Dad's House » relationships

Supportive Partner in Marriage

dadshouse — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:37:38 +0000

I recently attended a writer’s conference where an author gave a speech meant to fire us up about our potential writing careers. You know the drill – work hard, don’t listen to the nay-sayers, be persistent, be patient, catch some breaks, be willing to go the extra mile.

The part that touched me most? When he spoke about his wife.

Before he was an author, this guy had a successful professional career. One day he realized he wasn’t happy living his life in that job. Deep inside, he desperately needed to write, and he wouldn’t be happy until he became a novelist. He took a few years to transition out of his professional career, scale back hours and salary, move his family someplace more affordable, and start writing novels.

I could relate completely! That’s pretty much my story in a nutshell. With one difference:

The author’s wife went along with his dream, supported his decision, agreed she was in it with him for the long haul.

My wife and I divorced.

It’s not fair for me to delve into the details of my divorce in a blog post. There are multiple sides to every story, and things are more complex than can be described in a paragraph or two. But the issue of me leaving a high-paying engineering career to become a writer was huge in my marriage. My wife didn’t want us to lose my salary, and she didn’t want to move someplace more affordable. She has family here. (Who can blame her?)

What happened, happened. You can’t change the past. I’m not pining for the marriage I had. I married young, discovered who I was and who I wanted to be, divorced, and changed my life path.

I am intrigued, though, when others do something that works. Like this author and his wife. Why is it that some couples believe in each other enough to stay together for the long haul? And other couples split up when one, or both, parties don’t get their way?

My usual marriage advice to young people is to wait, and only get married when you stop living your life based on someone else’s dream, and start living life by your own rules. And yet, this author didn’t do all that. He discovered his real self after his wedding vows were made. Somehow, he and his wife made it all work.

Moving forward, I don’t have a crystal ball telling me how things will work out. But I am playing the game of life by my own rules. I’m making different choices moving forward. I’m following my dream, working hard, ignoring the nay-sayers, being persistent, being patient, catching some breaks, going the extra mile.

And I only date women who are fine with all of that.

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Spooning Partner Needed

dadshouse — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 11:33:48 +0000

I’ve been divorced a long time, and I’ve had my share of girlfriends and lovers. But with half-time custody of my two kids, I go to bed solo way too much. Spooning isn’t even on the agenda.

Usually, I don’t let the lack of spooning bother me. I love caring for my children, and I know that putting them first in my life means dating takes a back seat. And I’m able to steal away time with a lover for sex and spooning often enough. (Details of which I rarely blog about. But when I do, I let it all hang out.)

But this week, I really missed having a nightly partner for spooning in bed.

It was just one of those weeks that ran me ragged. I had multiple writing deadlines to meet, and business meetings to prepare for. My son was out sick two days, and spent both at my house. There was a multi-home conflict that needed to be smoothed out through email. It rained quite a bit, so I wasn’t getting my running and cycling in. (Okay, I admit there’s a reason some people like weightlifting at the YMCA.)

By 7pm Thursday evening, with my kids at their mom’s house, I fell asleep on the couch. I just zonked out.

When I awoke a few hours later, ready to drag myself to bed, it hit me – I did not want to go to bed alone this night. I wanted a spooning partner to curl up with, cuddle and snuggle with. Someone to keep warm with when I’m feeling weary on a cold night. Spooning is a very good thing.

I didn’t want to go out on a date. I didn’t want to entertain a friend with benefits. I didn’t want car sex or couch sex or sex in the backyard.

I just wanted to spoon the night away with a woman who understood that sleeping and spooning with her this night really meant sleeping and spooning.

Blogging is one way to send a message of intention to the universe. So universe, listen up -

Wanted: one partner in spooning. Relationship potential a must.

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Marry Him! Lori Gottlieb Book Out Feb 4

dadshouse — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 11:30:41 +0000

What’s really important in a mate?

In her Atlantic essay, Marry Him, Lori Gottlieb suggested women should give up on the search for their ideal perfect man, and instead settle for Mr. Good Enough. That raised a worldwide ruckus, with countless articles and discussions on TV, blogs, radio, newspapers, magazines.

