Dad’s House

David Mott is on vacation this week, but he invited his favorite bloggers to take over Dad’s House while he’s gone. Today What Men Think pokes around the walk-in closet…

Jimmy Choo Pumps. $600
Louis Vuitton Hand Bag & Wallet. $2500
Chanel Sunglasses. $300
True Religion Jeans. $250
Ed Hardy Basic Tee. $60
Tiffany & Co Pendant. $950
Victoria’s Secret Bra & Panty $75
Dior Watch. $1800

Total? $6535

This would be the average of what I see on Rodeo Dr. or Melrose Ave. in Los Angeles, California. Fortunately, most of America isn’t like Los Angeles. Unfortunately, this is a pretty thrifty outfit for many in Hollywood (including the men).

If I didn’t have to dress up for my business, I would wear a plain T-Shirt and Jeans/Shorts most of the time. Men are simple when it comes to fashion. We like simplicity and comfort. I state on my “About the Blogger” section that I like “back to basics fashion”. I think that a healthy body looks great in a pair of blue jeans a simple white t-shirt. Health and simplicity is a timeless fashion. I see a lot of women get preoccupied with the latest trends and designer goods.

Sadly, the truth about, “What men think about luxury fashion?”
Answer, “Huh?” Don’t ask a man about women’s fashion.

Can I get an amen?

© 2008 What Men Think. All rights reserved. Published by DadsHouseBlog.com with permission from the author.

David Mott is on vacation this week, and guest bloggers have the keys to Dad’s House. The party continues today as Lance from HoneyAndLance.com hangs out at the pool and offers dating advice for 40-something men… (btw - if that brunette is still in the Dad’s House pool when I get home, she can stay for good - DM)

Since DM talks a fair amount about dating as a single parent, I thought I would try my hand at some dating tips aimed specifically at DM’s demographic, that is forty-something single men. Since I’m not a forty-something, this is partly based on what I understand about the principles of attraction, but also what I know from a few guys I’ve talked to. Much of this advice would work for a woman also (I think).

Before we start, I want to establish something right out of the gate. Forty-something men are usually looking to date younger women. Shocker, right? That’s a reality, and you can find overwhelming evidence on every online dating site where older guys post their preferred age range. If you’re a younger, attractive woman on one of these sites, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not hating, I’m saying that’s the way it is.

Alrighty, here’s my advice for 40+ guys looking to snag/shag younger women.

Get a cool haircut. If you’ve got a dorky haircut, time to ditch it. Grow it out a bit, go to an expensive stylist and tell them you want to look cool. You don’t have to look like a rock star, but you certainly don’t want to look like the Geico rep either. This is an actionable item right now.

Get some cool threads. This one is huge. In your off hours, make sure you don’t dress like the high school physics teacher. Find a look that suits your body type and get clothes that flatter. Are you tall and thin? Try the long sleeved shirts from Express. If you’re the clean cut type, shop Banana Republic. Also, get a couple pairs of expensive jeans, like don’t be afraid to blow $150 or more on a pair. Also, buy some expensive shoes, again well over $100. Women notice this stuff immediately. Young women will see that you’re hip and with it. This is another actionable item.

Find Commonalities. This includes music, television, movies, websites, books, places to eat and go out, etc. Hey, if you’re going after the 28-year-old hottie and you’re 45, you better know who Incubus is when she starts telling you about their latest concert. Find out what the young chicks are into. If you’re woefully behind the times on music, I suggest spending an afternoon browsing Youtube vids or listening to Pandora.

Play sports or go to the gym. DM is in terrific shape so this doesn’t apply to him, but if you’re a forty-something and obese and balding, you’ve got no shot at the young babes unless you happen to also be a billionaire or Salman Rushdie. Get your butt to the gym and burn off the spare tire. You’ll look better, feel better, and be better positioned to attract any woman.

