Dad’s House

My kids are back from vacationing with their mom, so I am no longer a lone wolf. It was a great three weeks running solo. Some highlights:

• Sailing
• Wine tasting
• Watching the end of Euro 2008
• Watching the start of the Tour de France
• Dates that didn’t pan out
• Dates that did (sorry, I don’t kiss and tell)
• Unmanly acts of Cooking and Reading
• Manly acts of Hooking Up (you’d love details, wouldn’t you…)

And with my kids here, we are promptly leaving for one of the best single parent vacations ever – to a SoCal beach house with my brother and his wife and kids. Woohoo!

While I’m gone next week, I’m leaving the keys to Dad’s House with some fabulous guest bloggers who I respect and adore. They each plan to take over a part of the house. You won’t want to miss it! Drop on by, weigh in with comments, visit their blogs, watch your karma grow.

And meanwhile, I’ll be hitting the beach with my kids and niece and nephew, sipping sunset cocktails with my brother and his wife. Can’t wait!

Hasta la vista, baby!

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Family Weekend
• Reggae Radio Bob Marley
• Um, Good Morning, America?
• Go, Daddy, Go! (But in Dockers?)
  

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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My sixteen-year-old daughter recently got her driver license, and I added her to my auto insurance policy. Despite her being a girl, getting good grades, driving only occasionally - her rate is through the roof, as it would be for any first-time driver.

At least I can split the cost with her mom. Right?

Wrong!

Insurance companies in California insure a driver for a specific car. They rated my daughter for my vehicle, but they won’t insure her if she drives her mom’s car. On the surface, that seems reasonable. We’re a two-home family and my daughter spends equal time with me and her mom. Two homes, two cars, two insurance policies.

Since she only lives with me half time, I should pay half as much to insure her. Right?

Wrong!

The insurance company explained it this way: your daughter has 24/7 access to your vehicle, so we need to insure her on it 24/7.

What a load of crap. My daughter only lives with me half time, and I only have one car. She has access less than half the time. Compared to other teens, that’s less than half as much chance for her to get into an accident in my car.

In a traditional (non-divorced) home with multiple cars, the teen gets rated for primarily driving one of the vehicles. However - if that car isn’t available, the teen is allowed to drive a secondary vehicle in the household, and they will be insured.

So, my ex-wife’s car be considered a secondary vehicle. Right?

Wrong!

The insurance company wants nothing to do with my ex-wife’s car. Unless… if my ex-wife moves her auto policy so we’re both insured by the same company, then they will create a policy that covers my daughter on both cars, without charging us double.

Sounds to me like single parents are being discriminated against by the insurance industry. Unless we’re willing to shill and sell an auto policy to our ex.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• You-Know-What-us Interruptus
• How to Talk to Your Daughter About Sex
• MySpace, Facebook, Yahoo IM - How Do Parents Eavesdrop Anymore?
  

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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This advice comes about nine months too late for the Gloucester High teenage girls with the pregnancy pact, but there’s been enough reaction to what they did that I figured some prevention talk was in order.

As a single dad with a teenage daughter, I have first-hand experience in giving the talk to a girl. I told my daughter about the birds and bees in explicit detail when she was eleven and heading into sixth grade. This in response to news that local 6th-8th grade boys were persuading girls to perform oral sex on them in the school bathroom.

My daughter and I talked for an hour. I wasn’t nervous, I remained calm and spoke openly. My candor eased her into having a real conversation with me.

1. Biology – I explained the reproductive system of men and women, building on whatever knowledge the school had given her. I asked leading questions to see what she knew, then wove in new information. I described intercourse. (I didn’t get into crazy monkey sex. I’ll leave that to Honey and Lance.)

2. Love – we talked about falling in love, getting married, caring unconditionally for another person, and how sex can enhance all that. Without getting into tantric sex, I explained that great sex can feel spiritual.

3. Enjoyment – sex feels good. If it didn’t, no one would procreate.

4. Entertainment – it’s possible to have sex for entertainment and fun, without being in love, and a lot of people do just that. It really helped having a visual aid for my daughter. I showed her the book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, and explained how hooking up and sex without attachment leads to empty feelings, not to mention the risk of disease.