Her new book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (due in stores February 4, 2010, and available for presale now), takes things even further with an in-depth look at which factors really matter in choosing which Mr. Good Enough is, well, good enough.

But wait! You’re holding out for Mr. Right! Fine, but do you really expect some guy who’s a 10 to come galloping along? Or is an 8 good enough? And if so, which good enough 8 is right for you?

Lori’s book answers the questions: What does healthy compromise look like? How good is good enough? What will you value ten years down the road? Dad’s House took a look at the latter topic after my Turandot opera date spurred women to ask why I’m still single. Seems some single women look for different qualities than married women value in a man. And that’s part of Lori Gottlieb’s point.

For her book, Lori Gottlieb turned to experts: marital researchers, matchmakers, scientists, sociologists, divorce attorneys. And she applied their advice to her own dating life. As a human dating guinea pig, she put it all to the test. The book takes an often funny, sometimes embarrassing, serious and revealing look at Lori’s dating life. Was she successful in finding the right Mr. Good Enough for her? You’ll have to read the book to find out!

In her research, Lori Gottlieb found that women are pickier than men when looking for a mate. While men tend to look for a woman who is cute, warm, nice, fun, whatever – women have long lists with very specific details: tall, but not too tall; successful, but not a workaholic; blogs, but isn’t obsessed by blog stats; etc. (Is there a Mr. Good Enough Blogger in the house?)

With the help of experts, Lori Gottlieb hones in on what factors are most important for long-lasting relationships. The book seems a must-read for any single parent wanting to land a partner again, and for single women, whether older and ready to land a man now, or younger and not wanting to make the same delay-marriage-while-looking-for-Mr.-Perfect mistake that Gottlieb made. The book will help women consider their real requirements for a partner.

Marry Him is getting rave reviews from the likes of Juno director Diablo Cody, who says:

“What Lori Gottlieb is saying isn’t subversive – it’s smart. A thoroughly entertaining reality check, it will make single women laugh and squirm, and married people appreciate their spouses even more.”

Lori Gottlieb will appear on the Today show February 4, 2010 to talk about her book. The book will be discussed by the likes of Time, NPR, Oprah’s magazine, the Washington Post, Newsweek. (And DadsHouseBlog.com!)

Oh, and Marry Him was optioned for film by Spider-Man himself (Toby Maguire’s production company.) How cool is that?

As a single dad, I’ll be reading Lori Gottlieb’s book to learn which of my Mr. Perfect qualities are good enough for some of you women out there. (Haha. Just kidding. Though I will be reading the book.) I can’t wait for the book’s February 4 release.

Marry Him seems a great way for any single woman to gear up for Valentine’s day. Rather than spinning your wheels with unrealistic notions of romance that lead to bad dating choices, read the book and learn how to find a good enough man who is right for you.

ORDER NOW! Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb

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Tiger and Elin – Can Marriage Survive an Affair?

dadshouse — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:33:14 +0000

Tiger Woods allegedly had an affair.

Er, make that multiple affairs.

Not with one mistress, but rumors say with nine.

Head over to the Hot Dads Blog for a discussion about marital infidelity.

Should Tiger and Elin Stay Married?

(If that preprogrammed link doesn’t work, head straight to Hot Dads Blog.)

Remember, Tiger’s transgressions are alleged. We don’t know details. We’re not here to judge. But celeb rumors sometimes provide talking points for debate.

Tiger and Elin image uploaded by Higherimages, some rights reserved.

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Tiger Woods Affair Scandal Now Pathetic

dadshouse — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:26:11 +0000

When Tiger Woods, the world’s greatest golfer, got in a one-car accident, the web was abuzz – but I couldn’t care less. When rumors swirled that Tiger had an affair, and his wife Elin Nordegren found out and went ballistic – I thought it best to let them work it out in private. When golfer Jesper Parnevik ripped Tiger Woods and apologized for introducing Elin, his former nanny, to Tiger – I thought things were going a bit too far.