Be social. Can’t emphasize this enough. This means going to bars and social venues and interacting with the younger set. I would go further and try organizing parties at your house or forming a social group based around your interests. You’re never too old to throw a pool party on a Saturday afternoon or organize a cool dinner party. Don’t limit yourself to online dating…take charge and be a social organizer.

The great thing about throwing parties is that it gives you an excuse to talk to women. That’s right, go to a nice bar on a Friday night with your buds, open the hotties, and towards the end of the interaction invite them to the pool party you’re throwing at your pimp pad in two weeks. Get a number or a Myspace address while you’re at it. It’s much easier to number close if you have something of value to give the chick, that value being the great party you’re inviting her to.

Make a Myspace or Facebook page. It’s dawned on me in the last few months how relevant social networking is to dating, and how effective a good page can be. Race and Kelly, who specialize in social network game, say having a good Myspace page is like having a PR firm working for you 24/7. I totally agree. Get yourself an account, customize it, and put tons of good pictures on there. Not only will this help get you noticed, but it’s a great way to screen potential dates. It’s also easier to get someone’s Myspace info than getting a phone number.

Those are some of the basics to make you more attractive to younger women. Since you’re a 40+ guy, I’m assuming you’ve got your money handled and a solid place to live, which solves much of the social value problem. Keep in mind, chicks are looking for confident, ambitious, secure men, and you’ve already got that. Do the stuff above and you’ll be fun and cool too.

Ladies, do you agree or disagree?

© 2008 HoneyAndLance.com. All rights reserved. Published by DadsHouseBlog.com with permission from the author.

Over the long weekend a buddy and I spent a day wine tasting in the Santa Cruz mountains. Which is to say, rather than tasting we socialized and drank. As it should be for a single dad like me. (My buddy is married, which could spell wingman trouble, but he’s a good and respectful companion, not someone who lies to women.)

No matter the region - Napa, Sonoma, Monterey, Paso Robles, Santa Barbara, Santa Ynez, Santa Cruz – wineries are great places for singles to meet. Simply step up to the tasting bar next to a pair of attractive women. In ten minutes, you can rub shoulders, engage in conversation, amuse with wit. And you don’t have to know a thing about wine. If the tasting ends with no connection, everyone goes their merry way. But if there’s a spark or you simply get along, you can suggest meeting up at another winery. All these things happened this past weekend, so it was a typical good day.

And then I fell hard for one of the pourers.

We entered a less-trafficked winery and she immediately turned my head. Thirty-something, cute, athletic, nice smile, a little shy. Like an older, down-to-earth, Lost in Translation Scarlett Johansson. Now then, when it comes to bars and clubs, I have practically no game. I’m terrible at approaching women, making small talk, flirting and raising the heat. But in a tasting environment or a bar in a nice restaurant where the banter is witty and low key, I definitely hold my own. And so it was with all the confidence in the world that I stepped up to the bar right in front of this pourer.

For story-telling purposes, I’ll leave out the wine pouring small talk and cut straight to the chase.

There were horses near the winery and one galloped into view. The pourer was wearing Wranglers, an aggie-style jean. I asked if she rode.
“No,” she said.

Okay, no problem, I’d try a different approach. Country music played softly on the radio, and I’m more of an alt-rock fan. Everyone has their preference. I asked the pourer what music she liked.
“Country,” she said. It figured. “And alt-rock.”

Ding-ding-ding!

I immediately told a funny story involving San Francisco’s infamous alt-rock radio station, the One and Only Live105.
“Live105,” she said. “Is that classic rock?”
Um, no.

So much for that tack. I looked for another approach. She was in great shape, lean and strong, so I figured sports and activity might be my in. I asked if she was a gymnast.
She brightened. “I used to be! Now I run marathons.”