5. STDs – some sexually transmitted diseases are passed through an exchange of fluids, and others from skin-to-skin contact. Safe sex, including condoms, is a must.

6. Peer pressure – we talked about how some people go along with the group, even if the choice is wrong. Locally, girls were told they had to give blowjobs if they wanted to hang out with the cool boys. Some were even promised the status of girlfriend. This gave the girls a sense of self-esteem that maybe they weren’t getting at school or at home. Problem was, the next day some of the boys turned a cold shoulder and moved on to their next conquest.

7. Oral – the boys in our local community were telling girls “it’s only a kiss, just not on the mouth.” So, yes, I explained to my daughter how oral sex is peformed. She was kind of grossed out (what eleven year old wouldn’t be?)

8. Parenting – I reminded her that having a kid changes the course of the rest of your life. Parenting is hugely rewarding, but also a giant responsibility. Let pregnancy happen when she’s ready for everything that goes with it.

My daughter asked great questions – Does it hurt? How old was I when I became sexually active? She called her aunt the next day with well-thought follow-ups.

The fact that I’m divorced and dating helped me relate. It also meant I felt a little awkward at times – like any normal adult, I usually have sex just for fun. Sometimes that’s with a Friend-With-Benefits or booty-call partner who I’m not in love with.

But I kept all the awkward feelings to myself. It was more important to arm my daughter with knowledge, and empower her to feel good about herself, enjoy sex when she’s ready, and become a mother on her own good time.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Who Needs Protection? It’s Only a One Night Stand
• My Daughter’s On Facebook – Can I Still Join?
  
• Honey and Lance.com: How Much Sex Ed Are You Giving Your Kids?
• Miley Cyrus Sexy Vanity Fair Pics – She’s Younger Than My Daughter
  

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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Two little lovers
Sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes baby in a baby carriage

Doesn’t always happen quite like that, but every new baby needs a name. And when the name picking happens in a stressful delivery room, well, … there lies the story.

Today on Silicon Valley Moms Blog, the topic is Birth/Adoption Stories. Writers from all the sister sites will share something in that vein. Does me being a man who has never been pregnant keep me from participating? No way.

My post today: Sex, Love, Marriage, Birth – Quick! Pick a Baby Name.

Last time I posted on SV Moms (Calling All Matchmakers), I took a beating in comments, getting called all sorts of names. It was truly a blood bath. But here I am, back for more.

Dad’s House readers are always welcome at the Moms. Come on over and leave your mark.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy my other SV Moms Blog posts:

• San Francisco Fireworks of Another Kind
• Tantric Sex
• Way Beyond Soccer Dad
• Calling All Matchmakers

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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Summer’s in full swing. Friends and family are taking trips, my kids are on vacation with their mom, making me a lone wolf reminiscing back to my best family vacations ever.

1. Santa Barbara Beach Vacation - my younger brother and I rented a house in Santa Barbara last year for our two families to enjoy for a week. The backyard had two decks, a hot tub, ping-pong table, BBQ grill, and a magnificent view of the Pacific Ocean. My kids were great baby-sitters for their toddler cousins, my brother and I cooked, and his wife enjoyed 7 days of relaxation. Our dinners were based on a food pyramid featuring cocktails at the base. (Martinis tonight? Let’s have steak! Sangria? Let’s make paella.) Two days after we returned home, my sister-in-law called to ask where we’d be going in summer 2008. (I’ll blog the answer to that in a few weeks.)

2. Virginia Farm Vacation - my older brother and his wife lived on a 200 acre farm in Virginia horse country. Talk about summer camp! My kids rode horses, played with three dogs, swam and fished in a pond, drove the tractor, swung on giant rope swings, collected eggs from the chickens, picked corn, shoveled horse shit in the stable. My kids were in heaven! (Not for the horse shit, but for the collective experience.) We also stole time in Charlottesville, walking the mall, strolling UVA (Wahoo-Wa), wine tasting, visiting Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello home. My brother makes a mean mint julep, btw.