But when it was leaked that Tiger Woods is paying people to keep quiet – including paying off his wife – I felt the whole damn thing had become woefully pathetic.

Tiger’s Affair

Let’s be clear – Tiger apologized on his website for “transgressions” that let his family down. There’s a woman who claims she was his lover for 2 ½ years, with a voicemail from Tiger saying she should change her voicemail greeting so as to hide her identity from his snooping wife. It’s pretty clear Tiger cheated on his wife. That sucks. (Note to anyone having an affair – even sexting your lover on a pre-paid phone can be found out.)

Did the Tiger Woods car accident warrant media attention? I don’t think so. He makes money from golf and pitching products, not directly from his image. When Jon and Kate Gosselin’s marriage fell apart, they deserved all the public scrutiny. They made their money from a reality TV show that showcasd their family life. Same with Miley Cyrus nude in bed photos. Hers is a billion dollar franchise made from a good girl image. Tiger Woods is different than them, and deserves to be left alone.

Tiger’s Wife Elin Nordegren

When I read a great article by Jessica Ashley at Yahoo Shine on what Elin should do next – Elin had already bashed out the windows of Tigers car, supposedly in a ballistic rage – I really felt bad for Tiger Woods’s wife. She didn’t ask for any of this. Just as other wives of philandering husbands didn’t ask for their husbands transgressions.

As an aside, I was irked by the last lines of the Yahoo article: “if she needs a friend to go at the rest of the windows, pass the golf clubs, Elin. I’ve got your back.” – WTF? Since when is domestic violence a healthy response to anything? And since when is it patently healthy for the sisterhood to agree with each other, not knowing any of the facts? I’m not defending Tiger’s actions, but no one really knows what anyone did.

Swedish Golfer Jesper Parnevik

Elin was Jesper Parnevik’s nanny back in the day, and Jesper introduced her to Tiger Woods. After Tiger’s discreet affair business became public, Jesper ripped Tiger, saying “I have lost all respect for him, primarily as a man and a father.”

I get Jesper’s point, but why be so public in airing your opinion? I had a buddy who chased women behind his wife’s back and asked me to lie to her about it, and I told him to f*** off. I ended our friendship. But I didn’t get on a soapbox and piss all over him in public. We’ve all sinned. No man is above another. Jesper – apologize all you want to Elin. Rip Tiger Woods all you want in private. But is there any need to take it public like you did?

Tiger Woods Prenup Renegotiated

It was leaked that Tiger and Elin are renegotiating their prenuptial agreement, giving her a reported $75 million immediately. He is allegedly paying her off so she’ll pretend that she forgives him, and she’ll continue playing the part of his wife in social settings.

To which I say: WTF!!!!!!!

I can forgive moral indiscretions without condoning them.

I can turn the other cheek.

But when someone uses their billion-dollar wealth to manipulate the behavior of other people and buy the image they are trying to project, I think it’s woefully pathetic.

Hey, Tiger – how about losing the Tiger Woods corporate enterprise image, and start being a human being. i.e. Someone with a heart and soul.

To err is human. To act like one is divine.

Tiger Woods photo by Keith Allison, some rights reserved.

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Male and Female Dating Perspectives

dadshouse — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:07:04 +0000

A couple I know met like this: he came into the store where she worked to buy things for his work, and saw she was hot, sexy and confident. They flirted and chatted and swapped phone numbers, started dating, and now they’ve been a happy couple for more than two years.

The other day, the guy told a more detailed version of how they met. Apparently, he used to shop at one particular store. Some buddies of his told him there was a hottie who worked at a different store, and she had the sort of look he liked in a woman. (e.g. redhead and curvy, or brunette and slim. You get the idea. I won’t give identifying details.)

He went out of his way to her store, specifically to meet her. He chatted her up, etc. Now they’ve been a couple for more than two years. (Talk about a happy ending.)