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

This time I had her, for sure. I’d run seven marathons in my day, before sore knees encouraged me to take up cycling. Turns out she’d run two, including Boston. That meant she’s fast, since you actually have to quality for Boston. She’d run the 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
“Have you run Boston?” she asked.
“No,” I said. My marathon best was 3:29, and I needed a 3:15 to qualify. “Missed it by fourteen minutes.”

She raised her eyebrows, as if surprised I was slower than her. Whatever. Everyone’s different, and no two races are the same. That she was faster didn’t make me feel unmanly. But the conversation sputtered. She wasn’t giving me an inch, let alone opening up, and I resigned myself to having struck out.

As my buddy and I finished our last taste of wine, we chatted about the Tour de France. Cycling is one of my favorite sports. Turns out the pourer was just getting into cycling for triathlons. Wish I’d known that right off the bat. Oh well, We drained our glasses and left.

Outside, my buddy berated me for not getting her phone number.
“She deflected everything I tossed at her,” I said.
“You could have invited her cycling.”

Good point. But my flirtatious energy had been sapped, and I needed to gear up for another winery. After all, there were sure to be more singles at the next wine tasting bar.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Supermarket Dating – Cure for the Common Online Date
• How to Marry a Millionaire
• Best Single Parent Family Vacations EVER
  
• Is the Dating Pool Really That Small?

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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With my kids on vacation, and given my dislike of online dating, you might wonder how I actually meet someone new. Here are some ways to say hello to a stranger.

1. I couldn’t help noticing you, and I wanted to say hello – when I first heard this, I thought it was the cheesiest pick-up line ever. But a former girlfriend of mine told me it actually worked on her, as long as it sounded heartfelt. And she’s right! It’s worked plenty for me. Use this in a bar or coffee house. Anyplace where you catch eyes with someone across the room.

2. You ladies look like you’re having fun – use this when you approach a group of women. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing; if they’re out together, chances are at least one of them will want to meet a man. And believe me, if there’s only one at the table who is available, if you’re a quality guy the others will let you know who she is. The great thing about this line is it doesn’t commit you to any one woman. It’s flattering to all of them and gets them all involved in the conversation.

3. Good book? – perfect for a coffee house, the park, or the beach. That is, if you can find someone reading. A lot of times people are staring at laptops, cell phones, and blackberries, texting away. But if you do find someone with a book, it’s a good start. If you haven’t heard of the book, ask them about it. Or ask them for other titles they’ve liked. An alternative to try with someone who is texting: nice text message? (Ha! Leave those tech gadgets at home!)

4. Have you been here before? – (or the cheesy counterpart, Come here often?) This is great when you’re in line, or at the bar, waiting to order. I used this line to hit on a woman in front of my son, and it works. What do you like here? is an easy follow-up. DO NOT ask What’s good, or What do you recommend, because those questions force the person to offer their opinion as a critic. No one wants to give bad advice. Telling you what they like tells you something about them, and that’s flattering already.

5. Hi, I’m David – just saying Hi and giving your name can actually work if you’ve made some eye contact, and there’s an obvious charge. I saw this in the film American Gangster when Denzel Washington meets Miss Puerto Rico. Whether art imitates life, or life imitates art, doesn’t matter – they’re one in the same.

For the single parent in the park or at the beach, say ANYTHING about the kids. For instance:

1. Which one’s yours? – you learn a lot by their response. The rascally boy (she likes a man who isn’t tame), or Miss Never Wants to Get Dirty (her own life is too tame, and she wants some action)

2. Cute kid! – complimenting a parent on their child is an instant winner

3. Can we pet your dog? - getting your kid to pet their dog allows you two adults to talk

Now put yourself out there wherever singles hang out.

Smile. Be noticed. Say hello.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• How to Pick-Up a Woman in Front of Your Son
• Supermarket Dating - Cure for the Common Online Date
• The Apple Store - Best Place for Singles to Meet?
  