3. Maui – Hawaii is great, and Maui is extremely family friendly. We had a blast! A lot of my friends take their families to the Grand Wailea, but we prefer the condo approach. We had funning hitting beaches like Kaanapali, swimming with sea turtles, exploring the Hana coast including its waterfalls and sea caves, watching a sunset from the top of a Volcano. Couldn’t have done all that while sitting by a fancy pool. We also went to the Big Island and took ranger hikes around the volcano, with a night-time visit to the active lava flows. It was unreal! Fires everywhere, streams of lava heading to the sea. We literally stood 3 feet from hot lava. Amazing!

4. Camping in Sequoia National Park – my kids and I like to car camp. We drive into a site, pitch the tent, get out our beach chairs, and while I sit relaxing, reading a book, my kids chop wood for the fire. (Give a kid an axe and some wood, and he/she can happily chop for hours.) We didn’t just sit around, of course - we did a ton of hikes, saw the General Grant and General Sherman trees, and generally explored nature. Smores and a roaring campfire made every night good.

5. Boston – on an east coast visit where we toured from New England through Manhattan and Philly to Virginia, Boston was our favorite stop. The city is walkable, with tons of interesting sites, especially the Freedom Trail. We saw the Old North Church, ate in the Italian North End, strolled The Commons, hung out near Harvard, rode the T (the subway). A highlight, for us, was hanging out for two hours in a North End café, watching World Cup soccer. Forza azzurri!

Looking forward to my kids getting back for my vacation with them this summer!

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Greg Norman’s Yacht has Nothing on This
• Family Weekend
• The Kids and their Mom are skiing for Ski Week… how can I compete?

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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If you’re like everyone else and his brother (or you’re a 2008 Stanford grad), you know all about Oprah’s book club selection earlier this year of Eckhart Tolle’s best-seller, A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. But if you’re the bastard second cousin who just says no to Ms. Winfrey’s literary recommendations or TV show, perhaps I can fill you in.

A New Earth is Tolle’s follow-up to The Power of Now. His essential premise is that the ego-based thinking most people do – you know, the part of you that wants this, hates that, needs something else to happen before you’ll be happy – is a dysfunctional way to live. Rather than dwelling on past and future events and resisting the present moment, you’ll best find peace and happiness through living in the now, the current moment. Being present.

What on earth does this have to do with parenting and dating? A lot.

If you’re pissed off about your circumstance – being a single parent, being divorced, lacking a relationship, enduring online dating, lacking booty, lacking intimacy, having a sexy moment interrupted by kids, feeling your opinions attacked, whatever it is – and you’re wanting, craving, lashing out, demanding change, then you’re stuck in thought and missing out on the simple joy of Being.

As Tolle writes, The joy of Being, which is the only true happiness, cannot come to you through any form, possession, achievement, person, or event - through anything that happens. That joy cannot come to you - ever. It emanates from the formless dimension within you, from consciousness itself and thus is one with who you are.

This doesn’t mean your situation won’t or can’t get better. It just means for right now, life is what it is. You exist. Why not enjoy it? Stop minding so much.

There are tons of books on learning to live a heartfelt life. What I like about A New Earth is Tolle’s mix of philosophy and straight-forward advice. For instance, he suggests when a parent is with a child, if the parent can be alert, still, completely present, not wanting anything other than that moment as it is – then you make room for Being. You stop being a father or mother, and you become Presence, beyond form, the timeless I Am. When the basis for your actions is inner alignment with the present moment, your actions become empowered by the intelligence of Life itself. Applied here, it sounds like a prescription for getting along with and loving your kids.

These concepts may be heady stuff for anyone who hasn’t delved into spirituality, especially Eastern modes of thought. But Tolle breaks it down further, suggesting there are three modes to help you enter life through the present moment, and align your life with the creative power of the universe.

• Acceptance – accept life as it is. Don’t assign blame. This doesn’t mean things can’t or won’t change for the better. It simply encourages a stillness to emerge. That peace is consciousness. Consciousness is your own responsibility, and it’s the first step toward self awareness.
• Enjoyment – enjoy what you’re doing. Don’t wait for something joyful to happen. You don’t need an event to occur. Joy is an aspect of Being. Infuse your activities with joy. It comes from within you. Allow yourself to feel that deep sense of aliveness.
• Enthusiasm – this is joy directed toward a goal. You’ll feel intensity and energy behind what you do. That’s the universal spirit. If the goal becomes more important than enjoying what you are doing, you’ll feel stress.

