Before we even met for coffee, 34 year-old SoCal Divorced Hottie let me know that she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. She was merely dipping her toe in the dating pool, looking for something low key.
She was new to online dating and had exchanged emails with only a handful of men. Most of them seemed creepy to her. She’d encountered guys who were married, guys with no social skills, and guys who sounded like players. She’d met two men who seemed all right, but upon meeting discovered they looked nothing like their ten-year-old photos. She was entirely skeptical of the internet dating process. (As she should be. Online dating sort of sucks.)
But apparently, I struck a good chord with her – I’m divorced like her, I live nearby, I grew up down south near Santa Barbara, I’m deeply involved with my kids. As long as I promised the photo I’d sent was recent, she’d meet me for coffee.
In eight years of divorce I’d become a bit of an online dating expert, and I knew not to get my hopes up too high. So I was pleasantly surprised to find her a) attractive, b) sane, c) sexy, d) nice. And she was pleased to find me better looking than my pic. We got along well and had no problem chatting. We were off to a great start.
After a while, she reiterated that she’s not ready for a relationship. She’d only recently divorced and was still processing painful emotions. I’d been there and done that, I knew how she felt. At least with her there were no kids, making the separation simpler. Still, she’d thought the man she’d married would some day father her children.
“I think I just need some really good rebound sex,” she said. “Something with no strings.”
Okay, then. I can’t say that’s what I had in mind when I met her for cappuccino. NSA sex (no strings attached) is essentially a one night stand, usually unfulfilling. But as a single dad who endures his share of dry spells, I had to admit I wasn’t opposed to the idea of helping her out.
We talked about the difficulties of modern dating – meeting other singles, finding someone you like, trusting and respecting your partner, practicing safe sex. She suggested she’d be open to hooking up with me sometime.
I can be pretty direct with women, especially when the door is thrown wide open for me to come galloping through.
“What are you doing right now?” I asked.
She blushed. “What did you have in mind?”
“We can go to my place.”
She smiled. “Okay.”
And just like that, I found myself enjoying some afternoon delight with a SoCal Divorced Hottie. (My kids were out of town, so there was no fear of you-know-what-us interruptus.)
I’ve experienced enough long-term, short-term, and casual relationships to understand the myriad feelings involved when two people get together. And I realize that as a single parent I tend to miss out on intimacy. When it lands in my lap, it’s a treat.
The problem was, afterwards she gave some really good cuddling.
I don’t hookup all that often, but it does happen and I’d grown accustomed to the get dressed quick and flee routine that many singles employ. When this woman snuggled right up and curled into me (very sex kitten-like with tons of feminine energy), it caught me by surprise. It felt like we were dating.
Seems she felt something too. When we said goodbye, she said she hoped to see me again. (Of course, maybe she simply felt better about leaving her ex. Rebound serves its purposes. And my misplaced feelings are a reminder that hookups are a bad idea.)
Still, a few nights later, in excellent modern dating form, I texted her.
How r u? I wrote.
Good. What r u doing? she wrote.
Hanging out. Wanna come over? We could have some fun. I wrote.
She didn’t reply.
In retrospect, my texting was probably too casual and sounded too much like a hookup, like I didn’t value her as anything more than a booty call partner. Granted, booty is what she wanted the first time, but that didn’t mean she wanted to think of herself that way. I let a week pass then emailed her, referring to something specific that was going on in her life. How did your presentation go? She wrote back and said it went great, and thanked me for asking.
What next? After all, she was the one who wanted rebound sex with no strings. Me suggesting any sort of follow-up date would have taken things further. Still, we got along great and the snuggling wes perfect. By treading lightly, respecting the fact that she didn’t want commitment, and keeping things low-key, maybe we’d find a happy medium between booty calls and serious dating.
At the very least there should be more skyrockets in flight. With cuddling.
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July 28th, 2008
Posted in
hookups |
27 comments
Suffering from a common online date? Symptoms include:
• Coffee date drudgery – you meet (ignoring all other available singles in the café because this person’s online checkboxes matched yours), and you go through your standard Q&A bull session like it’s a job interview because you haven’t learned how to pump up your conversations, and despite quickly realizing there’s no chemistry, you keep talking until you’ve run out of latte.
• Fuzzy photos – irregularities like pics that don’t match the person who showed up to meet you.
• Unfulfilled expectations – you wink at, favorite, or email someone you like, then you wait. And wait, and wait, … and wait… Chances are you’ll never hear back. Maybe they aren’t paying members. (Then why is their profile still up showing all those cute hottie photos? Um, because it attracts new subscribers?) Maybe their inbox is full. Maybe they just suck at being nice.
• Dinner whores – sorry, it happens too much not to mention. A dinner whore gives you dining companionship in return for you picking up the tab. [Ed. Note: I'm old school and believe the man should pay. My problem with dinner whores is the women who have no intention of dating you or even considering you as a relationship option, they simply want a free meal from whatever man will pay.]