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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The Dad’s House I ROCKED THE HOUSE: First Date Tips and Horror Stories Contest has come to a close. Eighteen self-selecting bloggers submitted entries for a chance to win the $25 Amazon eCard First Prize and $20 eCard Second Prize.

There can only be one true champ (scroll to the bottom for that result). But in my book, everyone’s a winner:

First Date Horror Stories

• Best Fuzzy Picture Sent Through Craigslist: Kat Wilder’s date at a bakery cum coffeehouse
• Best Use of a Drunk Psycho Dude: Mapi Princesa and her date from hell in Ecuador
• Best Beer Goggle Pickup: DC Nicole is saved by a beer at the cinema
• Best Angry Texting: Lisaq of 40s Singleness and her Most Bizarre Date Yet, a dinner date with a horny guy who clearly has anger texting management issues
• Best Erectile Dysfunction Product Placement: QTMama and her dinner date companion with a Cialis burning a hole in his pocket
• Best Check Splitting: One Date Wonder and her date who tallies every last cent of the dinner check
• Best Wet Dream (It’s a Metaphor, People): What Men Think and a drunk doe-eyed girl in white pants and black thong. What’s not to like about that?
• Best Blood Effects: Uncabled Heart and a Starbucks blind date with a bleeding nose
• Best Lactating Breasts: SingleMomSeeking on her first date as a nursing mom

First Date Tips

• Best Limo Ride From the Airport: Backpacking Dad’s creative suggestion to take a limousine from SFO to Golden Gate park
• Best Advice Involving a Goldfish: Happy Healthy Hip Parenting with tips for a First Date: How to Avoid Having it Be Your Last
• Best Pop Cultural Reference to Survivor: Diane from The Women’s Dish laments the modern fad of daredevil dates
• Best Embrace of Humidity: The Exception offers some great first date ideas, from outdoor concerts to wandering the wine country
• Best Wildebeest Impersonation: Lance from Honey & Lance on a first date video store pickup with an explosive climax
• Best Use of Blindfolds: Cathouse Teri’s sensual fantasy about getting to know someone inside-out. Sex first, questions later

Great First Dates

• Best Masturbation Lead-In: Honey from Honey & Lance on a first date so perfect, it turned into her current relationship
• Best Bearded Biker: Ms. Single Mama falls for a bearded biker and his Harley
• Best Use of Cleavage: Evil Woobie on cleavage and a twenty-sided dice

And the Winners are…

Honorable Mention - Mapi Princesa. Her date from hell in Ecuador was a true nail-biter, worth calling out for mention.

Second Place, and a $20 eCard goes to – What Men Think! And his First Date Horror Story.

Like I said in the contest description, humor is a good thing. I found this post Laugh My Ass Off funny. From the doe-eyed girl wearing white pants and a black thong, to the Halloween motif with a sailor suit that might have been a school-girl costume (does it matter?), What Men Think gave us details that just can’t be made up. And between a passed out girl in his car and his gentlemanly instincts, there were enough plot twists to keep me riveted.

Congratulations, What Men Think!

First Place, and a $25 eCard goes to – Honey! And her Perfect First Date.

This had a lot going for it – sexy preparation tips for a woman (shower, shave, blow dry hair, masturbate), great advice for meeting (someplace with beer, within walking distance of home – so you don’t need a ride, but if you want the other kind of ride, you can get one), clothes ripping, fingernail scratching, ravenous sex (multiple times). Her entry was part story, part advice column, with a perfect blend of straight talk, humor, and sex.

Best of all, it’s a true story – they’re still together!

In Honey’s words, a first date is a delicious combination of strategic planning, thinking on your feet, witty conversation, and natural sexuality. Making rules and not being afraid to throw them out the window. Taking something that was born to be a cliché and making it your own.

Congratulations, Honey!

Thanks to everyone who participated. There were definitely some great posts. Be sure to check them all out!