Things, emotions, thoughts, struggles – these come into our lives, seem all-important for a time, then disappear, dissolving back into the nothing-ness from which they arose. Resistance is futile and leads to intense unhappiness. Non-resistence brings freedom.

So - got a pile of dishes to do and no spouse to do it for you? Don’t bemoan your lack of a partner, or the present mess. Accept that you’re on your own right now. Enjoy the act of creating a clean and healthy environment for you and your kids.

Friday night and no date? Embrace it. Pay attention to sites, smells, sounds around you. Maybe you’ll read a good book, hit a coffee house, have fun at a bar, meet someone new at the supermarket. You won’t do any of those if you’re sulking, angry at the past, wanting a different future.

Cranky kids got you down? Acknowledge they are young, immature, childish. Be happy and grateful they are exploring their lives and surroundings, discovering their feelings, dealing with emotions, whatever it is. They are living. You are present.

I can’t possibly boil down Tolle’s book into a single blog post, but hopefully I’ve given a fair overview. It’s definitely a good read. And on that note, it’s time to get off my new-age soap box. Dad’s House will now return to non-Oprah programming.

(Is texting an ex for booty okay if it’s done with joy and enthusiasm?)

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
• How to Date Four Women at Once
• Tantric Sex (Dad’s House post on Silicon Valley Moms Blog)

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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I live hours from any family, so when my kids are with me it’s just me and them. (This is in sharp contrast to their mom who has parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, and aunts just minutes away.) Any time I get with my extended family is a treat, and Father’s Day weekend was no exception.

My kids and I drove from the Bay Area to my parents’ house on the Central Coast Friday, joining my younger brother and his wife and two-year-old twins who came up from LA. There was no agenda, which was perfect.

Some highlights:

• Big breakfast Saturday morning cooked by Grandma and Grandpa
• With cousins napping, my kids and I strolled around town, hitting surf shops, eating pizza, sipping cappuccino
• Everyone joined us at the plaza fountain for some toddler water play
• Frozen yogurt snack by the creek
• Back at Grandma’s we played Tantrix (a geometric strategy game. Not to be confused with Tantric sex)
• Grandpa BBQ’d while my brother and I made Sangria
• Carrot cake dessert is one of Grandma’s specialties

After dinner, when the two-year-olds were heading to bed, I dozed off on the couch. It was just a nap! When I woke refreshed, my kids and I stayed up till midnight watching Spy Kids and a Euro 2008 soccer game (we can watch any two teams play), all while playing more board games.

Father’s Day had all the necessities:

• Coffee
• Donuts
• Barnyard petting zoo
• Beach
• Another nap for me

No computers. No email. No blogs. No stress.

Just family.

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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When baseball, basketball, and football no longer hold their allure for this American dad, it’s safe to say a major transformation has taken place. My post today is over at Silicon Valley Moms Blog. Come see why I’m Way Beyond Soccer Dad.

(I promise I don’t wear makeup on the moms blog. Come on over and comment!)

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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When my daughter graduated 6th grade, she and her classmates were treated to a day in the park with classic summer camp games – balloon toss, three legged race, pass an orange down the line using just your neck and chin. With 70 kids attending, it took a crew of parents to put the event on. I followed my caveman instinct to fire and helped another dad man the grill.

I was in heaven.

It was one of those huge barbecue pits built out of brick and permanently cemented into a corner of the park reserved for groups. It had a grill suspended by chains, raised and lowered by a big iron wheel, big enough to cook a side of beef. Or 200 hot dogs.

“Okay, Dads,” the mom in charge said. “Ten minutes till lunch. Kids are hungry. Time to cook.”

No problem, the coals were ready. The other dad and I tore open Costco-sized packs of hot dogs and dumped wieners twelve at a time onto the grill. With a slew of hungry pre-teens to feed, we knew the importance of speed. In no time flat, we had all the hot dogs cooking.

We sat back on our heels, turning dogs with long forks. Apparently, we weren’t the only ones admiring our work. “You guys are experts!” Mom in charge said. Yes, we were. Heck, I wondered why we’d stuck to such a simple meal. We could have gourmeted things up with something like grilled asparagus.

