Dad's House » relationships

Male and Female Dating Perspectives

dadshouse — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:07:04 +0000

A couple I know met like this: he came into the store where she worked to buy things for his work, and saw she was hot, sexy and confident. They flirted and chatted and swapped phone numbers, started dating, and now they’ve been a happy couple for more than two years.

The other day, the guy told a more detailed version of how they met. Apparently, he used to shop at one particular store. Some buddies of his told him there was a hottie who worked at a different store, and she had the sort of look he liked in a woman. (e.g. redhead and curvy, or brunette and slim. You get the idea. I won’t give identifying details.)

He went out of his way to her store, specifically to meet her. He chatted her up, etc. Now they’ve been a couple for more than two years. (Talk about a happy ending.)

All the men who heard this story thought it was perfect. We were impressed! The guy moved out of his normal hunting ground to find the sort of woman he was attracted to. Like a lion, he pounced on his prey. He took a chance, made his move, and it paid off. Now he has a girlfriend and a solid relationship. Happy couples rock.

The women who heard this story, including the woman who the story was about, reacted in a different way entirely. They figure if this guy would go out of his way to meet a woman like her, what’s to stop him from going out of his way to meet a different woman in a different store – even now that he’s coupled up?

In short, the women saw his behavior as a red flag. To them, any man who would venture off the beaten path in a sneaky manner, to chase after a woman, is a man not to be trusted. He’s the type of guy who might engage in discreet affairs.

Now – I’m not saying all women would think this way. But it was striking how the men and women who heard the story reacted. When we heard this interpretation, we men were shocked. If we have a rockin’ good woman in our lives, we have no motivation to look elsewhere for someone else. Yeah, he changed his routine to meet the woman he’s dating now. But he has no reason to change it again.

Could be some of these women knew men who didn’t subscribe to this same philosophy. Or perhaps they don’t like that the initial attraction on his part was physical. Who knows.

At any rate, one take-home lesson is this: if you’re a guy, don’t tell the truth about how you actually met the woman of your dreams.

Just say whatever she wants to hear, and keep holding her close.

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Gold Diggers

dadshouse — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 10:15:44 +0000

A recent comment at Dad’s House touched a nerve with me. It reminded me of a problem I’ve had dating in Silicon Valley – some women seem solely focused on how much money they can get out of a man.

Not all women are like this. But some definitely are. I’ve seen it personally. Friends have, too. Gold diggers have been around for ages.

Here’s what happened: last week, I devoted a week’s worth of blog posts to vacations. I tried to tie in single parenting or family issues and stories, and I wrote about real vacations I’ve taken: Kilauea volcano lava flow on Hawaii’s Big Island, a Machu Picchu Peru vacation with a post-divorce girlfriend, and a Fiji tropical dream resort vacation I took when I was married.

A signal flare went up when a few people called me obnoxious for taking such exotic trips while they can barely afford to go camping.

Forget that I’d told of three trips taken over the course of twenty years. Envy raised its head.

I have to admit, I can relate a bit to feelings of envy. Whenever a single parent talks about having their kids with them every day of the week, I might feel a pang of jealousy. I only see my children half-time. In nearly ten years of divorce, I’ve missed out on five years of their lives. It sucks, but I don’t dwell on it, and I don’t complain. I try to focus on the good in my life.

A more stinging comment hit, though, when it was suggested all the women take turns being my “girlfriend” until they get a cool vacation out of me.

WTF? Am I just a wallet?

Granted, the comment ended with “hahahaha”, so the gold digger reference was clearly a joke. And I well know not all women feel this way. (To be clear, I’m not calling out or picking on the commentator. It was a joke. What she wrote simply touched a nerve.)

The problem is – some women really do feel this way about men.

I subscribe to the notion that deep in our psyches, women nurture and men provide and protect. I don’t mean to disrespect men like me who take care of kids, or women like my mom and every woman I’ve dated who work and have careers. It’s just a Mars/Venus difference that, for whatever reason, seems to exist between the sexes.