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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While promoting Mary Pol’s new book, SingleMomSeeking’s Rachel Sarah recently blogged about the event that led to Mary’s child:

Then, there’s this one-night stand with an adorable but jobless guy ten years her junior — and, oops, they didn’t use a condom.

Oops? Excuse me, but I think that qualifies for more than an ‘oops’.

When two people are in a relationship, it’s their choice whether to use protection during sex or not. Maybe they’re in love, maybe not. Maybe they want to start a family, maybe not. Maybe they’re willing to live with the consequences, maybe not.

But for a one night stand? Having one-night-stand sex without protection is crazy. And socially irresponsible.

I’m not judging anyone. We all make mistakes. Lust and passion are strong elixirs. People get tipsy, fool around, hormones rage, stuff happens. And even when condoms are used there can be problems. The condom can break, be ineffective, or even fall off.

But choosing not to wear one is a far different beast.

First date sex rarely leads to a lasting relationship. A one night stand is just that, one night together. Chances are two people having casual sex together have had casual sex with other partners. The risk of STDs is significantly higher for them.

To be sleeping together without protection risks you, your partner, and the entire dating pool to disease.

A female friend reminded me that some guys absolutely insist on unprotected sex. They just don’t like the feel of condoms. They’ll ask, beg, plead, cajole to have bareback sex. Some act needy and wounded to trigger a woman’s nurturing instinct. Some play the co-dependent shame game and guilt her into going along with the idea. They’ll say whatever it takes to persuade her into letting him dip his stick without a glove.

Women – just say NO to these assholes!

These men are employing psychological manipulation of the worst kind. They are putting you at risk, and every one of your future partners at risk. They are peeing in the dating pool. These jerks need to be stopped, cold.

As a single dad out there dating and relating, I need to know my partners practice safe sex, same as I always do. And as I continue the ongoing dialog I have with my teenage daughter about sex and intimacy, I’ll make her aware of this issue. She already knows there are men who use physical force to have sex with women, and one defense is a hard knee to the groin.

That same knee might come in handy against guys who insist on one night of condom-free sex.

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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Suffering from a common online date? Symptoms include:

• Coffee date drudgery – you meet (ignoring all other available singles in the café because this person’s online checkboxes matched yours), and you go through your standard Q&A bull session like it’s a job interview because you haven’t learned how to pump up your conversations, and despite quickly realizing there’s no chemistry, you keep talking until you’ve run out of latte.

• Fuzzy photos – irregularities like pics that don’t match the person who showed up to meet you.

• Unfulfilled expectations – you wink at, favorite, or email someone you like, then you wait. And wait, and wait, … and wait… Chances are you’ll never hear back. Maybe they aren’t paying members. (Then why is their profile still up showing all those cute hottie photos? Um, because it attracts new subscribers?) Maybe their inbox is full. Maybe they just suck at being nice.

• Dinner whores – sorry, it happens too much not to mention. A dinner whore gives you dining companionship in return for you picking up the tab. [Ed. Note: I'm old school and believe the man should pay. My problem with dinner whores is the women who have no intention of dating you or even considering you as a relationship option, they simply want a free meal from whatever man will pay.]

• Feelings of de ja vu – didn’t you see that exact same person’s photo on the other dating site you subscribed to three years ago? The dating pool is only so big.

• Scanning profiles on a Friday night – when you could be hanging out with friends, sharing a cocktail, enjoying a meal, watching a show, or just plain old reading a good book. But dammit, you don’t want anyone to know you’re dateless.

The cure? Head to your local supermarket and shop for groceries. When you see a sexy person you find attractive, smile, flirt, say hello, ask if a melon is ripe, ask how to roast a chicken, etc. Conversate! (I love that word.)