In ten minutes, the first dogs were nearly ready, and kids were lining up.

“Is lunch ready yet?” a boy at the front of the line asked.
“Actually, it is,” I said. I pulled the first hot dog off and nestled it in a bun. Cooked to perfection. The boy was delighted.

The next few dogs came off looking the same. But as we pulled hot dogs off one-by-one, they started looking overcooked. We suddenly realized if one dog was done, all 200 were done. After all, we’d loaded the grill with such zeal, we practically started them all at once. We cranked the wheel to get the grill up from the flames, but it wasn’t enough. These dogs were cooked.

The other dad and I raced to get hot dogs off the grill. We didn’t have a big pan to them in, just bags of buns, a stack of paper plates, and a line of hungry kids. We hustled dogs into buns as fast as we could.

“Hey, mine’s black!” a kid said.
“That means it’s perfect!” I growled back.

Mom in charge saw our plight and came over to help. While I slung hot dogs for kids, she and the other dad piled charred meat onto plates. Smiling graduates frowned.

“I guess we should have spaced out the cooking,” I said.
“Ya think?” mom in charge said.

Lesson learned. In fact, this year when my son has his sixth-grade graduation party, I’ll be first in line to man the grill. I’ll bring the wisdom that hot dogs need to be cooked at a manageable pace. Only one thing, Mom in charge learned a lesson, too.

This year’s event will be catered.

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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Whenever my family talks about their favorite music era, the responses are all over the map. My dad likes the 40’s, my mom the 60’s, my younger brother the 70’s, my older brother the 80’s. As for me? Whatever is current.

My favorite stations include a local high school, a local college, and The One and Only Live 105. So when my kids and I were at a lacrosse playoff tournament this past weekend (which my son’s team won – gold medal, baby!), we thought it was tré cool that Live105 was there handing out stickers, magnets, and T-shirts.

“I really want a T-shirt,” my daughter said. “But you have to answer some alt-rock music trivia to win one.”

I was thrilled that my daughter had taken an interest in Live105. It wasn’t always like that. She pretty much boycotted my music and followed pop radio until she got in high school. When boys at her school learned that I liked the band Tool, which they also love, they told her never again to doubt my awesomeness. As dads go, I totally rocked.

“It’s Live105,” I said. “Whatever trivia question they ask, just say Joy Division. You’ll be fine.”
“No,” she said, tugging me onto my feet. “I want you to come win it for me.”

We walked over to the tent together, and I reveled in our alt-rock-ian bond. I thought back to a concert I’d taken my daughter to this past fall, Smashing Pumpkins at the Fillmore. She’d loved the show – the lights, the music, the intimate venue – everything but the pot smoke. (She’s an athlete and keeps her body super clean and healthy. Lessons learned from her marathon-running and century-riding dad, and her triathlon mom.)

“My dad’s going to win a shirt for me,” she told the radio people.

They looked at me, and I nodded confidently. This was a no-miss situation. Ever since high school, I could name any tune in seven notes. I knew bands, songs, musicians, weird connections between them all. (And I love a good contest.)

“Okay, great,” the perky radio intern said. “Name a Live105 band.”

Was this a trick question? Did she mean, Name a band made up of Live105 deejays and interns? Or name a band that got its break on Live105? Or name a band at the upcoming Live105-promoted BFD show? I turned to my daughter, a look of panic on my face.

“What about that band you told me before we came over?” she said.

Joy Division? Those alt-rock bastions featured in the film 24-Hour Party People? The band that became New Order? That couldn’t possibly be the answer. If anything, Live105 was a Joy Division station, not the other way around. Perky intern might not even know who they are.

“Any band on Live105 will do,” perky intern said.

I was sweating. My mind was blank. Then for some reason Jack White popped into my head.
“The Raconteurs,” I blurted. Where did that come from? And what was his other band?
“Great!” perky intern said. “Here’s the Tee.” She gave my daughter a shirt.

My daughter was thrilled. With my confidence restored, White Stripes and a million other band names flowed freely through my brain. As we turned to go, T-shirt in my daughter’s hand, her dad’s awesomeness returned to full throttle, I turned to perky intern and gave her one more band name.

“And Joy Division.”

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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