As such, a lot of women are looking for a feeling of security from men they date, and they size men up as to how well they can provide. Some men play along in this game, showing off expensive cars, watches, clothes, and taking women to fancy or exotic places. Some older men date younger women (and vice versa) just for this purpose. This is all fine, I suppose, whether there’s wealth or not.

But when the relationship dance becomes only about money, it’s a problem. For one thing, what happens if the perceived wealth isn’t there or dries up?

I’d personally rather connect on a more grounded level than just how much money I make, and how much money a woman wants to spend. After all, there’s always someone who makes more, and someone who wants to spend more. Especially in Silicon Valley.

For me, it’s more important how well a woman and I connect on a mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual level. The fun vacations will come (camping is fun!), as will the providing and protecting. But let those things come on their own, don’t hunt them out, and don’t give nothing back.

In short, women should know that’s not a wallet in my pocket – I’m just glad to see you.

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Relationship Test – Who Picked the Wedding Cake?

dadshouse — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:01:27 +0000

Whether you’re married or divorced, take this one question relationship test: who picked your wedding cake?

According to wedding planner Samantha Goldberg in an article she wrote for Cosmo, when the bride chooses the cake, it’s a sign she’s too controlling, and the couple may very well end up getting divorced.

The general concept sort of makes sense. Brides are often involved in every little detail of the wedding. What colors should the bridesmaids wear? Which flowers should decorate the church? What hors d’oeuvres should be served at the reception?

But if the bride is so controlling, she won’t even let the groom do one thing, like choose the flavor of wedding cake, it might be a sign the couple will have trouble making decisions together.

(In her article, Goldberg points out that it doesn’t have to be cake the groom chooses. She suggests it’s a good when the bride finds out how the groom wants to be involved, then gives him control in that area. That’s one sign of a happy couple.)

Thinking back to my own wedding, my bride was involved in every little detail, though she did consider my opinion when picking out our formal china pattern (flatware that we subsequently almost never used.)

The cake was more complicated. Together, we chose to split the cake into two flavors we thought our guests would enjoy. (Together! Great sign for a lasting marriage!)

But the top of the cake – the part we froze with the intention of eating one full year later to celebrate our first wedding anniversary, i.e. the lasting part of the cake that we shared in the privacy of our home – was something my bride picked out by herself. Carrot cake. She insisted on it.

We ended up getting divorced.

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Romantic Compatibility – On Paper

dadshouse — Thu, 14 May 2009 08:18:29 +0000

I recently had a first date with a woman who Chemistry.com told me I had romantic compatibility with. How well did they do? Granted, Chemistry’s romantic compatibility assessment was on paper. But I have to admit, they did pretty darn well.

Maybe too well.

Besides my date being attractive (a quality which has no dimension in Chemistry’s romantic compatibility test. After all, beauty can’t be found in a checkbox) – this woman had several qualities which I felt made her a great fit for me. She was:

Sexy
Educated
Spiritual but not religious
Self-aware
A good conversationalist
With a philosophical bent (she’d even read Ken Wilber’s views on sex and God.)

And there lay the problem. Our first date was so full of heady conversation, it lacked any… what’s the world… chemistry? (Ironic, no?)

Oh, I tried to flirt like crazy. We met for drinks in the candlelit bar of a nice restaurant, and our vodka martinis were perfect. But every time I tried to crack a joke or drop a pop culture reference, she’d drag things back to a serious note.

Seems she so trusted our romantic compatibility report, she didn’t feel a need to explore the unknowns between us. Instead, we talked about philosophical things. She even emailed me after the date, sharing her delight in the conversation we had. Which made me wonder – was our romantic compatibility such that if we dated, she’d expect deep conversations every night?

Don’t get me wrong, I like exploring the spiritual/psychological side of things. I’ve done my share of that here on my blog.

But a first date should be fun! There should be sparks, innuendo, wry smiles. I don’t expect things to build to a tantric-breathing finale of first-date sex. But I at least want to feel some heat.

Romantic compatibility is fine to compute on paper. But in the end, it has to be felt in person.