Doctor’s Rx: take one phone number and call it in the morning.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• Eight Great Ways to Meet Someone New
• When Online Dating Doesn’t Work, Use Your DNA
  
• Texting for Chemistry – Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 2
  

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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After being roundly criticized by readers for suggesting a first date hike, I thought I’d solicit advice for First Date Tips so I get it right the next time. I figure while we’re at it, why not make it a contest with fabulous prizes, in the tradition of Honey and Lance’s First Kickass Contest. (btw - When a divorced single dad can win a relationship contest, the world is a very cool place, indeed.)

Announcing:

I Rocked the House! – Dad’s House First-Date Contest

Tell us your best First Date Ideas, First Date Things to Avoid, Memories of a Great First Date, or First Date Horror Stories. Whatever you want – just stick to the theme of first dates.

• First Prize gets an Amazon.com eGift card worth $25.
• Second Prize gets an Amazon.com eGift card worth $20.

Both winners will get a cool badge to stick on their blog (similar to the Honey and Lance one in my blog’s sidebar.)

Contest starts immediately, and you have a week to get it done. All entries should be submitted by midnight PST on Sunday June 8, 2008. You can post on your own blog and comment here with a link back to your entry. (You can also put your two cents in here without a blog post, but prizes will be awarded for blog posts since it’s easier to point at them.)

You don’t have to be a regular Dad’s House reader to enter. But Dad’s House readers already know that candor and humor count equally, and nothing’s taboo. (Please try to keep things PG-13.) If you feel compelled to write about coffee dates, which I hate, just make sure your entry kicks ass and you’ll still have a shot to win.

On Monday June 9, I’ll link back to all the entries, take some time to read them and pick winners. (Campaigning for posts, whether for your own or a favorite, is totally fine. Just send me an email or comment here. Bribes take you to the front of the queue.)

If all goes well, I’ll announce the winners on Tuesday June 10.

Let the first date madness begin!

[Ed. Note: here are the contest winners.]

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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SingleWorkingMommy recently had this to say about my writing in the comment section of my How To Grill Asparagus post:

You’re a great writer (and I’m an editor, so take that for what you will)–I could picture the restaurant, the setting, the mood. I could almost feel your gin-induced fog. Great piece.

Except I get this “cree.pee” vibe from you. Is that weird? Am I just a prude? Please don’t be offended. I could very well be a prude. And maybe it’s because the only other post I’ve ever read was the one where you tried to take your online girlfriend to the woods during a hike and have your way with her. J/k. Except for the cree.pee part. I do get that. K. bai.

To which I’m responding here, because I would love to hear other reader reactions. (The Hiking post she refers to is What’s More Natural Than Nature? – Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 3.)

Chime in! Give me the good and bad.

First off, SingleWorkingMommy: thanks for the writing props. With respect to the vibe - as a longtime writing teacher often advised me, if a writer can elicit a strong reaction from a reader, even a reaction that is creepy or makes them cringe, then that writer has connected with that reader on an emotional level. i.e. it’s a good thing. It’s what writers strive for. I’m glad I made you react emotionally.

I assume the part that made you cringe was me ogling the bachelorettes and even projecting onto them the need for a man. I have a wry smile as I write that, because approaching a table full of bachelorettes in front of my kids, or pretending to know what those women are thinking, is the last thing I’d ever do. I know they weren’t all needing a man to join them. They certainly didn’t want a single dad with two kids in tow interrupting their evening. They were reveling in sisterhood, and I was fantasizing my male role in their lives.

But was I that far off the mark? In a brilliant piece titled Rockabye Baby…I Want to Kill the Barnes & Noble Lady, MsSingleMama desperately wants the cute man behind the counter to be the one who rings her up, and I don’t think it was for reasons of commerce. For a woman to admit she needs a man reveals vulnerability. Perhaps I played on that a bit. But what if instead I’d written that I need a woman? That I desperately wanted one of the bachelorettes to get up from the table and come talk to me, or even acknowledge my existence with the merest glance? You might question my masculinity. Turning that longing into a projection was a device to protect my aura of manliness (i.e. my ego).