All the men who heard this story thought it was perfect. We were impressed! The guy moved out of his normal hunting ground to find the sort of woman he was attracted to. Like a lion, he pounced on his prey. He took a chance, made his move, and it paid off. Now he has a girlfriend and a solid relationship. Happy couples rock.

The women who heard this story, including the woman who the story was about, reacted in a different way entirely. They figure if this guy would go out of his way to meet a woman like her, what’s to stop him from going out of his way to meet a different woman in a different store – even now that he’s coupled up?

In short, the women saw his behavior as a red flag. To them, any man who would venture off the beaten path in a sneaky manner, to chase after a woman, is a man not to be trusted. He’s the type of guy who might engage in discreet affairs.

Now – I’m not saying all women would think this way. But it was striking how the men and women who heard the story reacted. When we heard this interpretation, we men were shocked. If we have a rockin’ good woman in our lives, we have no motivation to look elsewhere for someone else. Yeah, he changed his routine to meet the woman he’s dating now. But he has no reason to change it again.

Could be some of these women knew men who didn’t subscribe to this same philosophy. Or perhaps they don’t like that the initial attraction on his part was physical. Who knows.

At any rate, one take-home lesson is this: if you’re a guy, don’t tell the truth about how you actually met the woman of your dreams.

Just say whatever she wants to hear, and keep holding her close.

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Gold Diggers

dadshouse — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 10:15:44 +0000

A recent comment at Dad’s House touched a nerve with me. It reminded me of a problem I’ve had dating in Silicon Valley – some women seem solely focused on how much money they can get out of a man.

Not all women are like this. But some definitely are. I’ve seen it personally. Friends have, too. Gold diggers have been around for ages.

Here’s what happened: last week, I devoted a week’s worth of blog posts to vacations. I tried to tie in single parenting or family issues and stories, and I wrote about real vacations I’ve taken: Kilauea volcano lava flow on Hawaii’s Big Island, a Machu Picchu Peru vacation with a post-divorce girlfriend, and a Fiji tropical dream resort vacation I took when I was married.

A signal flare went up when a few people called me obnoxious for taking such exotic trips while they can barely afford to go camping.

Forget that I’d told of three trips taken over the course of twenty years. Envy raised its head.

I have to admit, I can relate a bit to feelings of envy. Whenever a single parent talks about having their kids with them every day of the week, I might feel a pang of jealousy. I only see my children half-time. In nearly ten years of divorce, I’ve missed out on five years of their lives. It sucks, but I don’t dwell on it, and I don’t complain. I try to focus on the good in my life.

A more stinging comment hit, though, when it was suggested all the women take turns being my “girlfriend” until they get a cool vacation out of me.

WTF? Am I just a wallet?

Granted, the comment ended with “hahahaha”, so the gold digger reference was clearly a joke. And I well know not all women feel this way. (To be clear, I’m not calling out or picking on the commentator. It was a joke. What she wrote simply touched a nerve.)

The problem is – some women really do feel this way about men.

I subscribe to the notion that deep in our psyches, women nurture and men provide and protect. I don’t mean to disrespect men like me who take care of kids, or women like my mom and every woman I’ve dated who work and have careers. It’s just a Mars/Venus difference that, for whatever reason, seems to exist between the sexes.

As such, a lot of women are looking for a feeling of security from men they date, and they size men up as to how well they can provide. Some men play along in this game, showing off expensive cars, watches, clothes, and taking women to fancy or exotic places. Some older men date younger women (and vice versa) just for this purpose. This is all fine, I suppose, whether there’s wealth or not.

But when the relationship dance becomes only about money, it’s a problem. For one thing, what happens if the perceived wealth isn’t there or dries up?

I’d personally rather connect on a more grounded level than just how much money I make, and how much money a woman wants to spend. After all, there’s always someone who makes more, and someone who wants to spend more. Especially in Silicon Valley.

For me, it’s more important how well a woman and I connect on a mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual level. The fun vacations will come (camping is fun!), as will the providing and protecting. But let those things come on their own, don’t hunt them out, and don’t give nothing back.

In short, women should know that’s not a wallet in my pocket – I’m just glad to see you.

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