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Hot, Sexy, Single – Law of Attraction

dadshouse — Fri, 01 May 2009 09:02:39 +0000

I’ve been out of a dating relationship for several months now, and it’s driving me nuts. The lack of sex, lack of companionship, lack of emotional intimacy, lack of kisses and hugs.

Do you see a problem with my attitude of lack?

Sometimes I forget that I’d do well to keep an attitude of gratitude, and focus positively on the things I want to attract.

Like a hot, sexy, single woman to come into my life.

There’s a nice article over at I Date White about the Law of Attraction and how it relates to dating. It’s the idea from The Secret that what you put out into the universe will come back to you. It’s also the topic of a book from the 1920’s, The Game of Life and How to Play It (which you can read online for free.)

The main idea is this: rather than just wanting something, then going about your day with your same old thought-patterns and emotions, you need to teach yourself to want the feeling you’ll get when that desire manifests. After all, it’s the feeling that you’re really after, not some material thing. Right?

For instance: you might think you want a big house and a romantic partner. Okay, fine. What if that manifests… and your big house has a mortgage you can’t afford. And your partner doesn’t treat you well. Is that the feeling you wanted?

Maybe instead what you wanted was a feeling of security that can come from living in a comfortable house with a partner by your side. Focus on the feeling, allow it to blossom inside you, feel gratitude as if it’s already a part of you. You’ll find yourself drawn to situations that can help manifest what you want. Just keep in mind, the manifestation might not be the form you imagined.

Back to my hot, sexy, single woman. (Latina, perhaps?)

Note: the single part is important, else a married hot sexy woman might manifest!

If I imagine the feelings I want to feel when this hot, sexy, single woman is in my life – confident, potent, powerful, desired – then I will carry those feelings with me as I move through my day.

And what hot, sexy, single woman won’t be drawn to a man with those qualities?

In short – if you want a hot, sexy, single, romantic partner in your life, focus on the feeling you’ll have once that person manifests. Then let the Law of Attraction go to work.

Now then, if I could just imagine the feeling I’ll get when I’m spooning with a hot sexy single woman on a yacht as we sail around the British Virgin Islands…

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Wingin’ It With an Ex

dadshouse — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 09:03:55 +0000

Every so often, I send a text message to an ex-girlfriend of mine and ask how she’s doing. She always texts back – doing great. I follow that up with a text to see if she wants to grab a drink or maybe come over. She knows what’s on my mind…. after all, before we were exes, we were rockin’ lovers. She always texts back – I’m looking for more than just sex.

You might wonder why I don’t ask her out proper, and pursue an LTR. Basically, she wants to have kids, and my kids are old enough that I don’t want any more children. (i.e. we lack relationship compatibility.)

The last time I texted her like this, I left out the “come over” part. I seriously just wanted to grab a drink and catch up. I mean, we were together for quite a while. We still text occasionally. I’m friends with other exes. There’s no reason this ex and I can’t stay acquainted.

She texted her typical response: she wants more than just sex.

And then I turned the tables on her – I asked if she had any girlfriends she could set me up with.

That brought an interesting response. She texted no, her friends are married, but she’d keep an eye out for me. She then asked if I had any guy friends to set her up with. My response was similar: all my friends are married, but I’d keep an eye out for her.

The thing is, I’d be really happy if she found a great guy who wanted to have kids with her. And I sense she’d be happy if I found a woman who wanted to partner with me.

And so I suggested something else: how about we go to art festivals and concerts and do things together, and help each other meet other people. I’ll be her wingman, she can be my wing-woman.

I know from experience, when I’m out and about with an attractive woman, other women notice. I don’t know if it makes me look safe, or more desirable, or less like a creep. But definitely, when I’m with a woman who is not my girlfriend, other women make flirty eye contact with me.

My ex’s response? Great idea!

Looks like I have a partner in crime for summer art festivals!

Of course, we better watch out if it’s a summer art and wine festival.

A few too many Chardonnays, and we might end up going home with each other.

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Beginners Tantra – Sexy and Heartfelt

dadshouse — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 11:48:38 +0000

My Valentine’s Day rocked. I’m not in a dating relationship, and rather than be alone I attended a white tantra group seminar. White tantra is sort of beginners tantra – it helps ground your intimacy in a heartfelt way, preparing you for red tantra which mixes spirituality with sex.