Why on earth would I blog like that? I know the majority of my audience is female, and a lot of women love to read men who write in a metrosexual style, like a woman talking to her best female friend. It worked wonders for the main writer of Sex and the City (a man). It seems to work for bloggers like Manslations. But not all men are like that!

Look at Lance from Honey and Lance, or the author of What Men Think. They sometimes make women cringe in a “cree.pee” way. They are men giving honest glimpses into the male mind.

Want a more literary take? Joyce Carol Oates wrote a novel that was a Pulitzer Prize-finalist: What I Lived For (which I referenced in one of my most-popular posts: Boys are the New Girls, Women are the New Men.) Ms. Oates gets inside the male protagonist’s head, expressing thoughts like “Women are kleenex”, you use them and discard them. Egads! That makes me cringe. But like Oates, I refuse to pander to readership tastes. A strong reader reaction is a good thing.

In short – thank you for your honest feedback! I know some women get the creeps from my stories, and I’m okay with that. I’m happy and grateful to have anyone reading me at all. More than that, I’m thrilled to learn I elicited an emotional reaction.

And on that note, readers wanting to comment on my writing can fire away…

© 2008 DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.

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Firing up the grill with family and friends this long weekend? Don’t forget the veggies. Grilled asparagus tastes great and takes only minutes to cook. It’s one of my kids’ favorite vegetables (second only to Italian style carrots). Here’s our recipe:

Rinse a bunch of asparagus in water
Snap the stalks and discard the bottom (Tip: by snapping with your hands rather than cutting with a knife, you’ll naturally locate the very spot that separates the good part from the bad)
Marinade the asparagus in olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper

Let these sit while you grill your main course – tri-tip, chicken skewers, whatever…

Seven minutes before you’re ready to eat –
Grill the asparagus for about 3 minutes, then flip and cook 3 minutes more
Drizzle shaved parmesan cheese on the asparagus and melt

That’s it!

A funny anecdote – a few summers ago my kids and I toured the east coast, hitting Boston, Providence, Manhattan, Philly, and parts of Virginia. While in Newport, Rhode Island, we dined one night at the Red Parrot, a three-story tall restaurant that was packed (so we knew it was good).

They seated us on the third floor along with a bachelorette party, and Bob Marley reggae setting a festive mood. Just me, my kids, and twenty women – I was in heaven. I sipped a classic Gin Martini and basked in the view. (My back was to the water and I was facing the bachelorettes, and I must say the view was quite spectacular.)

Meanwhile, my son was wearing Heelys, those shoes with wheels in the heels. Our server was busy, and my son was bored, so he heelied around an empty part of the floor. He was a hit with the hottie bachelorettes (and it wasn’t his Axe body spray.) Note to self: no need to save up for a red Ferrari; red Heelys will do just fine. I was buzzed from my martini and in a great mood from all the sexy feminine energy in the room. Plus, I was on vacation with my kids – what’s not to like?

When the waitress took our order I asked what vegetable they were serving.
“Asparagus,” she said.
“Oh, is it grilled asparagus?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “But I can ask the chef if he can grill it.”
“Okay, but it’s got to have shaved parmesan cheese melted on top,” I said.
The waitress gave me one of those O-kaaaay looks, then headed to the kitchen.

I sipped my martini, my daughter watched the sunset, my son heelied around the room, the bachelorettes chatted, frequently laughing with heads thrown back, necks exposed, body language screaming they needed a man. (At least that’s my male gin-induced interpretation of their good time.) The whole of my existence felt sublime.

The waitress came back.

“The chef said he can grill the asparagus, no problem,” she said. “But the parmesan cheese is grated, not shaved.”
Say what?! That threw me for a loop. My brain was foggy from gin, my mind drunk from bachelorettes, and I scowled as I struggled to reconcile her words. Would grated cheese work okay?
My daughter saw I was stumped and came to the rescue, saying, “Grated would be fine.”

Thank God for girls.

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