I had a real shot. Some women dating on Craigslist received 300 responses per post. For a guy to get picked, sending the first compelling reply was key. I emailed a note and a pic of my smiling face.

Hey – I like how you sound. I’m a SWM, early 40s, educated, in shape, nearby. Drinks tonight sounds great.

The best thing about Craigslist is its immediacy. Forget match.com and yahoo personals with their checkboxed descriptions of an ideal partner, prolonged emails, and lengthy search for the one. On Craigslist it was all about who wants to meet right now? Chemistry is felt in an instant in person, after all. The important thing is to meet.

Half an hour passed.

Surely she’d picked someone by now. If she was real. I’d been around the block enough times that Craigslist burned me more than once. But I’d also met some really great women – for coffee, drinks, hiking, cycling, dinner. I just figure you have to break some eggs to make an omelet. And if said omelet is made for two the morning after an evening date? I won’t complain.

She sent an email. Her pic was attractive. Her note was brief:

Looks good. Where do you live?

I know enough not to give personal details online to a stranger, so I side-step questions like that. The key was to meet, especially when her ad said tonight. She was looking for summer romance, not looking all summer for the perfect partner. I wrote right back.

I’m one town over. Are you in the mood for cocktails or wine?

Another five minutes passed, not a good sign. She might be considering a handful of guys. And why not? If she was out clubbing, she’d have an entire venue of men to flirt with. Finally she wrote and suggested we chat on Yahoo IM.

Her: hi!
Me: hey, how are you?
Her: I’m good. Getting a little late.

(Fair enough, she’d posted an hour before.)

Me: I live nearby. Let’s meet right now and chat over drinks.
Her: that would be fun, but I have to get up early.

(Granted, it was a weeknight. But she’s the one who’d posted looking for tonight.)

Me: you’ll be in bed early. It’s just a drink
Her: maybe you want more than that

(From summer romance to one-night-stand – maybe she was testing my intentions)

Me: no, just a drink to see if we click. Summer’s just getting started. Plenty of time for fun.
Her: good! But I really do have to get up early. Maybe tomorrow night?

(Sigh. I wouldn’t push. Best to play on her terms.)

Me: I would, but I already have dinner plans with a buddy. Sorry.
Her: no problem. How about Thursday?
Me: sure! That would be great.

We agreed to chat some more during the day on Thursday to iron out plans. Craigslist immediacy was being tossed out the window, but at least I had a date. With an attractive, educated, sexy woman, no less.

On Thursday I couldn’t wait for our evening date. Drinks with romance potential. This could turn into a very good summer, indeed. Too bad we hadn’t exchanged cell phone numbers, we could swap some flirty text messages or actually talk. I sent her email. The response was immediate:

From: MAILER-DAEMON@yahoo.com
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message. That account has been deactivated.

Talk about simple and direct. Ah, Craigslist.

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