• Feelings of de ja vu – didn’t you see that exact same person’s photo on the other dating site you subscribed to three years ago? The dating pool is only so big.
• Scanning profiles on a Friday night – when you could be hanging out with friends, sharing a cocktail, enjoying a meal, watching a show, or just plain old reading a good book. But dammit, you don’t want anyone to know you’re dateless.
The cure? Head to your local supermarket and shop for groceries. When you see a sexy person you find attractive, smile, flirt, say hello, ask if a melon is ripe, ask how to roast a chicken, etc. Conversate! (I love that word.)
Doctor’s Rx: take one phone number and call it in the morning.
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June 3rd, 2008
Posted in
dating, internet dating, online dating |
16 comments
When CityGirl answered my craigslist ad, I should have known by the way she replied that we’d already met. My post said I was looking for an attractive, educated woman to meet for cocktails in Palo Alto. In her email reply she said she lived in San Francisco but frequently consulted on the peninsula, and she’d love to meet a handsome, athletic, educated, successful man that evening. (Cue the heart palpitations; what professional guy wouldn’t want to be described like that?) But, her email continued, why stop at drinks when dinner in a nice restaurant would be oodles more fun? She was a self-proclaimed foodie, and she knew of a cute little Japanese spot that had just opened in Menlo Park.
The summer before, I’d met a woman online through match.com who lived in the City and consulted on the peninsula. We met in person at University Café, a Palo Alto coffee house, presumably for cappuccino.
“Are you hungry?” she asked on that summer day.
No, not really, it was only 11:30, and I usually ate after a midday bike ride. I shrugged politely. “Are you?” I asked.
“I’m famished!” she said. “I was in a client meeting all morning. Mind if we grab a bite?”
Now, from my neck of the woods, a bite is just that – a small little something to tie you over. And I can always find room for a raspberry-apricot scone or a poppy-seed bagel. “Sure,” I said. I turned to the café, a spacious place with seating that spilled onto the sidewalk. It was a beautiful day, and a nearby table for two seemed ready-made for our date.
“Oh, not here,” she said. “The food’s terrible.”
I’d eaten here before, it wasn’t so bad. And this was about two strangers chatting and getting to know each other. Conversation would be first and foremost on the menu.
But she hooked her arm around mine and started us strolling down the street.
“I know this cute little Greek place nearby,” she said. “It’s got big shudder windows that I’m sure they’ve thrown open today. You’ll love it.”
The only Greek place I knew in Palo Alto was Evvia, a sister restaurant to San Francisco’s elegant Kokkari. Both were admired for their gourmet cuisine. A bit much for a coffee date, but I have to admit, strolling arm-in-arm in downtown Palo Alto with a beautiful woman on a bright summer day felt good. I could get used to this.
Lulled by the siren song, I followed her in.
We sat and the waiter came with a pitcher of tap water. She waved it off and asked for a bottle of sparkling. Then she proceeded to order soup, salad, an appetizer, and main course. A perfect little feast for two to share.
“And what are you having?” she asked me.
So much for sharing. I ordered a roasted lamb sandwich.
“You’re only having one course?” she asked.
The pretense was getting old, fast. We chatted over lunch, and it became clear that she was only interested in the food, and not in me. Plus, she didn’t visit the peninsula all that regularly; she usually stayed put in San Francisco. Long distance dating for a single dad like me.
When the bill came (after dessert and Greek coffee, of course), she didn’t flinch. She waited for me to pick it up. Now, if this had truly been a coffee date, I would have gladly paid for her grande-triple-mocha-caramel-skim-milk-latte-no-whip. And if we were boyfriend/girlfriend, I’d pick up the tab as well. But she’d turned our getting-to-know-you date into her personal banquet. No way I was paying.
“Did you need help with that?” she finally asked.
“Yes,” I said.
She was taken aback, but tossed a credit card onto the table. I have to admit, it felt weird. I was raised to never let a date pay. At least I split the bill equally; she’d ordered 80% of the food.
Now nine months later, it’s spring and I’m experiencing déjà vu all over again. CityGirl has got to be the same woman. The dating pool really is rather small. I emailed her: I think we’ve met. Lunch at Evvia last summer?
She sent back a pic. It was definitely her. She wrote: Oh, maybe! You sound familiar. I do so many lunches, I can’t be sure. At any rate, if we did meet, it’s been a long time. I’m sure we have a lot of catching up to do!
Catching up? Was she high?
I wrote back: on the other hand, the fact we never pursued a second date means maybe we didn’t hit it off too well in the first. As tempting as Japanese sounds, I’ll pass.
I’m guessing CityGirl found someone else. A foodie like her doesn’t seem the type to eat alone.
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March 31st, 2008
Posted in
blind date, dating, first dates, internet dating, life, online dating, relationships, single dads, single men, single women |
10 comments
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