In other words, we did a lot of breathing, and kept our clothes on.

Boring? Not at all. It was intimate, compassionate, grounding, and sexy. Here’s the rundown of my tantra for beginners night:

There were a half dozen women, and a half dozen men. All were singles, some had met previously, but overall we were strangers to each other. We sat in a big circle with an endless loop of new-agey chanting music playing softly in the background. (Trust me, it grows on you.) We took some big-ass breaths, let out some heartfelt Ommmmmms, and got on with the tantra lesson.

The instructor talked about tantric awareness, and how breath is at the heart of it all. Breath grounds you in the present moment. When you’re with another person, it’s your choice whether your connection is superficial or heartfelt. This is true in day-to-day life, or when you’re in bed having sex. (And it’s true whether your lover is a spouse, a sexy someone you’re dating, or a hottie you just met.)

Whether you’re having a marathon session of ass-slapping hair-pulling rock-star backyard sex, or a quiet sensual sexy bedroom moment with your lover – if you only focus on the sexual stimulation, the rush of good feelings will only last a short time.

Instead, if you make a heartfelt spiritual connection – by being totally present and aware of the other person’s spirit – then the moment becomes eternal. It’s that power of now thing. And it’s a solid foundation from which to venture into red tantric sex.

Keep in mind, sometimes the most sexually daring people have the biggest trust and intimacy issues. A heartfelt connection may seem tame on the surface, but for some will be painfully difficult to attain.

Our first exercise was to greet every person there, one on one, with a heartfelt and intense eye-to-eye gaze (i.e. soul-to-soul), emoting all the presence, tenderness, and compassion you can muster. And I do mean everyone. Men and women. Women and women. Men and men. This part was really fascinating – some people had no trouble standing close and emoting all the crazy sexy love in the universe to the other person, and being totally aware of that other person’s spirit. Others had intimacy issues, or were holding intense sadness or pain. It was also refreshing to genuinely connect with someone, rather than email/twitter/text them emoticons. By the end of the exercise, we’d removed all ego from the room, and fostered trust. It was a major kumbaya moment.

We did some other stuff that I’ll skip over, and then we were told to pair up, man and woman.

I had picked out two hotties who I wanted to do the one-on-one stuff with. I sort of hovered their general direction, and they came towards me. But of course the instructor promptly paired me with a woman who wasn’t even on my radar.

I think that was sort of the point.

Each woman laid down on her back, one hand on her heart, one on her lower belly. Each man put a hand on top of the woman’s belly hand. The idea was for the woman to let go completely, losing herself in her breath and energy, while allowing a man to be intimately close, with his hand erotically near her sex chakras, witnessing, watching, caring, breathing with her. (After a while, we switched places, and the men breathed, and the women witnessed.)

You can imagine this exercise might be hard for someone with intimacy issues. Some single parents, for instance, who can no longer intimately trust the opposite sex, or whose self esteem is damaged, might have trouble taking deep breaths like this. A few people in our group session really got a lot out of this exercise, and it felt good to help others work through trust issues. (I’m very open when it comes to one-on-one intimacy, so I had no problem doing this stuff. But it was a refreshing reminder about how to connect on a deep and genuine level. And that deep connection lays a basic foundation for red tantra and deeply intimate sex.)

Okay, that was the compassionate, grounding part of the evening. It probably sounds boring if you weren’t there. But it was a great way to open our hearts to each other. and to ourselves. At this point, we’d been there a few hours (endless loop of new-agey music!)

Our final beginners tantra exercise involved pairing up man/woman again. It promised to be even more intimate, and sexy as hell. (As sexy as you can get with your clothes on.) Instructor be damned, I went straight over to the woman I felt the most attraction and chemistry with, and told her she was pairing up with me.

She was pleased.

And on that sexy note, this beginners tantra post is getting way too long. I’m saving the sexy portion of my white tantra story for tomorrow.

Teaser alert: tomorrow’s white tantra post might include another color.

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